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MARTIITE'S 



HAND-BOOK OF ETIQUETTE, 



AND 



GUIDE TO TRUE POLITENESS. 

A COMPLETE MANUAL FOR THOSE WHO DESIRE TO UNDERSTAND THE 

RULES OF GOOD BREEDING. THE CUSTOMS OF GOOD SOCIETY, 

AND TO AVOID INCORRECT AND VULGAR HABITS, 

CONTAINING 



Clear and Comprehensive Directions 
for Correct Manners, Dress, and 
Conversation ; 

Instructions for Good Behavior at 
Dinner Parties, and the Table, 
with Hints on the Art of Carving 
and Taking Wins at Table ; 



Together with the Etiquette of the Ball 

and Assembly Boom, Evening 

Parties : 
Deportment in the Street and when 

Travelling ; 
And the Usages to be Observed when 

Visiting or Receiving Calls. 



TO WHICH IS ADDED 



THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP, MARRIAGE, DOMESTIC DUTIES, 

AND FIFTY-SIX RULES TO BE OBSERVED IN 

GENERAL SOCIETY. 



By AETH 




AETINE. 



NEW YORK: 

DICK & FITZGERALD, PUBLISHERS. 






Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1866, by 

DICK& FITZGERALD, 

In the Clerk's office of the District Court of the United States for the South- 
ern District of New York. 



X 



e 



c/* 



CONTENTS. 



General Observations 5 

4 

The Art of Conversation 8 

General Rules for Conversation 24 

On Dress 48 

Introductions 57 

Letters of Introduction 61 

Dinner Parties 63 

Habits at Table. . . 67 

Wine at Table ' . , 74 

Carving 82 

Etiquette of the Ball and Assembly Room 93 

Evening Parties 104 

Visiting „ 113 

Street Etiquette 127 

'Traveling 133 

Marriage 136 

Domestic Etiquette and Duties 144 

On General Society 154 



GENERAL OBSERVATIONS. 



Politeness has been defined as an "artificial good-na- 
ture ;" but it would be better said that good-nature is natural 
politeness. It inspires us with an unremitting attention, both 
to please others and to avoid giving them offence. Its code 
is a ceremonial, agreed upon and established among man- 
kind, to give each other external testimonies of friendship 
or respect. Politeness and etiquette form a sort of supple- 
ment to the law, which enables society to protect itself 
against offences which the law cannot touch. For instance, 
the law cannot punish a man for habitually staring at peo- 
ple in an insolent and annoying manner, but etiquette can 
banish such an offender from the circles of good society, 
and fix upon him the brand of vulgarity. Etiquette con- 
sists in certain forms, ceremonies, and rules which the 
principle of politeness establishes and enforces for the 
regulation of the manners of men and women in their 
intercourse with each other. 

Many unthinking persons consider the observance of 
etiquette to be nonsensical and unfriendly, as consisting of 
unmeaning forms, practiced only b^the silly and the idle ; 
an opinion which arises from their not having reflected on 
the reasons that have led to the establishment of certain 
rules indispensable to the well-being of society, and with- 
uot which, indeed, it would inevitably fall to pieces, and 
be destroyed. 



6 GENERAL OBSERVATIONS. 

The true aim of politeness, is to make those with whom 
you associate as well satisfied with themselves as possible. 
It does not, by any means, encourage an impudent self- 
importance in them, but it does whatever it can to accom- 
modate their feelings and wishes in social intercourse. 
Politeness is a sort of social benevolence, which avoids 
wounding the pride, or shocking the prejudices of those 
around you. 

The principle of politeness is the same among all nations, 
but the ceremonials which etiquette imposes differ accord- 
ing to the taste and habits of various countries. For 
instance, many of the minor rules of etiquette at Paris 
differ from those at London ; and at New York they may 
differ from both Paris and London. But still the polite of 
every country have about the same manners. 

Of the manners and deportment of both ladies and gen- 
tlemen, we would remark that a proper consideration for 
the welfare and comfort of others will generally lead to a 
greater propriety of demeanor than any rules which the 
most rigid master of etiquette could supply. This feeling, 
however, is one that must be cultivated, for the promptings 
of nature are eminently selfish, and courtesy and good- 
breeding are only attainable by effort and discipline. 
But even courtesy has limits where dignity should govern 
it, for when carried to excess, particularly in manner, it 
borders on sycophancy, which is almost as despicable as 
rudeness. To overburden people with attention ; to ren- 
der them uncomfortable with a prodigality of proffered 
services ; to insist upon obligations which they do not 
desire, is not only to render yourself disagreeable, but 
contemptible. This defect of manners is particularly prev- 
alent in the rural districts, where the intense effort to 
render a visitor comfortable has exactly the contrary effect ; 
besides, there are those whose wanfr of refinement and 
good breeding often leads them to an unwarrantable famil- 
iarity, which requires coldness and indifference to subdue. 



GENERAL OBSERVATION*. 7 

Much misconstruction and unpleasant feeling arises, 
especially in country towns, from not knowing what is 
66 expected," or necessary to be done on certain occasions, 
resulting sometimes from the prevalence of local customs, 
with which the world in general are not supposed to be 
acquainted. " To do in Rome as the Romans do," applies 
to every kind of society. At the same time, you can never 
be expected to commit a serious breach of manners because 
your neighbors do so. 

But what you should do, and what not, in particular 
cases, you will learn in the following chapters. I have 
only now to say, that if you wish to be agreeable, which is 
certainly a good and religious desire, you must both study 
how to be so, and take the trouble to put your studies into 
constant practice. The fruit you will soon reap. You 
will be generally liked and loved. * The gratitude of those 
to whom you have devoted yourself will be shown in speak- 
ing well of you ; you will become a desirable addition to 
every party, and whatever your birth, fortune, or position, 
people will say of you, "He is a most agreeable and well- 
bred man," and be glad to introduce you to good society. 
But you will reap a yet beifler reward. You will have in 
yourself the satisfaction of nrmng taken trouble and made 
sacrifices in order to give pleasure and happiness for the 
time to others. How do you know what grief or care you 
may not obliterate, what humiliation you may not alter to 
confidence, what anxiety you may not soften, what — last, 
but really not least— what intense dullness you may not 
enliven ? If this work assist you in becoming an agreeable 
member of good society, I shall rejoice at the labor it has 
given me. 



THE ART OF CONVERSATION. 



As the object of conversation is pleasure and improve- 
ment, those subjects only which are of universal interest 
can be made legitimate topics of pleasantry or discussion. 
And it is the gift of expressing thoughts and fancies in a 
quick, brilliant, and graceful manner on such topics, — of 
striking out new ideas, eliciting the views and opinions 
of others, of attaching the interest of all to the subject dis- 
cussed, giving it, however trifling in itself, weight and 
importance in the estimation of the hearers, that consti- 
tutes the great talent for ^nversation. But this talent 
can never, we may safely aver, be displayed except in a 
good cause, and when conversation is carried on in a spirit 
of genuine charity and benevolence. 

We should meet in society to please and be pleased, and 
not to display cold and stately dignity, which is as much 
out of place, as all attempt^ to shine by a skillful adhe- 
rence to the fantastic rules of the silver-fork school, 
are puerile and ludicrous. Such little things are great 
to little persons, who are proud of having acquired 
by rote, what the naturally elegant derive, in sufficient 
measure, from naturally just feeling. 

The power of preserving silence is the very first requisite 
to all who wish to shine, or even please in discourse ; and 
those who cannot preserve it, have really no business to 
speak. Of course, I do not mean the dull, ignorant, sulky, 



THE ART OF CONVERSATION. 9 

or supercilious silence, of which we see enough in all con- 
science ; but the graceful, winning and eloquent silence. 
The silence that, without any deferential air, listens with 
polite attention, is more flattering than compliments, and 
more frequently broken for the purpose of encouraging 
others to speak, than to display the listener's own powers. 
This is the really eloquent silence. It requires great gen- 
ius — more perhaps than speaking — and few are gifted 
with the talent ; but it is of such essential advantage, that 
I must recommend its study to all who are desirous to take 
a share in conversation, and beg they will learn to be 
silent, before they attempt to speak. 

Notwithstanding the praise here bestowed on silence, it 
must still be explained that there are various modes of be- 
ing silently rude. There is the rude silence of disdain — 
of not hearing, of not even deeming your w ords deserving 
attention or reply. These are minor and mere passive 
modes of impertinence ; the direct and active sort of silent 
rudeness is to listen with a fixed and attentive stare on the 
speaker, and without any necessity of raising the eye- 
brows — for that might be precarious — show your utter 
amazement, that any one should think of thus addressing 
a person of your rank, wealth, gqnius, or greatness. There 
are of course various styles and degrees in all these modes 
of impertinence, but they ail originate in the same cause : 
ignorance of the real facility of being rude, and a wish to 
acquire distinction by the practice. It is idle to assert 
that every one can be rude if he likes ; for, if such were 
the fact, we should not see hosts of persons belonging to 
what is termed good society, seeking fame and renown 
by various shades and degrees of mere impertinence. 

Never give short or sharp answers in ordinary conversa- 
tion, unless you aspire to gain distinction by mere rude- 
ness ; for they have in fact no merit, and are only uncivil. 
"I do not know," "I cannot tell," are the most harmless 
words possible, and may yet be rendered very offensive by 



10 THE ART OF CONVERSATION 

the tone and manner in which they are pronounced. 
Never reply, in answer to a question like the following, 
" Did Mrs. Spitewell tell you how Miss Rosebud's marriage 
was getting on ?" "I did not ask." It is almost like say- 
ing, I never ask impertinent questions, though you do ; we 
learn plenty of things in the world without having first 
inquired about them. If you must say, you did not ask, 
say, that "you forgot to ask," "neglected it," or " did not 
think of it." We can always be ordinarily civil, even if we 
cannot always be absolutely wise. 

Except in mere sport and raillery, and where a little 
extravaganza is the order of the moment, always when you 
answer, or speak in reply to an observation made, speak 
to the true and just import of what is said. Leave quib- 
bling of every kind to lawyers pleading at the bar for the 
life of a culprit ; in society and conversation it is invariably 
out of place, unless when Laughter is going his merry 
round. At all other times it is a proof of bad breeding. 

You must not overstretch a proposition, neither must you 
overstretch or spin out a jest, that has done its duty ; for 
few can be made to rebound after they have once come to 
the ground. 

Another mode of being rude, is to collect, and have at 
command, all the set phrases used by uncivil persons, in 
order to say what they fancy very sharp and severe things. 
Such a collector, jealous perhaps of the attention with 
which a pleasant guest is listened to, may break in upon 
the most harmless discourse with the words, "I think you 
lie under a mistake." The term may in itself be harmless, 
but its application is at all times rude, coarse and decidedly 
vulgar. 

La Bruyere tells us that "rudeness is not a fixed and 
inherent vice of the mind, but the result of other vices ; 
it springs," he says, "from vanity, ignorance, laziness, 
stupidity, jealousy, and inattention. It is the more hateful 
from being constantly displayed in exterior deportment, 



THE ART OF CONVERSATION. 11 

and from being thus always visible and manifest ; and is 
offensive in character and degree according to the source 
from which it takes its rise." 

"We next come to the loud talker, the man who silences a 
whole party by his sole power of lungs. AH subjects are 
alike to him ; he speaks on every topic with equal fluency, 
is never at a loss, quotes high authority for every assertion, 
and allows no one else to utter a word ; he silences, without 
the least ceremony, every attempt at interruption, however 
cleverly managed ; — calls out, "I beg your pardon," in a 
tone that shows how ill-used he thinks himself, — or shuts 
your mouth with — ' ' One^ minute, if you please, sir!" as 
much as to say, you are surely a very ill-bred fellow. 
Great, and especially loud and positive talkers, have been 
denounced by all writers on manners as shallow and super- 
ficial persons. And P. Andre, the author of a French 
Essay on the Beautiful, declares distinctly, that "no man 
of sense was ever a great talker." 

Next to the talker, we have the man who gives an ac- 
count of his dogs, horses, lands, books, and pictures. 
Whatever is his, must, he thinks, interest others ; and lis- 
ten they must, however resolutely they may attempt to 
change the current of his discourse. 

Women of this class are sometimes too fond of praising 
their children. It is no doubt an amiable weakness ; but I 
would still advise them to indulge as little as possible in the 
practice ; for however dear the rosy-cheeked, curly-headed 
prattlers may be to them, the chances are, that others will 
vote the darlings to be great bores ; you that have children, 
never speak of them in company. You must not even 
praise your near relations ; for the subject deprives the 
hearer of all power to dissent, and is therefore clearly 
objectionable. 

In the same line is the clever bore, who takes up every 
idle speech, to show his wisdom at a cheap rate. If you 
say, "Hang the weather !" before such a man, he immedi- 



12 THE ART OF CONVERSATION, 

ately proves, by logical demonstrations, that the weather 
has no neck by which it can be suspended. The grave 
expounder of truisms belongs to this class. He cannot 
allow the simplest conversation to go on, without entering 
into proofs and details familiar to every child nine years of 
age ; and the tenor of his discourse, however courteous in 
terms and manner, pays you the very indifferent compli- 
ment, of supposing that you have fallen from some other 
planet, in total and absolute ignorance of the most ordinary 
and every-day things connected with this little world of 
ours. All foreigners are particularly great at this style of 
boring. 

Then you have the indifferent and apathetic bore, who 
hardly condescends to pay the least attention to what you 
say ; and who, if he refrains from the direct and absolute 
rudeness of yawning in your face, shows, by short and 
drawling answers, given at fits and starts, and completely 
at variance with the object of the conversation, that he 
affects at least a total indifference to the party present, and 
to the subject of discourse. In society, the absent man is 
uncivil ; he who affects to be so, is rude and vulgar. All 
persons who speak of their ailings, diseases, or bodily infir- 
mities, are offensive bores. Subjects of this sort should be 
addressed to doctors, who are paid for listening to them, 
and to no one else. Bad taste is the failing of these bores. 
Then we have the ladies and gentlemen who pay long visits, 
and who, meeting you at the door prepared to sally forth, 
keep you talking near the fire till the beauty of the day is 
passed ; and then take their leave, " hoping they have not 
detained you." Bad feeling or want of tact here pre- 
dominates. 

"Hobby-riders," who constantly speak on the same 
eternal subject, — who bore you at all times and at all hours, 
— whether you are in health or in sickness, in spirits 
or in sorrow, with the same endless topic, must not be over- 
looked in our list ; though it is sufricient to denounce 



THE A XT OF CONVERSATION. 13 

them. Their failing is occasioned by a total want of judg- 
ment. 

The Malaprops are also a numerous and unhappy family, 
for they are constantly addressing the most unsuitable 
speeches to individuals or 'parties. To the blind they will 
speak of fine pictures and scenery ; and Will entertain a 
person in deep mourning with the anticipated pleasures of 
to-morrow's ball. A total want of ordinary thought and 
observation, is the general cause of the Malaprop failing. 

Let us add to this very imperfect list the picture of a 
bore described by Swift. " No thing, "he says, "is more 
generally exploded than the folly of talking too much ; yet 
I rarely remember to have seen five people together, 
where some one among them hath not been predominant 
in that kind, to the great constraint and disgust of all the 
rest. But among such as deal in multitudes of words, none 
are comparable to the sober, deliberate talker, who pro- 
ceedeth with much thought and caution, maketh his 
preface, brancheth out into several digressions, findeth a 
hint that putteth him in mind of another story, which he 
promises to tell you when this is done, cometh back regu- 
larly to his subject, cannot readily call to mind some 
person's name, holdeth his head, complaineth of his mem- 
ory ; the whole company all this while in suspense ; at last 
says, it is no matter, and so goes on. And to crown the 
business, it perhaps proveth at last a story the company 
has heard heard fifty times before, or at best some insipid 
adventure of the relater." 

To this we may add, that your cool, steady talkers, who 
speak with the care and attention of professors demonstrat- 
ing mathematical problems, — who weigh, measure and 
balance every word they utter, — are all decided objection- 
ables in society. It is needless to say, that such persons 
never blunder, and never "stumble over a potato;" a 
matter of little recommendation. In conversation there 
must be, as in love and in war, some hazarding, some rat- 



14 THE ART OF CONVERSATION. 

tling on ; nor need twenty falls affect you, so long as you 
take cheerfulness and good humor for your guides ; but the 
careful and measured conversation just described is always, 
though perfectly correct, extremely dull and tedious — a 
vast blunder from first to last. 

There are also many persons who commence speaking 
before they know what they are going to say. The ill- 
natured world, who never miss an opportunity of being 
severe, declare them to be foolish and destitute of brains. 
I shall not go so far ; but hardly know what we should 
think of a sportsman who would attempt to bring down a 
bird before he had loaded his gun. 
'a I have purposely reserved the egotistical bore for the 
last on this short and imperfect list. It is truly revolting, 
indeed, to approach the very Boa-constrictor of good soci- 
ety ; the snake who comes upon us, not in the natural 
form of a huge, coarse, slow reptile, but Proteus-like, in a 
thousand different forms ; though all displaying at the first 
sight the boa-bore, ready to slime over every subject of 
discourse with the vile saliva of selfish vanity. Pah ! it is 
repulsive even to speak of the species, numerous, too, as 
the sands along the shore. 

Some of the class make no ceremony of immediately 
intruding themselves and their affairs on the attention of a 
whole party ; of silencing every other subject started, how- 
ever interesting to the company, merely that they may 
occupy the prominent and most conspicuous position. 
Others again are more dexterous, and with great art will lie 
on the watch to hook in their own praise. They will call 
a witness to remember they always foretold what would 
happen in such a case, but none would believe them ; they 
advised such a man from the beginning, and told him the 
consequences just as they happened ; but he would have 
his own way. Others make a vanity of telling their own 
faults ; they are the strangest men in the world ; they can- 
not dissemble ; they own it is a folly ; they have lost 



THE ART OF CONVERSATION. 15 

abundance of advantages by it ; but if you would give them 
the world, they cannot help it ; there is something in their 
nature that abhors insincerity and constraint, with many 
other insufferable topics of the same altitude. Thus, 
though bores find their account in speaking ill or well of 
themselves, it is the characteristic of a gentleman that he 
never speaks of himself at all. 

La Bruyere says, " The great cliarm of conversation con- 
sists less in the display of one's own wit and intelligence, 
than in the power to draw forth the resources of others ; 
he who leaves you after a long conversation, pleased with 
himself and the part he has taken in the discourse, will be 
your warmest admirer. Men do not care to admire you, 
they wish you to be pleased with them ; they do not seek 
for instruction or even amusement from your discourse, 
but they do wish you to be made acquainted with their 
talents and powers of conversation ; and the true man of 
genius will delicately make all who come in contact with 
him feel the exquisite satisfaction of knowing that they 
have appeared to advantage." 

I have no desire to condemn my readers to eternal 
silence ; but must inform them that it is not so easy to 
shine in conversation as many suppose. Fluency of tongue 
and a little modest assurance, though very well for impos- 
ing on the unwary, go but a short way when you have to 
deal with those who are really worth pleasing. 

How can a person shine by conversation in elegant and 
educated society, whose thoughts have never ranged beyond 
the gratification of foolish vanity and mean selfishness ; 
who has never reflected on life, men and manners ; whose 
mind has not turned to the contemplation of the works and 
wonders of nature ; and who, in the events of his own time, 
has not seen the results of the many deeds of sorrow, 
shame, greatness, and glory, that crowd the pages of the 
world's variegated annals ? "Whoever would shine in polite 
discourse must at least be well versed in the philosophy of 



16 THE ART OF CONVERSATION. 

life, and possess a fair acquaintance with general and 
natural history, and the outlines of science. And though 
* he need be neither a poet n6r an artist, he must be well 
read in poetry and acquainted with fine arts ; because it is 
only by their study that taste can be cultivated and fancy 
guided. A familiarity with the fine arts is necessary, in 
fact, to give him a just perception of the sublime and beau- 
tiful, the very foundation whence our emotions of delight 
must arise. Any one attempting to shine in conversation, 
without possessing the trifling acquirements here men- 
tioned, — for I have said nothing of learning and science, — 
will most assuredly make an indifferent figure, and had 
better therefore content himself with simply pleasing by 
unaffected cheerfulness and good humor, which is within 
reach of all. 

As to subjects for conversation, what difficulty can there 
be about them ? "Will not books, balls, bonnets and meta- 
physics furnish pleasant topics of discourse ? Can you not 
speak of the 

" Philosophy and science, and the springs 
Of wonder, and the wisdom of the world?"— 

Are flirtations, traveling, love and speech-making at an 
end ; or is the great globe itself and the weather on its 
surface so perfectly stationary that you can find nothing to 
say about them ? Ho, no, let us not deceive ourselves ; we 
never want subjects of conversation ; but we often want the 
knowledge how to treat them ; above all, how to bring 
them forward in a graceful and pleasing manner. We often 
want observation and a just estimate of character, and do 
not know how, in the present defective state of society, 
any passing remark intended to open a conversation may 
be received. 

Cheerfulness, unaffected cheerfulness, a sincere desire to 
please and be pleased, unchecked by any efforts to shine, 
are the qualities you must bring with you into society, if 



THE ART OF CONVERSATION. 17 

you wish to succeed in conversation. Under the influence 
of their recommendation, you may safely give the rein to 
fancy and hilarity, certain that, in a well-assorted party, 
you will make at least a favorable impression, if not a bril- 
liant one. I do not of course mean by cheerfulness any 
outbreaking of loud and silly mirth, nor what the world 
sometimes calls a "high flow of spirits," but a light and 
airy equanimity of temper, — that spirit which never rises 
to boisterousness, and never sinks to immovable dullness ; 
that moves gracefully from " grave to gay, from serious to 
serene," and by mere manner gives proof of a feeling heart 
and generous mind. 

Franklin says, that you must never contradict in conver- 
sation, nor correct facts if wrongly stated. This is going 
much too far ; you must never contradict in a short, direct, 
or positive tone ; but with politeness, you may easily, when 
necessary, express a difference of opinion in a graceful and 
even complimentary manner. And I would almost say, 
that the art of conversation consists in knowing how to 
contradict, and when to be silent ; for, as to constantly act- 
ing a fawning and meanly deferential part in society, it is 
offensive to all persons of good sense and good feeling. In 
regard to facts wrongly stated, no well-bred man ever 
thinks of correcting them, merely to show his wisdom in 
trifles ; but with politeness, it is perfectly easy to rectify 
an error, when the nature of the conversation demands the 
explanation. 

Whenever the lady or gentleman with whom you are 
discussing a point, whether of love, war, science or politics, 
begins to sophisticate, drop the subject instantly. Your 
adversary either wants the ability to maintain his opinion, 
— and then it would be uncivil to press it — or he wants 
the still more useful ability to yield the point with un- 
affected grace and good-humor ; or what is also possible, 
his vanity is in some way engaged in defending views on 
which he may probably have acied, so that to demol- 

9 



18 THE ART OF CONVERSATION". 

ish his opinions is perhaps to reprove his conduct, and no 
well-bred man goes into society for the purpose of ser- 
monizing. 

All local wits, all those whose jests are understood only 
within the range of their own circle or coterie, are decided 
objectionables in general society. It is the height of ill- 
breeding, in fact, to converse, or jest, on subjects that are 
not perfectly understood by the party at large ; it is a spe- 
cies of rude mystification, as uncivil as whispering, or as 
speaking in language that may not be familiar to some of 
the party. Bat you must not make a fool of yourself, even 
if others show themselves deficient in good manners ; and 
must not, like inflated simpletons, fancy yourself the ob- 
ject of every idle jest you do not understand, or of every 
laugh that chance may have called forth. Ladies and gen- 
tlemen feel that they are neither laughed at nor ridiculed. 

In society, the object of conversation is of course enter- 
tainment and improvement, and it must, therefore, be 
adapted to the circle in which it is carried on, and must be 
neither too high nor too deep for the party at large, so 
that every one may contribute, his share, just at his pleas- 
ure, and to the best of his ability. Let no two or three old 
Indians, old school-fellows, or old brother campaigners, 
seizs upon the conversation to themselves, discuss their 
former adventures, and keep the rest of a party listening 
silently to an animated conversation about exploded stories, 
of which they know nothing and care as little. 

Lord Chesterfield advises his son " to speak often, but 
not to speak much at a time ; so that if he doe^s not please, 
he will not at least displease to any great extent." A good 
observer should easily, I think, be able to discover whether 
he pleases or not. 

Rousseau tells us, that "persons who know little talk a 
great deal, while those who know a great deal say very 
little." 

If the discourse is of a grave or serious nature, and inter- 



THE ART OF CONVERSATION, 10 

esting to tiie party, or to any number of the party, never 
break in upon it with any display of idle wit or levity ; for 
nothing shows so great a want of good manners ; nor must 
you ever ridicule or doubt the existence of any noble 
enthusiasm that may have called forth expressions of admi- 
ration ; for there is no want o* high worth, patriotism, 
honor and disinterestedness on earth. Your incredulity 
might therefore be unjust, and it is at all times a proof of 
bad taste to ridicule what others admire. 

If you join in the graver conversation, intended to move 
the deeper feelings of the heart, do so without affectation, 
without overstretching sentiments, or bringing in far- 
fetched ideas for the sake of producing effect, otherwise 
you wdll be sure to fail. Avoid, above all, when on such 
topics, any stringing together of unmeaning words ; for bad 
as the practice of substituting sound for sense is at all 
times, it is doubly so when conversation takes the direction 
of which we are speaking, as it then shows the jingler to 
want feelings as well as ideas. Speak from the heart, when 
you speak to the heart ; only making judgment prune the 
expressions of deep feeling, without checking the noble 
sentiments that may have called them forth. 

The reason winch renders this pruning system advisable 
is, that society swarms with worthy, respectable persons, 
possessing an ordinary share of superficial good-nature, but 
so destitute of actual feeling, as not even to understand its 
language ; and who, without being scoffers, will be inclined 
to laugh at expressions that convey no ideas to their minds. 

The same reason should serve as a warning to all gentle- 
men against writing love-letters ; for if a gentle swam is 
really and truly in love, he will w r rite under excited feel- 
ings ; and a letter written with a palpitating heart, 
threatening to break a rib at every throb, can hardly fail to 
appear a little ridiculous in the eyes of all who may not 
chance to be exactly in the same frame of mind, or pos- 
sessed of the same degree of feeling with the writer. 



20 THE ART OF CONVESATIOX. 

There is a giggling and laughing tone, in which ladies 
and gentlemen sometimes endeavor to speak, — an attempt 
to continue a series of jests from the first to last, which is 
not only foolish, but actually offensive. Conversation can 
never be kept up to the laughing point during a whole 
evening, — not even during a morning visit ; and efforts to 
excite laughter by overstrained jests are as repulsive as 
overstrained efforts to groan and grimace it. The natural 
flow of discourse must be calm and serene ; if wit, whim, 
fun and fire are present, they will not fail to flash brightly 
along its surface ; but they can never constitute the main 
body of the stream itself. 

Different parties, different tones no doubt, and an assem- 
bly of grave doctors and professors, meeting to discuss 
some learned subject, may treat it in their own way ; here 
we can only speak of general society. It is said, that the 
guests at a pleasant dinner party should never exceed the 
number of the Muses, nor fall below that of the Graces. 
And this may be true ; but a party of three or four is al- 
ready very different in character, — independent of the 
difference occasioned by the characters of the guests, — from 
what a party of eight or nine will be. In small parties of 
this kind, numbers alone exercise great influence. But 
large or small, always recollect that you can have no right 
to complain of the dullness of the conversation, unless you 
have contributed your best efforts to render it cheerful. 

Nor is it always right to condemn a person for being 
silent in company, as this often results from the nature of 
the party, which may be ill-assorted, though composed of 
deserving people. No one can maintain a conversation by 
himself ; the very best speaker must still be aided by 
others, who must lend assistance in the proper spirit, befit- 
ting the nature of the discourse ; for a rude and forward 
person, wishing to shine, can easily crush the efforts of the 
most perfect gentleman, and give an unfavorable tone and 
turn to a pleasant conversation. 



THE ART OF CONVERSATION. 21 

In ordinary conversation, the modulation and proper 
management of the voice is a point to which I would par- 
ticularly call the attention of young ladies ; for a fine and 
meloclious voice, "sweet as music on the waters," makes 
the heart-strings vibrate to there very core. This can only 
be done by a certain degree of confidence, and by a total 
absence of affectation ; for uncertainty, agitation and striv- 
ing for effect are always ruinous to the voice of the speaker, 
which is constantly running against breakers, or getting 
upon fiats. I am certain that temper and disposition are 
far more generally, and more perfectly marked by the 
voice and manner of speaking, than we are at all willing to 
allow. 

The thin, small voice is the most difficult to manage, as 
it is liable to degenerate into shrillness ; and ladies who 
have this kind of voice must keep strict guard over their 
temper, when within hearing of any one on whom they 
may wish to make a favorable impression ; for the very 
idea of a shrill-voiced scold makes us place our hands to 
our ears. But with a sweet temper, a pretty, little, harmo- 
nious voice is pleasing enough. Always recollect, however, 
that affectation, constraint, or striving for effect, is the cer- 
tain ruin of the prettiest voice in the world. 

The very deep-toned voice, though extremely effective, 
when well controlled, has great difficulties ; for unless 
backed by kind., cheerful and airy feeling, by "that bright 
spirit which is always gladness," it is liable to fall into a 
coarse, rude and vulgar tone, and should never be heard 
except at times of brilliant sunshine. The owners of such 
voices should never think of getting angry, nor even in- 
dulge in saving what they may fancy sharp or severe things, 
as the chances are, that they will prove only rude ones. 

Stories, however good — and they are often to be recom^ 
mended — suffer under one of the disadvantages to winch 
anecdotes are liable, — they do not bear repetition ; and no 
one can be expected to possess a stock that shall furnish 



22 THE ART OF CONVERSATION. 

new and acceptable wares on every occasion. They form 
in conversation the resource of those who want imagina- 
tion, and must be received with indulgence ; but to deserve 
this favor, they must be short, well told, well pointed, and 
judiciously adapted to the feelings and composition of the 
party. We have all of us at times known a good story or 
anecdote introduced under such inappropriate circum- 
stances, as to make a whole party look grave and feel 
uncomfortable. 

The honor of demohshing the weavers of long tales shall 
be left to Cowper. 

" But sedentary weavers of long tales 
Give me the fidgets, and my patience fails. 
'Tis the most asinine employ on earth, 
To hear them tell of parentage and birth ; 
And echo conversations dull and dry, 
Embellished with he said and so said I. • 
At every interview their route the same, 
The repetition makes attention lame ; 
We bristle up with unsuccessful speed, 
And in the saddest part, cry— Droll, indeed. 

Let the reader only get these verses by heart, and repeat 
a line occasionally to show that he recollects them, and we 
shall soon find society relieved from these spinners of dull 
yarns. 

Some gentlemen have a talent for placing things in a 
grotesque, exaggerated and ludicrous light ; and of extem- 
porizing burlesque anecdotes in a whimsical and amusing 
manner. It is a happy gift, of which excellent use can be 
made in society ; but tact and taste must, as usual, keep a 
firm rein, for nothing that is seriously treated by others 
must ever be burlesqued and turned into ridicule. The 
grotesque style is only applicable when the ground is fairly 
open, or when jesting, bantering and exaggeration are the 
order of the minute ; and then it may be rendered charm- 
ing. 

Let no one suppose that mimicry is to be sanctioned 



THE ART OF CONVERSATION. 23 

under this head ; far from it, indeed. A little graceful 
imitation of actors and public speakers may be allowed. 
National manners, and the peculiarities of entire classes, 
are fair game. French dandies, Yankee bargainers, and 
English exquisites, may be ridiculed at pleasure ; you may 
even bring forward Irish porters, cab-drivers and bog-trot- 
ters, — provided you can imitate their wit and humor ; but 
I do not think I ever saw any mimicry of private individ- 
uals well received by well-bred persons. Nor is this to be 
wondered at, since mimicry borders so closely on buffoon- 
ery, a3 generally to end in absolute vulgarity. Ladies, 
however, may be permitted to mimic their friends a little, 
provided they rarely indulge in the practice, and never 
transgress the bounds of good taste and elegance. 

We meet occasionally in society with persons belonging 
to a class, not numerous indeed, but deserving notice, as 
they are mostly ladies, and often worth reclaiming ; for 
want of a better term I shall call them Icicles, because they 
only shine and cannot warm. The Icicles may be kind, 
clever, of cultivated mind, and in every respect well dis- 
posed to become agreeable, — but cannot speak or converse 
on any one subject. They are constantly witty and ingeni- 
ous, place every proposition or general question asked, in 
some amusing, novel or extravagant light, but never answer 
or speak up to the point ; so that you may converse with 
them for hours, and be acquainted with them for years, 
without knowing their opinion upon any one subject ; 
without knowing even whether they have an opinion on 
any one subject. Nor does this always result from affecta- 
tion, or from efforts to shine ; it springs as often from a 
faulty tone, and the fear of not being sahiciently clever, 
when attempting to be rational, as from any other source. 
I have seen persons lose a great deal by this absurd system, 
and fall far short of what they might have been had they 
merely followed the beaten track ; and as a maxim would 
have you recollect, that few good things are ever said by 
those who are constantly striving to say extraordinary ones. 



GENERAL RULES FOR CONVERSATION. 



As order or method are of very little^ consequence in 
treating of this subject, I will conclude by giving a series 
of rules upon the art of conversation, couched in a few 
words, from which the reader may furnish himself with a 
competent knowledge of what is to be studied, and what to 
be avoided. There are few of the following sentences that 
will not furnish a good deal of thought, or that are to be 
understood to their full extent without some consideration. 

Whatever passes in parties at your own or another's 
house is never repeated by well-bred people. Things of 
no moment, and .which are meant only as harmless jokes, 
are liable to produce unpleasant consequences if repeated. 
To repeat, therefore, any conversation which passes on 
such occasions, is understood to be a breach of confidence, 
which should banish the offender from the pale of good 
society. 

Men of all sorts of occupations meet in society. As they 
go there to unbend their minds and escape from the fetters 
of business, you should never, in an evening, speak to a man 
about his profession. Do not talk of politics to a journal- 
ist, of fevers to a physician, of stocks to a broker, — nor, 
unless you wish to enrage him to the utmost, of education 
to a collegian. The error which is here condemned is often 
committed from mere good nature and a desire to be affa- 



THE ART OF CONVERSATION, 2<3 

ble. But it betrays to a gentleman, ignorance of the 
world, — to a philosopher, ignorance of human nature. 

A gentleman will, by all means, avoid showing his learn- 
ing and accomplishments in the presence of ignorant and 
vulgar people, who can, by no possibility, understand or 
appreciate them. It is a pretty sure sign of bad breeding 
to set people to staring and f eeling uncomfortable. 

In England, it is regarded a breach of etiquette to repeat 
the name of any person with whom you are conversing. 
But the same rule does not hold in America. Here it is 
deemed no breach, if you are conversing with a lady by the 
name of Sherwood, to say, "Well, Mrs. Skenvood, do you 
not think," etc. 

In a mixed company, never speak to your friend of a 
matter which the rest do not understand, unless it is some- 
thing which you can explain to them, and which may be 
made interesting to the whole party. 

If you wish to inquire about anything, do not do it by 
asking a question ; but introduce the subject, and give the 
person an opportunity of saying as much as he finds it 
agreeable to impart. Do not even say, "How is your 
brother to-day ?" but "I hope your brother is quite well." 

Never ask a lady a question about anything whatever. 

By all means, avoid the use of slang terms and phrases 
in polite company. No greater insult can be offered to 
polite society than to repeat the slang dictums of bar- 
rooms and other low places. If you are willing to have it 
known that you are familiar with such company yourself, 
you have no right to treat a party of ladies and gentlemen 
as though they were, too. 

Avoid the habit of employing French words in English 
conversation ; it is extremely bad taste to be always using 



26 GENERAL RULES FOR CONVERSATION, 

such expressions as ci-devant, soi-disant, en masse, coideur de 
rose, etc. Do not salute your acquaintances with bon jour, 
nor reply to every proposition, volontiers. In society, avoid 
having those peculiar preferences for some subjects winch 
are vulgarly denominated "hobby-horses" They make your 
company a bore to all your friends ; and some kind-hearted 
creature will take advantage of them and trot you, for the 
amusement of the company. Every attempt to obtrude on 
a company subjects either to which they are indifferent, cr 
of which they are ignorant, is in bad taste. 

" Man should be taught as though j r ou taught him not, 
And things unknown proposed as things forgot." 

A. man is quite sure to show his good or bad breeding 
the instant he opens his mouth to talk in company. If he 
is a gentleman he starts no subject of conversation that can 
possibly be displeasing to any person present. The 
ground is common to all, and no one has a right to mo- 
nopolize any part of it for his own particular opinions, in 
politics or religion. No one is there to make proselytes, 
but every one_has been invited, to be agreeable and to 
please. 

He who knows the world, will not be too bashful. He 
who knows himself, will not be impudent. 

Do not endeavor to shine in all companies. Leave room 
for your hearers to imagine something within you beyond 
all you have said. And remember, the more you are 
praised, the more you will be envied. 

There is no surer sign of vulgarity than the perpetual 
boasting of the fine things you have at home. If you 
speak of your silver, of your jewels, of your costly apparel, 
it will be taken for a sign that you are either lying, or that 
you were, not long ago, somebody's washerwoman, and 



GENERAL RULES FOR CONVERSATION. 27 

cannot forget to be reminding everybody that you are not 
so now. 

You need not tell all the truth, unless to those who have 
a right to know it all. But let all you tell be truth. 

Insult not another for his want of a taJLent you possess ; 
he may have others, which you want. Praise your friends 
and let your friends praise you. 

If you treat your inferiors with familiarity, expect the 
same from tliem. If you give a jest, take one. Let all 
your jokes be truly jokes. Jesting sometimes ends in sad 
earnest. 

If a favor is asked of you, grant it, if you can. If not, 
refuse it in such a manner, as that one denial may be 
sufficient. 

If you are in company with a distinguished gentleman — 
as a governor, or senator — you will not be perpetually try- 
ing to trot out his titles, as it would make you appear like 
a lackey or parasite, who, conscious of no merits of your 
own, are trying to lift yourself by the company of 
others. In introducing such a gentleman, you will merely 
call him "governor," or "senator," and afterwards avoid 
all allusion to his rank. 

If you would render yourself pleasing in social parties, 
never speak to gratify any particular vanity or passion of 
your own, but always aim to interest or amuse others by 
themes which you know are in accordance with their tastes 
and understandings. Even a well-bred minister will avoid 
introducing his professional habits and themes at such 
places. He knows that the guests were not invited there 
t-^ listen to a sermom, and there may be some who differ 



28 GENERAL RULES FOR CONVERSATION. 

with him in opinions, who would have good reason to feel 
themselves insulted by being thus forced to listen to him. 

Beproof is a medicine like mercury or opium ; if it be 
inqpiroperly administered, with report either to the adviser 
or the advised, it will do harm instead of good. 

Nothing is more unmannerly than to reflect on any man's 
profession, sect, or natural infirmity. He who stirs up 
against himself another's self-love, provokes the strongest 
passions in human nature. 

Be careful of your word, even in keeping the most trifling 
appointment. But do not blame another for a failure of 
that kind, till you have heard his excuse. 

Never offer advice, but where there is some probability 
of its being followed. 

If you find yourself in a company which violently abuses 
an absent friend of yours, you need not feel that you axe 
called upon to take up the club for him. You will do bet- 
ter by saying mildly that they must have been misinformed 
— that you are proud to call him your friend, which you 
could not do if you did not know him to be incapable of 
such things as they had heard. After this, if they are 
gentlemen, they will stop — indeed, if they had been gen- 
tlemen, they would hardly have assailed an absent one in 
a mixed party ; and if you feel constrained to quit their 
company, it will be no sacrifice to your own self-respect or 
honor. 

Fools pretend to foretell what will be the issue of things, 
and are laughed at for their awkward conjectures. Wise 
men, being aware of the uncertainty of human affairs, and 
having observed how small a matter often produces a great 
change, are modest in their conjectures. 



GENERAL RULES FOR CONVERSATION. 29 

He who talks too fast, outruns his hearer's thoughts. 
He who speaks too slow, gives his hearer pain by hinder- 
ing his thoughts, as a rider who frets his horse by reining 
him in too much. 

Never think to entertain people with what lies out of 
their way, be it ever so curious in its kind. Who would 
think of regaling a circle of ladies with the beauties of 
Homer's Greek, or a mixed company with Sir Isaac New- 
ton's discoveries ? 

Do well, but do not boast of it. Eor that will lessen th9 
commendation you might otherwise have deserved. 

Never ask a question under any circumstances. In the 
first place, it is too proud ; in the second place, it may be 
very inconvenient or very awkward to give a reply. A lady 
inquired of what branch of medical practice a certain gen- 
tleman was professor. He held the chair of midwifery! 

To offer advice to an angry man, is like blowing against 
a tempest. 

Too much preciseness and solemnity in pronouncing 
what one says in common conversation, as if one was 
preaching, is generally taken for an indication of self- 
conceit and arrogance. 

Make your company a rarity, and people will value it. 
Men despise what they can easily have. 

Value truth, however you come by it. Who would not 
pick up a jewel that lay on a dung-hill ? 

The beauty of behavior consists in the manner, not the 
matter of your discourse. 

It is not in good taste for a lady to say c '^es, sir," and 
"No, sir," to a gentleman, or frequently i5lntroduce the\ 
word "Sir," at the end of her sentence, unless she desire 



30 GENERAL RULES FOR CONVERSATION. 

to be exceedingly reserved toward the person with, whom 
she is conversing. 

If your superior treats you with familiarity, it will not 
therefore become you to treat him in the same manner. 

A good way to avoid impertinent and pumping inquiries, 
is by answering with another question. An evasion may 
also serve the purpose. But a lie is inexcusable on any 
occasion, especially when used to conceal the truth from 
one who has no authority to demand it. 

To reprove with success, the following circumstances are 
necessary, viz. : mildness, secrecy, intimacy, and the esteem 
of the person you would reprove. 

If you be nettled with severe raillery, take care never to 
show that you are stung, unless you choose to provoke 
•more. The way to avoid being made a butt, is not to set 
up for an archer. 

To set up for a critic is bullying mankiud. 

[Reflect upon the different appearances things make to 
you from what they did some years ago, and don't imagine 
that your opinion will never alter, because you are extremely 
positive at present. Let the remembrance of your past 
changes of sentiment make you more flexible. 

If ever you were in a passion, did you not find reason 
afterwards to be sorry for it, and will you again allow your 
self to be guilty of a weakness, which will certainly be in 
the same manner followed by repentance, besides being 
attended with pain ? 

Never argue with any but men of sense and temper. 

8Va3 p 
It is ill-manners to trouble people with talking too much 

either of yourself, or your affairs. If you are full of your- 



GENERAL RULES FOR CONVERSATION, 31 

self, consider that you, and your affairs, are not so interest- 
ing to other people as to you. 

Keep silence sometimes, upon subjects which you are 
known to be a judge of. So your silence, where you are 
ignorant, will not discover you. 

To use phrases which admit of a double meaning is un- 
gentlemanly, and, if addressed to a lady, they become 
positively insulting. 

There is a vulgar custom, too prevalent, of calling almost 
everybody "colonel" in this country, of which it is suffi- 
cient to say, that this false use of titles prevails most 
among the lower ranks of society — a fact which sufficiently 
stamps upon it its real character, and renders it, to say the 
least, a doubtful compliment to him who has no right to 
the title. 

Think like the wise ; but talk like ordinary people. 
Never go out of the common road, but for somewhat. 

Don't dispute against facts well established, merely be- 
cause there is somewhat unaccountable in them. That the 
world should be created of nothing is to us inconceivable . 
but not therefore to be doubted. 

As you are going to a party of mirth, >ihink of the hazard 
you run of misbehaving. While you>are engaged, do not 
wholly forget yourself. And after all is c\ver, reflect how 
you have behaved. If well, be thanli^uV; it is more than 
you could have promised. If otherwise, be more careful 
for the future. 

It will never do to be ignorant of the names and ap- 
proximate ages of great composers, especially in large 
cities, where music is so highly appreciated and so com- 
mon a theme. It will be decidedly condemnatory if you 



32 GENERAL RULES FOR CONVERSATION. 

talk of the new opera "Don Giovanni," or Rossini's 
" Trovatore," or are ignorant who composed "Fidelio," 
and in what opera occur such common pieces as " Oiascun 
lo dice" or " II Segreto" I do not say that these trifles are 
indispensable, and when a man has better knowledge to 
offer, especially with genius or "cleverness" to back it, 
he will not only be pardoned for an ignorance of them, but 
can even take a high tone, and profess indifference or con- 
tempt of them. But, at the same time, such ignorance 
stamps an ordinary man, and hinders conversation. 

Don't talk of " the opera " in the presence of those who 
are not frequenters of it. They will imagine that you are 
showing off, or that you are lying, and that you have never 
been to the opera twice in your life. For the same reason, 
avoid too frequently speaking of your acquaintance with 
celebrated men, unless you are a public man yourself, who 
would be supposed to have such acquaintance. 

Do not sit dumb in company. That looks either like 
pride, cunning, or stupidity. Give your opinion modestly, 
but freely ; hear that of others with candor ; and ever en- 
deavor to find out, and to communicate truth. 

In mixed company, be readier to hear than to speak, and 
put people upon talking of what is in their own way. For 
then you will both oblige them, and be most likely to im- 
prove by their conversation. 

Humanity will direct to be particularly cautious of treat- 
ing with the least appearance of neglect those who have 
lately met with misfortunes, and are sunk in life. Such 
persons are apt to think themselves slighted, when no such 
thing is intended. Their minds being already sore, feel the 
least rub very severely. And who would be so cruel as to 
add affliction to the afflicted ? 



GENERAL RULES FOR CONVERSATION. C3 

To smother the generosity of those who have obliged 
you, is imprudent, as we31 as ungrateful. The mention of 
kindnesses received may excite those who hear it to de- 
serve your good word, by imitating the example which they 
see does others so much honor. 

Learning is like bank-notes. Prudence and good behav- 
ior are like silver, useful upon all occasions. 

If you have been once in company with an idle person, 
it is enough. You need never go again. You have heard all 
he knows. And he has had no opportunity of learning 
anything new. For idle people make no improvments. 

Deep learning will make you acceptable to the learned ; 
but it is only an easy and obliging behavior, and entertain- 
ing conversation, that will make you agreeable in all com- 
panies. 

Men repent speaking ten times for once that they repent 
keeping silence. 

It is an advantage to have concealed one's opinion. Por 
by that means you may change your judgment of things 
(which every wise man finds reason to do) and not be ac- 
cused of fickleness. 

There is hardly any bodily blemish, which a winning 
behavior wiU not conceal, or make tolerable ; and there is 
no external grace, which ill-nature or affectation will not 
deform. 

If you mean to make your side of the argument appear 
plausible, do not prejudice people against what you think 
truth by your passionate manner of defending it. 

There is an affected humility more insufferable than 
downright pride, as hypocrisy is more abominable than 
3 



34 GENERAL RULES FOR CONVERSATION. 

libertinism. Take care that your virtues be genuine and 
unsophisticated. 

Never ask any one who is conversing with you to repeat 
his words. Nothing is ruder than to say, "Pardon me, 
will you repeat that sentence ? I did not hear you at first," 
and thus imply that your attention was wandering when he 
first spoke. 

'When we speak of ourselves and another person, whether 
he is absent or present, propriety requires us to mention 
ourselves last. Thus we should say, he and I, you and L 

If a man is telling that which is as old as the hills, or 
which you believe to be false, the better way is to let him 
go on. Why should you refuse a man the pleasure of be- 
lieving that he is telling you something which you never 
heard before ? Besides, by refusing to believe him, or by 
telling him that his story is old, you not only mortify him, 
but the whole company is made uneasy, and, by sympathy, 
share his mortification. 



Never notice it if others make mistakes in language. To 
notice by word or look such errors in those around you, is 
excessively ill-bred. 

Avoid raillery and sarcasm in social parties. They are 
weapons which few can use ; and because you happen to 
have a razor in your possession, that is no reason why you 
should be allowed to cut the throats of the rest who are 
unarmed. Malicious jests at the expense of those who are 
present or absent, show that he who uses them is devoid 
both of the instincts and habits of a gentleman. Where 
two individuals or the whole company agree" to banter each 
other with good-natured sallies of wit, it is very pleasant, 
but the least taint of ill-nature spoils all. 



GENERAL RULES FOR CONVERSATION. 35 

If upon the entrance of a visitor you continue a conver- 
sation begun before, you should always explain the subject 
to the new-comer. 

If there is any one in the company whom you do not 
know, be careful how you let off any epigrams or pleasant 
little sarcaif^s. You might be very witty upon halters to 
a man whose father had been hanged. The first requisite 
for successful conversation is to know your company well. 



# 



Carefully avoid subjects which may be construed into 
personalities, and keep a strict reserve upon family mat- 
ters. Avoid, if you can, seeing the skeleton in your 
friend's closet, but if it is paraded for your special benefit, 
regard it as a sacred confidence, and never betray your 
knowledge to a third party. 



Listen attentively and patiently to what is said. It is a 
great and difficult talent to be a good listener, but it is one 
which the well-bred man has to acquire, at whatever pains. 
Do not anticipate the point of a story which another per- 
son is reciting, or take it from his lips to finish it in 
your own language. To do this is a great breach of eti- 
quette. 

Dr. Johnson, whose reputation as a talker was hardly less 
than that which he acquired as a writer, prided himself on 
the appositeness of his quotations, the choice of his words, 
and the correctness of his expressions. Had he lived in 
this "age of progress," he would have discovered that his 
lexicon was not only incomplete, but required numerous 
emendations. We can fancy the irritable moralist endeav- 
oring to comprehend the idea which a young lady wishes 
to convey when she expresses the opinion that a bonnet is 
"awful," or that of a young gentleman, when he asserts 
that his coat is "played out!" 



33 GENERAL RULES FOR CONVERSATION, 

Avoid the use of proverbs in conversation, and all sorts 
of cant phrases. This error is, I believe, censured by Lord 
Chesterfield, and is one of the most offensively vulgar 
which a person can commit. 

It is bad manners to satirize lawyers, in the presence of 
lawyers, or doctors in the presence of one of *ltiat calling, 
and so of all the professions. Nor should you rail against 
bribery and corruption in the presence of politicians, 
(especially of a New York politician,) or members of Con- 
gress, as they will have good reason to suppose that you 
are hinting at them. It is the aim of politeness to leave 
the arena of social intercourse untainted with any severity 
of language, or bitterness of feeling. There are places and 
occasions where wrong must be exposed and reproved, bat 
it is an unpardonable piece of rudeness to attempt such 
things at your own or another's social party, where every- 
thing is carefully to be avoided that can in the least dis- 
turb the happiness of any one. For this reason all kinds 
of controversies are, as a general rule, to be avoided at 
such times. 

Any conversation (that is not interdicted by decency 
and propriety) which can be pleasing to the whole com- 
pany, is desirable. Amusement, more than instruction 
even, is to be sought for in social parties. People are not 
supposed to come together on such occasions because they 
are ignorant and need teaching, but to seek amusement 
and relaxation from professional and daily cares. All the 
English books on etiquette tell you that " punning is scru- 
pulously to be avoided as a species of ale-house wit," and a 
savage remark of Dr. Johnson is usually quoted on the 
subject. But punning is no more to be avoided than any 
other kind of wit ; and if all wit is to be banished from the 
social circle, it will be left a stupid affair indeed. All kinds 
of wit, puns by no means excepted, give a delightful relish 



GENERAL RULES FOR CONVERSATION. 37 

to social parties when they spring up naturally and spon- 
taneously out of the themes of conversation. But for a 
man to be constantly straining himself to make jokes is to 
make himself ridiculous, and to annoy the whole company, 
and is, therefore, what no gentleman will be guilty of. 

Talk as little of yourself as possible, or of any science or 
business in which you have acquired fame. There is a 
banker in New York who is always certain to occupy the 
time of every party he gets into, by talking of his per cents, 
and boasting that he began life without a cent — which every 
one readily believes ; and if he were to add that he began 
life in a pig-pen, they would believe that too. 

If you put on a proud carriage, people will want to know 
what there is in you to be proud of. And it is ten to one 
whether they value your accomplishments at the same rate 
as you. And the higher you aspire, they will be the more 
desirous to mortify you. 

Nothing is more nauseous than apparent self-sufficiency. 
For it shows the company two things, which are extremely 
disagreeable : that you have a high opinion of yourself, 
and thai you have comparatively a mean opinion of them. 

It is the concussion of passions that produces a storm. 
Let an angry man alone, and he will cool off himself. 

It is but seldom that very remarkable occurrences fall 
out in life. The evenness of your temper will be in most 
danger of being troubled by trifles which take you by 



is as obliging in company, especially of superiors, to 
listen attentively, as to talk entertainingly. 

Don't think of knocking out another person's brains, be- 
cause "he differs in opinion from you. It will be as rational 



38 GENERAL RULES FOR CONVERSATION. 

to knock yourself on the head, because you differ from 
yourself ten years ago. 

If you want to gain any man's good opinion, take par- 
ticular care how you behave, the first time you are in com- 
pany with him. The light you appear in at first, to one 
who is neither inclined to think well or ill of you, will 
strongly prejudice him either for or against you. 

Good humor is the only shield to keep off the darts of 
the satirical railer. If you have a quiver well stored, and 
are sure of hitting him between the joints of the harness, 
do not spare him. But you had better not bend your bow 
than miss your aim. 

The modest man is seldom the object of envy. 

In the company of ladies, do not labor to establish 
learned points by long-winded arguments. They do not 
care to take too much pains to find out truth. 

You will forbear to interrupt a person who is telling a 
story, even though he is making historical mistakes in 
dates and facts. If he makes mistakes it is his own fault, 
and it is not your business to mortify him by attempting 
to correct his blunders in presence of those with whom he 
is ambitious to stand well. 

In a dispute, if you cannot reconcile the parties, with- 
draw from them. You will surely make one enemy, per- 
haps two, by taking either side in an argument when the 
speakers have lost their temper. 

. Do not dispute in a party of ladies and gentlemen. If a 
gentleman advances an opinion which is different from 
ideas you are known to entertain, either appear not to have 
heard it, or differ with him as gently as possible. You 
will not say, "Sir, you are mistaken!" "Sir, you are 



GENERAL RULES FOR CONVERSATION. 39 

wrong !" or that you "happen to know better ;" but you 
will rather use some such phrase as, " Pardon me — if I am 
not mistaken, " etc. This will give him a chance to say some 
such civil thing as that he regrets to disagree with you ; 
and if he has not the good manners to do it, you have, at 
any rate, established your own manners as those of a gen- 
tleman in the eyes of the company. And when you have 
done that, you need not trouble yourself about any opin- 
ions he may advance contrary to your own. 

If you talk sentences, do not at the same time give your- 
self a magisterial air in doing it. An easy conversation is 
the only agreeable one, especially in mixed company. 

Be sure of the fact, before you lose time in searching for 
a cause. 

If you have a friend that will reprove your faults and 
foibles, consider you enjoy a blessing, which the king 
upon the throne cannot have. 

In disputes upon moral or scientific points, ever let 
your aim be to come at truth, not to conquer your oppo- 
nent. So you never shall be at a loss in losing the argu- 
ment, and gaining a new discovery. 

"What may be very entertaining in company with ignorant 
people, may be tiresome to those who know more of the 
matter than yourself. 

There is a sort of accidental and altogether equivocal 
type of city women, who never get into the country, but 
they employ their time in trying to astonish the country 
people with narrations of the fine things they left behind 
them in the city. If they have a dirty little closet, with 
ten valueless books in it, they will call it their library. If 
they have some small room, that is used as kitchen, par- 
lor, and dining-room, they will magnify it into a drawing- 



40 GENERAL RULES FOR CONVERSATION. 

room. And a hundred other Utile signs of their grea 
vulgarity they will constantly insist on exhibiting to their 
country auditors. 

Put yourself on the same level as the person to whom 
you speak, and under penalty of being considered a pedan- 
tic idiot, refrain from explaining any expression or word 
that you may use. 

If yon are really a wit, remember that in conversation 
its true office consists more in finding it in others, than 
showing off a great deal of it yourself. He who goes 
out of your company pleased with himself is sure to 
be pleased with you. Even as great a man as Dr. John- 
son once retired from a party where everybody had spent 
the evening in listening to him, and remarked, as he went 
out, "We have had a pleasant evening, and much excellent 
conversation." 

If you happen to fall into company where the talk runs 
into party, obscenity, scandal, folly, or vice of any kind, 
you had better pass for morose or unsocial, among people 
whose good opinion is not worth having, than shock your 
own conscience by joining in conversation which you must 
disapprove of. 

If you would have a right account of things from illiter- 
ate people, let them tell their story in their own way. If 
you put them upon talking according to logical rules, you 
will quite confound them. 

I was much pleased with the saying of a gentleman, who 
was engaged in a friendly argument with another upon a 
point in morals. ' 6 You and I [says he to his antagonist] 
seem, as far as I hitherto understand, to differ considera- 
bly in our opinions. Let us, if you please, try wherein we 
can agree. " The scheme in most disputes is to try who 
shall conquer, or confound the other. It is therefore no 



GENERAL RULES FOR CONVERSATION. 41 

wonder that so little light is struck out in conversation, 
Tviiere a candid inquiry after truth is the least thing 
thought of. 

By all means, shun the vulgar habit of joking at the ex- 
pense of women. All such tricks as refusing a lady a piece 
of tongue, because "women already have tongue enough" 
are as vulgar as they are old and stale. The man who does 
not respect woman, exposes himself to the suspicion of 
associating generally with the fallen portion of the sex. 
And besides, he has no right to make a respectable parlor 
or drawing-room the theater of such vulgar jokes and rail- 
ing against the sex as go down in low society. 

If a man complains to you of his wife, a woman of her 
husband, a parent of a child, or a child of a parent, be very 
cautious how you meddle between such near relations, to 
blame the behavior of one to the other. You will only 
have the hatred of both parties, and do no good with 
either. But this does not hinder your giving both parties, 
or either, your best advice in a prudent manner. 

Be prudently secret.- But don't affect to make a secret 
of what all the world may know, nor give yourself airs of 
being as close as a conspirator. You will better disappoint 
idle curiosity by seeming to have nothing to conceal. 

Never blame a friend without joining some commenda- 
tion to make reproof go down. 

It is by giving free rein to folly, in conversation and ac- 
tion, that people expose themselves to contempt and 
ridicule. The modest man may deprive himself of some 
part of the applause of some sort of people in conversation, 
by not shining altogether so much as he might have done. 
Or he may deprive himself of some lesser advantages in 
life by his reluctaney in putting himself forward. But it 
is only the rash and impetuous talker, or actor, that effect- 



42 GENERAL RULES FOR CONVERSATION. 

ually exposes himself in company, or ruins himself in life. 
It is therefore easy to determine which is the safest side to 
err on. 

r 

It is a base temper in mankind, that they will not take 
the smallest slight at the hand of those who have done 
them the greatest kindness. 

If you fall into the greatest company, in a natural and 
unforced way, look upon yourself as one of them ; and do 
not sneak, nor suffer any one to treat you unworthily, with- 
out just showing that you know behavior. But if you see 
them disposed to be rude, overbearing, or purse-proud, it 
will be more decent and less troublesome to retire, than to 
wrangle with them. 

There cannot be any practice more offensive than that of 
taking a person aside to whisper in a room with company ; 
yet this rudeness is of frequent occurrence — and that with 
those who know it to be improper. 

If at any time you chance, in conversation, to get on a 
side of an argument which you find not to be tenable, or 
any other way over-shoot yourself, turn off the subject in 
as easy and good humored a way as you can. If you pro- 
ceed still, and endeavor, right or wrong, to make your first 
point good, you will only entangle yourself the more, and 
in the end expose yourself. 

Never over-praise any absent person, especially ladies, 
in company of ladies. It is the way to bring envy and 
hatred upon those whom you wish well to. 

To try whether your conversation is likely to be accepta- 
ble to people of sense, imagine what you say written down, 
or printed, and consider how it would read ; whether it 
would appear natural, improving and entertaining ; or 
affected, unmeaning, or mischievous. 



GENERAL RULES FOR CONVERSATION. 43 

It is better, in conversation with positive men, to turn 
off the subject in dispute with some merry conceit, than 
keep up the contention to the disturbance of the company. 

Don't give your advice upon any extraordinary emer- 
gency, nor your opinion upon any difficult point, especially 
in company of eminent persons, without first taking time 
to deliberate. If you say nothing, it may not be known 
whether your silence was owing to the ignorance of the 
subject, or to modesty. If you give a rash and crude 
opinion, you are effectually and irrecoverably exj30sed. 

If you fill your fancy, while you are in conrpany, with 
suspicions of their thinking meanly of you ; if you puff 
yourself up with imaginations of appearing to them a very 
witty, or profound person ; if you discompose yourself 
with fears of misbehaving before them, or in any way put 
yourself out of yourself, you will not appear in your natu- 
ral color, but in that of an affected, personated character, 
which is always disagreeable. 

It may be useful to study, at leisure, a variety of proper 
phrases for such occasions as are most frequent in life, as 
civilities to superiors, expressions of kindness to inferiors ; 
congratulations, condolence, expressions of gratitude, ac- 
knowledgment of faults, asking or denying of favors, etc. 
I prescribe no particular phrases, because, our language 
continually fluctating, they must soon become stiff and 
unfashionable. The best method of acquiring the accom- 
plishment of graceful and easy manner of expression for 
the common occasions of life, is attention and imitation of 
well-bred people. Nothing makes a man appear more 
contemptible than barrenness, pedantry, or impropriety 
of expression. 

Avoid flattery. A delicate compliment is permissible 
in conversation, but flattery is "broad, coarse, and to sensi- 



44 GENERAL RULES FOR CONVERSATION. 

ble people, disgusting. If you flatter your superiors, they 
will distrust you, thinking you have some selfish end ; if 
you flatter ladies, they will despise you, thinking you have 
no other conversation. 

If you meet an ill-bred fellow in company, whose voice 
and manners are offensive to you, you cannot resent it at 
the time, because by so doing you compel the whole com- 
pany to be spectators of your quarrel, and the pleasure of 
the party would be spoiled. 

If you must speak upon a difficult- point, be the last 
speaker if you can. 

You will not be agreeable to company, if you strive to 
bring in or keep up a subject unsuitable to their capacities, 
or humor. 

You will never convince a man of ordinary sense by over- 
bearing his understanding. If you dispute with him in 
such a manner as to show a due deference for his judg- 
ment, your complaisance may win him, though your saucy 
arguments could not. ' 

Avoid appearing dogmatical and too positive in any as- 
sertions you make, which can possibly be subject to any 
contradiction. He that is peremptory in his own story, 
may meet with another as positive as himself to contradict 
him, and then the two Sir Positives will be sure to have a 
skirmish. 

The frequent use of the name of God, or the Devil ; 
allusions to passages of Scripture ; mocking at anything 
serious and devout, oaths, vulgar by- words, cant phrases, 
affected hard words, when familiar terms will do as well ; 
scraps of Latin, Greek or French; quotations from plays 
SDoke in a theatrical manner — all these, much used in con- 



GENERAL RULES FOR CONVERSATION £5 

versation, render a person very contemptible to grave and 
wise men. 

If you send people away from your company well-pleased 
with themselves, you need not fear but they will be well 
enough pleased with you, whether they have received any 
instruction from you or not Most people had rather be 
pleased than instructed. 

If you can express yourself to be perfectly understood 
in ten words, never use a dozen. Go not about to prove, 
by a long series of reasoning, what all the world is ready 
to own. 

If any one takes the trouble of finding fault with*you, 
you ought in reason to suppose he has some regard for 
you, else he would not run the hazard of disobliging you, 
and drawing upon himself your hatred. 

Do not ruffle or provoke any man ; why should any one 
be the worse for coming into company with you ? Be 
not yourself provoked. Why should you give any man 
the advantage over you ? 

To say that one has opinions very different from these 
commonly received, is saying that he either loves singu- 
larity, or that he thinks for himself. "Which of the two 
is the case, can only be found by examining the grounds 
of his opinions. ♦ 

Don't appear to the public too sure, or too eager upon 
any project. If it. should miscarry, which it is a chance 
but it does, you will be laughed at. The surest way to 
prevent which, is not to tell your designs or prospects in 
life. 

If you give yourself a loose tongue in company, you may 
almost depend on being pulled to pieces as soon as your 



46 GENERAL RULES FOR CONVERSATION. 

back is turned, however they may seem entertained with 
your conversation. 

For common conversation, men of ordinary abilities 
will upon occasion do well enough. And you may always 
pick something out of any man's discourse, by which you 
may profit. For an intimate friend to improve by, you 
must search half a country over, and be glad if you can 
find him at last. 

Don't give your time to every superficial acquaintance : 
it is bestowing what is to you of inestimable worth, upon 
one who is not likely to be the better for it. 

If a person has behaved to you in an unaccountable 
manner, don't at once conclude him a bad man, unless you 
find his character given up by all who know him, nor 
then, unless the facts alleged against him be undoubtedly 
proved, and wholly inexcusable. But this is not advising 
you to trust a person whose character you have any 
reason to suspect. Nothing can be more absurd than the 
common way of fixing people's characters. Such a one 
has disobliged me, therefore he is a villain. Such another 
has done me a kindness, therefore he is a saint. 

Superficial people are more agreeable the first time you 
are in their company, than ever afterwards. Men of judg- 
ment improve every succeeding conversation ; beware 
therefore of judging by one interview. 

You will not anger a man so much by showing him that 
you hate him, as by expressing a contempt of him. 

Most women had rather have any of their good qualities 
slighted, than their beauty. Yet that is the most incon- 
siderable accomplishment of a woman of real merit. 

\ 



47 GENERAL RULES FOR CONVERSATION. 

You will be always reckoned by the world nearly of the 
same character with those whose company yon keep. 

You will please so much the less, if you go into company 
determined to shine. Let your conversation appear to 
rise out of thoughts suggested by the occasion, not strained 
or premeditated : nature always pleases : affectation is 
always odious. 



ON DRESS. 



It is hardly necessary to remind the reader that dress, 
though often considered a trifling matter, is one of con- 
siderable importance, for a man's personal appearance is a 
sort of "index and obscure prologue " to his character. 

Lord Chesterfield has said, " I cannot help forming some 
opinion of a man's sense and character from his dress." 
Besides, the appearance of a well-dressed man commands 
a certain degree of respect which would never be shown to 
a sloven. As Shakspeare has written, "The world is still 
deceived by ornament ;" and there are those who associate 
fine clothes with fine people so strongly, that they do not 
trouble themselves to ascertain whether the wearers are 
worthy of respect, as others form their opinions of books 
by the gilding of the leaves and beauty of the binding. 

The dress of a gentleman should be such as not to excite 
any special observation, unless it be for neatness and pro- 
priety. The utmost care should be exercised to avoid even 
the appearance of desiring to attract attention by the pecu- 
liar formation of any article of attire, or by the display cf 
an immoderate quantity of jewelry, both being a positive 
evidence of vulgarity. His dress should be studiously neat, 
leaving no other impression than that of a well-dressed 
gentleman. 

Well-bred people do not often dress in what is called the 
"height of the fashion," as that is generally left to dan- 



ON DRESS. 49 

dies and pretenders. But still it is undoubtedly a great 
point gained to be well dressed. To be fancifully dressed, 
in gaudy colors, is to be very badly dressed, however, and 
is an example of ill taste which is rarely met with among 
people of substantial good breeding. 

Cleanliness and neatness are the invariable accompani- 
ments of good breeding. Every gentleman may not be 
dressed expensively, he may not be able to do so ; but water 
is cheap, and no gentleman will ever go into company un- 
mindul of cleanliness either in his person or apparel. 

A well-dressed man does not require so much an exten- 
sive as a varied wardrobe. He wants a different costume 
for every season and every occasion ; but if what he selects 
is simple rather than striking, he may appear in the same 
clothes as often as he likes, as long as they are fresh and 
appropriate to the season and the object. There are four 
kinds of coats which he must have : a business coat, a frock- 
coat, a dress-coat, and an over-coat. A well dressed man 
may do well with four of the first, and one of each of the 
others per annum. An economical man can get aloug 
with less. 

Did any lady ever see a gentleman with an embroidered 
waistcoat, and a profusion of chains, rings, and trinkets 
adorning his person ? 

Avoid affecting singularity in dress. Expensive dressing 
is no sign of a gentleman. If a gentleman is able to dress 
expensively it is very well for him to 4o so, but if he is not 
able to wear ten-dollar broadcloth, he may comfort himself 
with the reflection that cloth which costs but five dollars a 
yard will look quite as well when made into a well-fitting 
coat. "With this suit, and well-made shoes, clean gloves, a 
white pocket-handkerchief, and an easy and graceful de- 
portment withal, he may pass muster as a gentleman. Man- 
4 



4 

450 OW DRESS. 



nera do quite as lunch to set oft a suit of clothes as clothes 
do to set off a graceful person. 

A dress perfectly suited to a tall, good-looking man, may 
render one who is neither ridiculous ; as although the for- 
mer may wear a remarkable waistcoat cr singular coat, at- 
viost with impunity, the latter, by adopting a similiar cos- 
tume, exposes himself to the laughter of all who see him. 
An unassuming simplicity in dress should always be pre- 
ferred, as it prepossesses every one in favor of the wearer. 

\ 

Avoid what is called the "ruffianly style of dress," or 
the nonchalant and slouchinj appearance of a half-unbutton- 
ed vest, and supenderless pantaloons. That sort of affecta- 
tion is if possible even more disgusting than the painfully 
elaborate frippery of the dandy. 

Gentlemen never make any display of jewelry ; that is 
given up entirely to the dominion of female taste. But 
ladies of good taste seldom wear it in the morning. It is 
reserved for evening display and for brilliant parties. 

The native independence of American character regards 
with disdain many of the stringent social laws which are 
recognized in England and on the continent. Thus, the 
dress which many of our countrymen adopt for the assem- 
bly-room and private parties would subject them to serious 
annoyance abroad. A frock-coat would not be tolerated a 
moment in any fashionable society in Europe, and whether 
it be esteemed a prejudice or otherwise, we are free to con- 
fess that in our opinion it is a violation of good taste, and 
ur: suited either to a ball-room or private assembly. 

We should, however, be far from denying the claim of 
gentleman to any person, simply because he wore a frock- 
coat ; for the fickle goddess, Fashion, tolerates it to a cer- 
tain extent in America ; but if the universal custom among 
the refined and polished members of society were to exclude 



ON DRESS. 51 

it, as in Europe, its use would manifest a contempt for the 
opinion of others, of which no gentleman could be guilty. 

If the title of gentleman should depend entirely and 
solely on one's conformation to the laws of . etiquette, the 
most unprincipled profligate or debauchee might success- 
fully wear it ; it is, however, but the finish and polish of the 
jewel — not the diamond itself. 

If we were allowed to say anything to the ladies concern- 
ing dress in a dictatorial way, and were sure of being 
obeyed, we should order them generally to dress less. How 
often do we see a female attired in the height of fashion, 
perfectly gorgeous in costume, sweeping along the dusty 
street, perspiring under the weight of her finery — dressed, 
in fact, in a manner fit only for a carriage. This is a very 
mistaken and absurd fashion, and such people would be 
astonished to see the simplicity of real aristocracy as re- 
gards dress. 

In our allusions to the dress of a gentleman, we have 
urged a studied simplicity of apparel ; the same remarks 
are equally applicable to that of a lady. Indeed, simplicity 
is the grand secret of a lady's toilet. "When she burdens 
herself with a profusion of bijouterie she rather detracts from 
than adds to her personal appearance, while all outre fash- 
ions and ultra styles of dress, though they excite attention, 
neither win res|3ect nor enhance the attraction of the 
wearer. 

Some ladies, perhaps imagining that they are deficient 
in personal charms — and we are willing to believe that there 
are such, although the Chestorfieldian school of philosophers 
would ridicule the idea — endeavor to make their clothes the 
spell of their attraction. With this end in view, they labor 
by lavish expenditure to supply in expensive adornment 
what they lack in beauty of form or feature. Unfortunately 
for their success, elegant dressing does not depend upon 



52 ON DRESS. 

expense. A lady might wear the costliest silks that Italy 
could produce, adorn herself with laces from Brussels which 
years of patient toil are required to fabricate ; she might 
carry the jewels of an Eastern princess around her neck and 
upon her wrists and fingers, yet still, in appearance, be 
essentially vulgar. These were as nothing without grace, 
without adaptation, without a harmonious blending of 
colors, without the exercise of discrimination and good 
taste. 

The most appropriate and becoming dress is that which 
so harmonizes with the figure as to make the apparel unob- 
served. When any particular portion of it excites the at- 
tention, there is a defect, for the details should not present 
themselves first but the result of perfect dressing should 
be an elegant woman, the dress commanding no especial re- 
gard. Men are but indifferent judges of the material of a 
lady's dress ; in fact, they care nothing about the matter. 
A modest countenance and pleasing figure, habited in an 
inexpensive attire, would win more attention from men, 
than awkwardness and effrontery, clad in the richest satins 
of Stewart and the costliest gems of Tiffany. 

There are occasionally to be found among both sexes, per- 
sons who neglect their dress through 4 a ridiculous affecta- 
tion of singularity, and who take pride in being thought 
utterly indifferent to their personal appearance. Million- 
aires are very apt to manifest this characteristic, but with 
them it generally arises through a miserly penuriousness 
of disposition ; their imitators, however, are even more de- 
ficient than they in common sense. 

Lavater has urged that persons habitually attentive to 
their attire, display the same regularity in their domestic 
affairs. He also says : "Young women who neglect their 
toilet and manifest little concern about dress, indicate a 



ON DRESS. 53 

general disregard of order — a mind but ill adapted to the 
details of housekeeping — a deficiency of taste and of the 
qualities that inspire love." 

Hence the desire of exhibiting an amiable exterior is es- 
sentially requisite in a young lady, for it indicates cleanli- 
ness, sweetness, a love of order and propriety, and all 
those virtues which are attractive to their associates, and 
particularly to those of the other sex. 

Chesterfield asserts that a sympathy goes through every 
action of our lives, and that he could not help conceiving 
some idea of people's sense and character from the dress in 
which they appeared when introduced to him. 

Another writer has remarked that he never yet met with 
a woman whose general style of dress was chaste, elegant 
and appropriate, that he did not find her on further ac- 
quaintance to be, in disposition and mind, an object to 
admire and love. 

The fair sex have the reputation of being passionately 
fond of dress, and the love of it has been said to be natural 
to women. We are not disposed to deny it, but we do not 
regard it as a weakness nor a peculiarity to be condemned. 
Dress is the appropriate finish of beauty. Some one has 
said that, " "Without dress a handsome person is a gem, 
but a gem that is not set. But dress," he further remarks, 
"must be consistent with the graces and with nature." 

" Taste," says a celebrated divine, "requires a congruity 
between the internal character and the external appear- 
ance ; the imagination will involuntarily form to itself an 
idea of such a correspondence. Eirst ideas are, in general, 
of considerable consequence. I should therefore think 
it wise in the female world to take care that their appear- 
ance should not convey a forbidding idea to the most su- 
perficial observer. ' 



54 ON DRESS. 

As we liave already remarked, the secret of perfect dress- 
ing is simplicity, costliness being no essential element of 
real elegance. "We have to add that everything depends 
upon the judgment and good taste of the wearer. These 
should always be a harmonious adaptation of one article of 
attire to another, as also to the size, figure and complex- 
ion of the wearer. There should be a correspondence in all 
parts of a lady's toilet, so as to present a perfect entirety. 
Thus, when we see a female of light, delicate complexion, 
penciling her eyebrows until they are positively black, we 
cannot but entertain a contempt for her lack of taste and 
good sense. There is a harmony in nature's tints which 
art can never equal, much less improve. 

A fair face is generally accompanied by blue eyes, light 
hair, eyebrows and lashes. There is a delicacy and har- 
monious blending of correspondences which are in perfect 
keeping ; but if you sully the eyebrows with blackness, 
you destroy all similitude of feature and expression, and 
almost present a deformity. 

"We cannot but allude to the practice of using white 
paints, a habit strongly to be condemned. If for no other 
reason than that poison lurks beneath every layer, induc- 
ing paralytic affections and premature death, they should 
be discarded — but they are a disguise which deceives no 
one, even at a distance ; there is a ghastly deathliness in 
the appearance of the skin after it has been painted, which 
is far removed from the natural hue of health. 

The hostess should b§ particularly careful not to out- 
shine her guests. We have seen many instances where 
a lady, fond of dress, (and what lady is not fond of dress ?) 
and conscious that it is unbecoming to dress to excess 
when visitors are invited, yet so unable to restrain the de- 
sire of display, has made the whole of her guests look 
shabby, by the contrast of her own gay colors. To dress 



OxV DRESS. 55 

meanly is a mark of disrespect to the company, but it i3 
equally so to make a very gay appearance. If you make 
a grand display yourself, you are &$\> to appear as if you 
•wished to parade your appearance, and it is always safer 
to be under than over the mark. 

In going out, consider the sort of company you are likely 
to meet, and endeavor to assimilate to them as much as 
possible — for to make a great display elsewhere is an evi- 
dence of bad taste. But here if you miss the happy medi- 
um, dress above the mark rather than below it, for you 
may dress more out of doors than you may at heme. 
Where dancing is expected to take place, no one should go 
without new kid gloves \ nothing is so revolting as to see 
one person in an assembly ungloved, especially where the 
heat of the room, and the exercise together, are sure to 
make the hands redder than usual. Always wear your 
gloves in church or in a theater. 

"We may add a few general maxims, applied to both sexes, 
and our task will be done. 

"All affectation in dress," says Chesterfield, "implies a 
flaw in the understanding." One should, therefore, avoid 
being singular, or attracting the notice, and the tongues 
of the sarcastic, by being eccentric. 

Never dress against any one. Choose those garments 
which suit you, and look well upon you, perfectly irre- 
spective of the fact that a lady or gentleman in the same 
village or street may excel you. 

When dressed for company, strive to appear as easy and 
natural as if you were in undress. Nothing is more dis- 
tressing to a sensitive person, or more ridiculous to one 
gifted with an esprit moqueitr, than to see a lady laboring 
under the consciousness of a fine gown ; or a gentleman 
who is stiff, awkward, and ungainly in a bran-new coat. 



£G ON DRESS. 

Dress according to your age. It is both painful and 
ridiculous to see an old lady dressed as a belle of four and- 
twenty, or an old fellow, old enough for a grandfather, 
affecting the costume and the manners of a beau. 

Young men should be well dressed. Not foppishly, but 
neatly and well. An untidy person at five-and-twenty, 
degenerates, very frequently, into a sloven and a boor at 
fifty. 

Be not too negligent, nor too studied in your attire ; 
and lastly, let your behavior and conversation suit the 
clothes you wear, so that those who know you may feel 
that, after all, dress and external appearance is the least 
portion of a Lady or Gentleman. 



INTRODUCTIONS. 



_ The custom which prevails in country places of introduc- 
ing everybody you meet to each other, is both an annoying 
and an improper one. As a general rule, introductions 
ought not to be made, except where there is undoubted 
evidence that the acquaintance would be mutually agreea- 
ble and proper. 

But if you should find an agreeable person in private 
society, who seems desirous of making your acquaintance, 
there cannot be any objection to your meeting his advances 
nail way, although the ceremony of an "introduction" 
may not have taken place; his presence in your friend's 
liouse bemg a sufficient guarantee for his respectability ns 
of course if he were an improper person he would not be 
there. 

It is customary in introducing people, to present the 
-youngest person to the oldest, or the humblest to the 
I highest m position, if there is any distinction. 

J In introducing a gentleman to a lady, address her first, 
5hus: "Miss Mason, permit me to present you to Mr 
Sent;" or, "Mr. Trevor, I have the pleasure of presenting 
| =0 you Mr. Marlow. " When one lady is married, and the 
>tner single, present the single lady to the matron- "Miss 
I Jams, aUow me to introduce you to Mrs. Martin." 

i When you introduce parties whom you are quite sure 
nil be pleased with each other, it is well to add, after the 



ON INTRODUCTIONS. 



introduction, that you take great pleasure in making them 
acquainted, which will be an assurance to each that you 
think they are well matched, and thus they are prepared 
to be friends from the start. 

In introducing parties, be careful to pronounce each 
name distinctly, as there is nothing more awkward than to 
have one's name miscalled. 

In introducing a foreigner, it is proper to present him 
as "Mr. Leslie, from England;" "Mr. La Bue from 
France. " Likewise when presenting an American who has 
recently returned after traveling in distant lands, make 
him known as "Mr. Dunlap, lately from Prance," or "Mr. 
Meadows, recently from Italy." 

It is very easy to make these slight specifications, and 
they at once afford an opening for conversation between 
the two strangers, for nothing will be more natural than to 
ask "the recently arrived " something about his voyage, or 
the places he has seen during his travels. 

When presenting a governor, designate the State he gov- 
ems-as, "Governor Fenton of New York. In introduc- 
ing a member of Congress, mention the State to which he 
belongs, as "Mr. Sherman of Ohio," or "Mr. Banks of 
Massachusetts." Do not forget that Congress includes the 
two legislative bodies. ^ 

When introducing any of the members of your own fam- 
ilv mention the name in an audible tone. It is not 
considered sufficient to say "My father," "My mother,' 
"My sister," or "My brother." But say, "My faJier, 
Mr Stanley," "My brother, Mr. Weston," "My sister, 
Miss or Mrs. Hope." It is best to be explicit in all these 
things, for there may be more than one surname m the I 
family. The eldest daughter should be introduced by her 



ON INTRODUCTIONS. 59 

surname only, as, "Miss Sherwood," her younger sisters, 
as " Miss Maud Sherwood," "Miss Mary Sherwood." 

In presenting a clergyman, do not neglect to put "Rever- 
end" before his name. If he is a D. D. say, " The Rever- 
end Doctor." If he is a bishop, then the word bishop is 
sufficient. 

When you are introduced to a person, be careful not to 
appear as though you had never heard of him before. If 
he happens to be a person' of any distinction, such a mis- 
take would be unpardonable, and no person is complimented 
by being reminded of the fact that his name is unknown. 

If .by any misfortune you have been introduced to a per- 
son whose acquaintance you do not desire, you can merely 
make the formal bow of etiquette when vgu meet him, 
which, of itself, encourages no familiarity ; but the boio is 
indispensable, for he cannot be thought a gentleman who 
would pass another with a vacant stare, after having been 
formally presented to him. By so doing, he would offer 
a slight which would justly make him appear contemptible 
even in the eyes of the person he means to humble. 

What is called "cutting" another is never practiced by 
/gentlemen or ladies, except in some extraordinary instances 
of bad conduct on the part of the individual thus sacri- 
ficed. An increased degree of ceremony and formal 
politeness is the most delicate way of withdrawing from an 
unpleasant acquaintance. Indeed, what is called u cut- 
ting" is rarely ever practiced by well-bred ladies and 
gentlemen. 

On introduction in a room, a married lady generally 
offers her hand, a young lady not ; in a ball-room, where 
the introduction is to dancing, not to friendship, you 
never shake hands ; and as a general rule, an introduction 
is not followed by shaking hands— only by a bow. It may 



CO ON INTRODUCTIONS. 

perhaps be laid down, that the more public the place of 
introduction, the less hand-shaking takes place ; but if the 
introduction be particular, if it be accompanied by per- 
sonal recommendation, such as, "I want you to know my 
friend Jones," then you give Jones your hand, and warmly 
too. 

It is understood in society, that a person who has been 
properly introduced to you, has some claim on your good 
offices in future ; you cannot therefore slight him without 
good reason, and the chance of being called to an account 
for it. 






\ 



LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION. 



Letters of introduction are to be regarded as certificates 
of repeatability, and are therefore never to be given -where 
you do not feel sure on this point. To send a person of 
whom you know nothing into the confidence and family 
of a friend, is an unpardonable recklessness. In England, 
letters of introduction are called " tickets to soup," because 
it is generally customary to invite a gentleman to dine who 
comes with a letter of introduction to you. Such is also 
the practice, to some extent, in this country, but etiquette 
here does not make the dinner so essential as there. 

In England, the party holding a letter of introduction 
never takes it himself to the party to whom it is addressed, 
but he sends it with his card of address. 

In France, and on the continent of Europe generally, 
directly the reverse is the fashion. In America the En- 
glish custom generally prevails ; though where a young 
gentleman has a letter to one who is many years his senior, 
or to one whose aid he seeks in some enterprise, he takes 
it at once himself. 

When a gentleman, bearing a letter of introduction to 
you, leaves his card, you should call on him, or send a 
note, as early as possible. There is no greater insult than 
to treat a letter of introduction with indifference — it is a 
slight to the stranger as well as to the introducer, which 
no subsequent attentions Avill cancel. After you have 



(32 LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION. 

made this call, it is, to some extent, optional "with yon as 
to what further attentions you shall pay the party. In 
this country everybody is supposed to be very busy, which 
is always a sufficient excuse for not paying elaborate atten- 
tions to visitors. It is not demanded that any man shall 
neglect his business to wait upon visitors or guests. 

Do not imagine these little ceremonies to be insignificant 
and beneath your attention ; they are the customs of soci- 
ety ; and if you do not conform to them, you will gain the 
uneviable distinction of being pointed out as an ignorant, 
ill-bred person. Not that you may care the more for 
strangers hj showing them civility, but you should scrupu- 
lously avoid the imputation of being deficient in good- 
breeding ; and if you do not choose to be x>olite for their 
sakes, you ought to be so for your own. 

Letters of introduction should only be given by actual 
friends of the persons addressed, and to actual friends of 
their own. Never, if you are wise, give a letter to a per- 
son whom you do not know, nor address one to one whom 
you know slightly. The letter of introduction, if actually 
given to its bearer, should be left unsealed, that he may 
not incur the fate of the Persian messenger, who brought 
tablets of introduction recommending the new acquain- 
tance to cut his head off. A letter of this kind must 
therefore be carefully worded, stating in full the name of 
the person introduced, but with as few remarks about 
him as possible. It is generally sufncient to say that he 
is a friend of yours, whom you trust your other friend 
will receive with attention, etc. In traveling it is well to 
have as many letters as possible, but not to pin your faith 
on them. 



DINNER PARTIES. 



IVtitations to dine, from a married party, are sent in 



some such form as the following : 



Mr. and Mrs. A present their compliments to Mr. and Mrs. B ■, 

and request the honor, [or hope to have the pleasure] of their company to 
dinner on Wednesday, the 10th of December next, at seven. 



A Street, November 18th, IS—. £ 

R. S. V. P. 

The letters in the corner imply "Repondez, sHl vous 
plait;" meaning, "an answer will oblige." The reply, 
accepting the invitation, is concluded in the following 
terms: 



Mr. and Mrs. B . present 'their compliments to Mr. and Mrs. A , 

and will do themselves the honor, [or will have much pleasure in] accepting 
their kind invitation to dinner on the 10th of December next. 

B Square, November 21st, 18—. 



The answer to invitations to dine, accepting or declining, 
should be sent immediately, and are always addressed to 
the lady. If, after you have accepted an invitaticti, any- 
thing occurs to render it impossible for you to go, the lady 
should be informed of it immediately. It is a great breach 
of etiquette not to answer an invitation as soon after it is 
received as possible, and it is an insult to disappoint when 
we have promised. 



64 DINNER PARTIES. 

Cards or invitations for a dinner party, should be issued 
at least two weeks beforehand, and care should be taken 
by the hostess, in the selection of the invited guests, that 
they should be suited to each other. Much also of the 
pleasure of the dinner-party will depend on the arrange- 
ment of the guests at table, so as to form a due admixture 
of talkers and listeners, the grave and the gay. 

Letters or cards of invitation should always name the 
hour of dinner ; and well-bred people will arrive as nearly 
at the specified time as they can. Be sure and not be a 
minute behind the time, and ■ you should not get there 
long before, unless the invitation requests you particularly 
to come early for a little chat before dinner. 

It is always best for the lady of the house, where a 
dinner-party is to come off, to be dressed and ready to 
appear in the drawing-room as early as possible, so that if 
any of the guests should happen to come a little early, she 
may be prepared to receive them. It is awkward for both 
parties where visitors arrive before the lady of the house is 
ready for them. If it is necessary for her to keep an eye 
upon the dinner, it is still best that she should familiarly 
receive her guests, and beg to be excused, if it is necessary 
for her to vanish occasionally to the kitchen. A real lady 
is not ashamed to have it known that she goes into the 
kitchen ; on the contrary, it is more likely that she will be 
a little proud of being thought capable of superintending 
the preparing feast. 

It is not in good taste for the lady of the house, where a 
dinner-party is given, to dress very much. She leaves ic 
for her lady-guests to make what display they please, and 
she offers no rivalry to their fine things. She contents 
herself with a tasty neglige, which often proves the most 
fascinating equipment after all, especially, if the cheeks 
become a little flushed with natural bloom, in consequence 



DINNER PARTIES. 65 

of the exercise and anxiety incident to the reception of 

the guests. 

The half hour before dinner has always been considered 
as the great ordeal through which the lady of the house, 
in giving a dinner-party, will either pass with flying colors, 
or lose many of her laurels. The anxiety to receive her 
guests, her hope that all will be present in good time, her 
trust in the skill of her cook, and the attention of the other 
domestics all tend to make the few minutes a trying time. 
The lady however, must display no kind of agitation, but 
show her tact in suggesting light and cheerful subjects of « 
conversation, which will bo much aided by the introduc- 
tion of any particular new bock, curiosity of art, or article 
of virtu, which may pleasantly engage the attention of 
the company. 

"Waiting for dinner," however, is a trying time, and 
there are few who have not felt — - 

" How- sad it is to sit and pine, 
The long Ualf-liour before we dine ! 
Upon our watches oft we look, 
Then wonder at the clock and cook, 

And strive to laugh in spite of Fate ! 
But laughter forced, soon quits the room. 
And leaves it to its former gloom. 
But lo ! the dinner now appears, 
The object of our hope and fears, 
The end of all our pain !" 

In giving an entertainment df this kind, the lady should 
remember that it is her duty to make her guests feel happy, 
comfortable, and quite at their ease ; and the guests should 
also consider that they have come to the house of their 
hostess to be happy. 

When dinner is on the table, the lady and gentleman of 
the house will have an opportunity of showing their tact 
5 



66 DINNER PARTIES. 

by seeing that the most distinguished guests, or the oldest, 
are shown into the dining-room first, and by making those 
companions at the table who are most likely to be agreea- 
ble to each other. The lady of the house may lead the 
way, or follow her guests into the dining-rocm, as she 
pleases. Among those who delight to follow the etiquette 
of the English nobility, the latter practice is followed. 
But the practice must not be considered a test of good 
breeding in America. If the lady leads, the husband will 
follow behind the guests, with the lady on his arm who is 
to sit at his side. The old custom is still followed to some 
' extent in this country, of the lady taking the head of the 
table, with the two most favored guests seated, the one at 
her right and the other at her left hand ; while the gentle- 
man of the house takes the foot of the table, supported on 
each side by the two ladies most entitled to consideration. 
But this old rule is by no means slavishly followed in polite 
society in this country. 

In order to be able to watch the course of the dinner, 
and to see that nothing is wanting to their guests, the 
lady and gentleman of the house usually seat themselves 
in the centre of the table, opposite each other. 

When all the guests are seated, the lady of the house 
serves in plates, from a pile at her left hand, the soup, 
which she sends round, beginning with her neighbors right 
and left, and continuing till all are helped. These first 
plates usually pass twice, lor each guest endeavors to in- 
duce his neighbor to accept what was sent to him. 

The gentleman then carves, or causes to be carved by 
some expert guest, the large pieces, in order afterwards to 
do the other honors himself. If you have no skill in 
carving meats, do not attempt it ; nor should you ever 
discharge this duty except when your good offices are 
solicited by him ; neither can we refuse anything sent us 
from his hand. 



HABITS AT TABLE. 



As soon as dinner is announced, the host or hostess will 
give the signal for leaving the drawing-room, and in all 
probability you will be requested to escort one of the ladies 
to the table. If this should occur, offer the lady your left 
arm, and at the table remain standing until every lady is 
seated, then take the £>lace assigned to you by the hostess. 
When you leave the parlor, pass out first, and the lady will 
follow you, still lightly holding your arm. At the door of 
the dining-room, the lady will drop your arm. You should 
then pass in, and wait at one side of the entrance till she 
passes you. Having arrived at the table, each gentleman 
respectfully salutes the lady whom he conducts, who in 
her turn, also bows and takes her seat. 

Nothing indicates the good breeding of a gentleman so 
much as his manners at table. There are a thousand little 
points to be observed, which, although not absolutely 
necessary, distinctly stamp the refined and well-bred 
man. A man may pass muster by dressing well, and may 
sustain himself tolerably in conversation ; but if he be nob 
perfectly " aufait" dinner will betray him. 

Any unpleasant peculiarity, abruptness, or coarseness of 
manners, is especially offensive at table. People are more 
easily disgusted at that time than at any other. All such 
acts as leaning over on one side in your chair, placing your 
elbows on the table, or on the back of your neighbor's 



68 HABITS AT TABLE. 

chair, gaping, twisting about restlessly in your seat, are to 
be avoided as heresies of the most infidel stamp at table. 

Though the body at table should always be kept in a 
tolerably uprig ht and ' easy position, yet one need not sit 
bolt-upright, as stiff and prim as a poker. To be easy, to 
be natural, and to appear comfortable, is the deportment 
required. 

Always go to a dinner as neatly dressed as possible. The 
expensiveness of your apparel is not of much importance, 
but its freshness and cleanliness are indispensable. The 
hands and finger-nails require especial attention. It is a 
great insult to every lady at the table for a man to sit down 
to dinner with his hands in a bad condition. 

It is considered vulgar to take fish or soup twice. The 
reason for not being helped twice to fish or soup at a large 
dinner-party is, because by doing so you keep three parts 
of the company staring at you whilst waiting for the second 
course, which is spoiling, much to the annoyance of the 
mistress of the house. The selfish greediness, therefore, 
of so doing constitutes its vulgarity. At a family dinner 
it is of less importance, and is consequently often done. 

You will sip your soup as quietly as possible from the 
side of the spoon, and you, of course, will not commit the 
vulgarity of blowing in it, or trying to cool it, after it is in 
your mouth, by drawing in an unusual quantity of air, for 
by so doing you would be sure to annoy, if you did not 
turn the stomach of the lady or gentleman next to you. 

Be careful and do not touch either your knife or your 
fork until after you have finished eating your soup. Leave 
your spoon in your soup plate, that the servant may re- 
move them. 

Never use your knife to convey your food to your mouth, 
undei* any circumstances; it is unnecessary, and glaringly 



HABITS AT TABLE. 69 

vulgar. Feed yourself with a fork or spoon, nothing else — a 
knife is only to be used for cutting. 

If at dinner you are requested to help any one to sauce, 
do not pour it over the meat or vegetables, but on one 
side. If you should have to carve and help a joint, do not 
load a person's plate — it is vulgar ; also in serving soup, 
one ladleful to each plate is sufiicient. 

Fish should always be helped with a silver fish-slice, and 
your own portion of it divided by the fork aided by a piece 
of bread. The application of a knife to fish is likely to 
destroy the delicacy of its flavor ; besides which, fish sauces 
are often acidulated ; acids corrode steel, and draw from 
it a disagreeable taste. 

The lady and gentleman of the house are, of course, 
helped last, and they are very particular to notice, every 
minute, whether the waiters are attentive to every guest. 
But they do not press people either to eat more than they 
apj)ear to want, nor insist upon their partaking of any par- 
ticular dish. It is allowable for you to recommend, so far 
as to say that it is considered "excellent," but remember 
that tastes differ, and dishes which suit you, may be un- 
pleasant to others ; and that, in consequence of your 
urgency, some modest people might feel themselves com- 
pelled to partake of what is disagreeable to them. 

Neither ladies nor gentlemen ever wear gloves at table, 
unless their hands, from some cause, are not fit to be seen. 

Avoid too slow or too rapid eating ; the one will appear 
as though you did not like your dinner, and the other as 
though you were afraid you would not get enough. 

Making a noise in chewing your food, or breathing hard 
in eating, are unseemly habits ; which will be sure to get 
you a bad name at table, among people of good-breeding. 



70 HABITS AT TABLE. 

Let it be a sacred rule that you cannot use your knife, or 
fork, or teeth too quietly. 

Avoid picking jour teeth, if possible, at table,* for how- 
ever agreeable such a practice might be to yourself, it may 
be offensive to others. The habit which some have of 
holding one hand over the mouth, does not avoid the vul- 
garity of teeth-picking at table. 

Unless you are requested to do so, never select any par- 
ticular part of a dish ; but if your host asks you what 
part you prefer, name some part, as in this case the inciv~ 
ility would consist in making your host choose as well as 
carve for you. 

If your host or hostess passes you a plate, keep it, 
especially if you have chosen the food upon it, for others 
have also a choice, and by passing it, you may give your 
neighbor dishes distasteful to him, and take yourself those 
which he would much prefer. 

If a dish is distasteful to you, decline it, but make no 
remarks about it. It is sickening and disgusting to explain 
at a table how one article makes you sick, or why some 
other dish has become distasteful to you. I have seen a 
well-dressed tempting dish go from a table untouched, 
because one of the company told a most digusting anecdote 
about finding vermin served in a similar dish. 

If the meat or fish upon your plate is too rare or too 
well-done, do not eat it ; give for an excuse that you pre- 
fer some other dish before you ; but never tell your host 
that his cook has made the dish uneatable. 

If a gentleman is seated by the side of a lady or elderly 
person, politeness requires him to save them all trouble of 
pouring out for themselves to drink, and of obtaining 
whatever they are in want of at the table. He should be 



HABITS AT TABLE. 71 

eager to offer them whatever lie thinks to be most to their 

taste. 

Never pare an apple or a pear for a lady unless she desire 
you, and then be careful to use your fork to hold it ; you 
may sometimes offer to divide a very large pear with or for 
a person. 

It is not good taste to praise extravagantly every dish 
that is set before you ; but if there are some things that 
are really very nice, it is well to speak in their praise. 
But, above all things, avoid seeming indifferent to the 
dinner that is provided for you, as that might be construed 
into a dissatisfaction with it. 

Some persons, in helping their guests, or recommending 
dishes to their taste, preface every such action with a eu- 
logy on its merits, and draw every bottle of wine with an 
account of its virtues; others, running into the contrary 
extreme, regret or fear that each dish is not exactly as it 
should be ; that the cook, etc. , etc. Both of these habits 
are grievous errors. You should leave it to your guests 
alone to approve, or suffer one of your intimate friends 
who is present, to vaunt your wine. 

If you ask the waiter for anything, you will be careful to 
speak to him gently in the tone of request, and not of com- 
mand. To speak to a waiter in *a driving manner will 
create, among well-bred people, the suspicion that you 
were sometime a servant yourself, and are putting on airs 
at the thought of your promotion. Lord Chesterfield says : 
' ; If I tell a footman to bring me a glass of wine, in a 
rough, insulting onamier, I should expect that, in- obeying 
me, he would contrive to spill some of it upon me, and I 
am sure I should deserve it. " 

Should your servants break anything while you are at 
table, never turn round, or inquire into the particulars, 



72 HABITS AT TABLE. 

however annoyed you may feel If your servants betray 
stupidity or awkwardness in waiting on your guests, avoid 
reprimanding them publicly, as it only draws attention to 
their errors, and adds to their embarrassment. 

Never commit the vulgarism of speaking when you have 
any food in your mouth. 

When you have occasion to change or pass your plate 
during dinner, be careful and remove your knife and fork, 
that the plate alone may be taken, but after you have fin- 
ished your dinner, cross the knife and fork on the plate, 
that the servant may take all away, before bringing you 
clean ones for dessert. 

Do not put butter on your bread at dinner, and avoid 
biting or cutting your bread from the slice, or roll ; rather 
break off small pieces, and put these in your mouth with 

your fingers. 

It is considered vulgar to dip a piece of bread into the 
preserves or gravy upon your plate and then bite it. If 
you desire to eat them together, it is much better to break 
the bread in small pieces, and convey these to your mouth 
with your fork. 

Avoid putting bones, or the seeds of fruit, upon your 
table-cloth. Eather place them upon the edge of your 
plate. 

When you wish to help yourself to butter, salt, or sugar, 
use the butter-knife, salt-spoon and sugar-tongs ; to use 
jour own knife, spoon or fingers evinces great ignorance 
and ill-breeding. 

It is customary in some American families to serve their 
guests with coffee in the parlor after dinner. But this is a 
European custom which is not generally practiced in po- 
lite American society. When coffee is given at the close 



HABITS AT TABLE. 73 

of the dinner, it is more usual to serve it before the guests 
leave the table. The practice of handing it round in the 
parlor or drawing-room, is an unnecessary inconvenience to 
the guests particularly, without any compensating advan- 
tages. 

Knger-glasses are generally handed round as soon as the 
yiands are removed, but they are intended merely to wet 
the fingers and around the mouth. When the finger- 
glasses are passed, wet you fingers in them and then wipe 
them upon your napkin. The habit of rinsing the mouth 
at table is a disgusting piece of indelicacy, which is never 
practiced by any well-bred person. 

Upon leaving the table, lay your napkin beside your 
plate, but do not fold it. 

Do no t leave the table until the lady of the house gives 
the signal, and when you leave offer your arm to the lady 
whom you escorted to the table. 

It is generally the custom in this country for ladies to 
retain their seats at table till the end of the feast, but if 
they withdraw, the gentlemen all rise when they leave the 
table, and remain standing until they have left the room. 

Politeness demands that you remain at least an hour in 
the parlor, after dinner ; "and, if you can dispose of an 
entire evening, it would be well to devote it to the person 
who has entertained you. It is excessively rude to leave 
the house as soon as dinner is over. 



WINE AT TABLE 



Almost every gentleman has wine at Ms table whenever 
he has invited guests. Indeed, /wine is considered an in- 
dispensable part of a good dinner, to which ladies and 
gentlemen have been formally invited. Even if you are a 
total-abstinence man yourself, yon will not, if you are 
really a gentleman, attempt to compel all your guests to be 
so against their wish. If you are so fanatical that you 
have what is called "conscientious scruples" against fur- 
nishing wine, then you should invite none to dine who are 
not as fanatical and bigoted as yourself. You must con- 
sider that a gentleman may have "conscientious scruples" 
against dining with you on cold water, for there are even 
temperate and sober gentleman who would go without 
meat as soon. as be deprived of their glass of wine at dinner. 
The vegetarian, who would force his guests to dine on 
cabbages and onions, is haudly guilty of a greater breach 
of etiquette than the total-abstinence fanatic who would 
compel his guests to go without wine. 

If there is a gentleman at the table who is known to be 
a total-abstinence man, you will not urge him to drink. 
He will suffer his glass to be filled at the first passage of 
the wine, and raising it to his lips, will bow his respects 
with the rest of the guests, and after that his glass will be 
allowed to remain untouched. As little notice as possible 
should be taken of his total-abstinence peculiarity. And, 
if he is a gentleman, he will carefully avoid drawing atten- 
tion to it himself. 



WINE AT TABLE. 75 

It is not now the custom to ask a lady across the table 
to take wine with yon. It is expected that every lady will 
be properly helped to wine by the gentleman who takes her 
to the table, or who sits next to her. But if you are in 
company where the old custom prevails, it would be bet- 
ter breeding to follow the custom of the place, rather than 
by an omission of what your entertainer considers civility, 
to prove him, in face of his guests, to be either ignorant 
or vulgar. If either a lady or gentleman is invited to 
take wine at table, they must never refuse ; if they do not 
drinlc, they need only touch the wine to their lips. Do 
not offer to help a lady to wine until you see she has fin- 
ished her soup or fish. 

Always wipe your mouth before drinking, as nothing is 
more ill-bred than to grease your glass with your lips. 

Do not propose to take wine with your host ; it is his 
privilege to invite you. 

It is considered well bred to take the same wine as that 
selected by the person with whom you drink. When, how- 
ever, the wine chosen by him is unpalatable to you, it is al- 
lowable to take that which you prefer, ab the same time 
apologizingly saying, " Will you permit me to drink claret f" 
or whatever wine you have selected. 

In inviting a lady to take wine with you at table, you 
should politely say, " Shall I have the pleasure of a glass 
of wiiie with you ? " You will then either hand her the 
bottle you have selected, or send it by the waiter, a:?.. I 
afterwards fill your own glass, when . yon will politely and 
silently bow to each other, as you raise the wine to your 
lips. The same ceremony is to be observed when inviting 
a gentleman. 

On raising the first glass of wine to his lips, it is cus- 
tomary for a gentleman to bow to the lady of the house. 



76 WINE AT TABLE. 

It is not customary to propose toasts or to drink deep at 
a gentleman's family table. Lord Byron describes "a 
largish party," as " first silent, then talky, then argumen- 
tative, then disputatious, then unintelligible, then alto- 
gothery, then drunk." But this was " a largish party," 
•which, it is to be hoped, was given at a tavern ; for the man 
who drinks to intoxication, or to any considerable degree of 
elevation, at a gentleman's family table, ought never to ex- 
pect to be invited a second time. 

At dinner-parties which are given to gentlemen, for the 
purpose of conviviality, one may indulge in as much wine 
as he pleases, provided he does not get drank, and make a 
nuisance of himself. "Where drinking, and toasting, and 
bumpers, are the order of the feast, as at a public dinner, 
given in honor of a distinguished man, or at the inaugura- 
tion of some public enterprise, far greater latitude is all 
lowed, in all things, than on more private and select oc- 
casions. 

In conclusion of our article on table etiquette, we quote 
from a recent English work, some humorous, but valuable 
hints: 

' ' We now come to habits at table, which are very im- 
portant. However agreeable a man may be in society, if 
he offends or disgusts by his table traits, he will soon be 
scouted from it, and justly so. There are some broad rules 
for behavior at table. "Whenever there is a servant to help 
you, never help yourself. Never put a knife into your 
mouth, not even with cheese, which should be eaten with 
a fork. Never use a spoon for anything but liquids. 
IT ever touch anything edible with your fingers. 

1 ' Forks were undoubtedly a later invention than fingers, 
but as we are not canibals, I am inclined to think they 
were a good one. There are some few things which you 



HABITS AT TABLE. 77 

may take up with your fingers. Thus an epicure will eat 
even macaroni with his fingers ; and as sucking asparagus 
is more pleasant than chewing it, you may, as an epicure, 
take it up au naturel. But both these things are generally 
eaten with a fork. Bread is, of course, eaten with the fin- 
gers, and it would be absurd to carve it with you knife and 
fork. It must, on the contrary, always be broken when 
not buttered, and you should never put a slice of dry bread 
to your mouth to bite a piece off. Most fresh fruit, too, is 
eaten with the natural prongs, but when you have peeled 
an orange or apple, you should cut it with the aid of the 
fork, unless you can succeed in breaking it. Apropos of 
which, I may hint that no epicure ever yet put a knife to 
an aiDple, and that an orange should be peeled with a 
spoon. But the art of x>eelihg an orange so as to hold its 
own juice, and its own sugar too, is one that can scarcely 
be taught in a book. 

" However, let us go to dinner, and I will soon tell you 
whether you are a well-bred man or not ; and here let me 
premise that what is good manners for a small dinner is 
good manners for a large one, and vice versa. Now, the 
first thing you do is to sit down. Stop, sir ! pray do not 
cram yourself into the table in that way ; no, nor sit a yard 
from it, like that. How graceless, inconvenient, and in 
the way of conversation ! "Why, dear me ! you are posi- 
tively putting your elbows on the table, and now you have 
got your hands fumbling about with the spoons and forks, 
and now you are nearly knocking my new hock glasses 
over. Can't you take your hands down, sir ? Didn't you 
learn that in the nursery ? Didn't your mamma say to 
you, "Never put your hands above the table except to 
carve or eat ?" Oh ! but come, no nonsense, sit up, if 
you please. I can't have your fine head of hair forming a 
side dish on my table ; you must not bury your face in the 
plate ; you came to show it, and it ought to be alive. "Well, 



78 HABITS AT TABLE. 

but there is no occasion to throw your head back like that, 
you look like an alderman, sir, after dinner. Pray, don't 
lounge in that sleepy way. You are here to eat, drink, and 
be merry. You can sleep when you get home. 

' ' Well, then, I suppose you can see your napkin. Got 
none, indeed ! Very likely, in my house. You may be 
sure that I never sit down to a meal without napkins. I 
don't want to make my tablecloths unfit for use, and I 
don't want to make my trousers unwearable. Well, now, 
we are all seated, you can unfold it on your knees ; no, no ; 
don't tuck it into your waistcoat like an alderman ; and 
what ! what on earth do you mean by wiping your fore- 
head with it ? Do you take it for a towel ? Well, never 
mind, I am consoled that you did not go farther, and use 
it as a pocket-handkerchief. So talk away to the lady on 
your right, and wait till soup is handed to you. By the 
way, that waiting is the most important part of table man- 
ners, and, as much as possible, you should avoid asking 
for anything or helping yourself from the table. Your 
soup you eat with a spoon — I don't know what else you 
could eat it with — but then it must be one of good size. 
Yes, that will do, but I beg you will not make that odious 
noise in drinking your soup. It is louder than a dog lap- 
ping water, and a cat would be quite genteel to it. Then 
you need not scrape up the plate in that way, nor even tilt 
it to get the last drop. I shall be happy to send you some 
more ; but I must just remark, that it is not the custom to 
take two helpings of soup, and it is liable to keep other 
people waiting, which, once for all, is a selfish and intoler- 
able habit. But don't you hear the servant offering you 
sherry ? I wish you would attend, for my servants have 
quite enough to do, and can't wait all the evening while 
you finish that very mild story to Miss Goggles. Come, 
leave that decanter alone. I had the wine put on the ta- 
ble to fill up ; the servants will hand it directly, or, as we 
are a small party, I will tell you to help yourself ; but pray, 



HABITS AT TABLE. 79 

do not be so officious. (There, I have sent him some tur- 
bot to keep him quiet. I declare he cannot make up his 
mind.) You are keeping my servant again, sir. Will you, 
or "will you not, do turbot ? Don't examine it in that Tray ; 
it is quite fresh, I assure you ; take or decline it. Ah, you 
take it, but that is no reason why you should take up a 
knife too. Fish, I repeat, must never be touched with a 
knife. Take a fork in the right and a small piece of bread 

in the left hand. Good, but ? Oh ! that is atrocious ; 

of course you must not swallow the bones, but you should 
rather do so than spit them out in that way. Put up your 
napkin like this, and land the said bone on your plate. 
Don't rub your head in the sauce, my good man, nor go 
progging about after the shrimps or oysters therein. Oh ! 
how horrid'! I declare your mouth was wide open and full 
of fish. Small pieces, I beseech you ; and once for all, 
whatever you eat, keep your mouth shut, and never attempt 
to talk with it full. 

' i So now you have got a pate. Surely you are not taking 
two on your plate ! There is plenty of dinner to. come, and 
one is quite enough. Oh ! dear 'me, you are incorrigible. 
What ! a knife to cut that light brittle pastry ? No, nor 
fingers, never. Nor a spoon — almost as bad. Take your 
fork, sir, your fork ; and, now you have eaten, oblige me 
by wiping your mouth and moustache with your napkin, 
for there is a bit of the pastry hanging to the latter, and 
looking very disagreeable. Well, you can refuse a dish if 
you like. There is no positive necessity for you to take 
venison if you don't want it. But, at any rate, do not be 
in that terrific hurry. You are not going off by the next 
train. Wait for the sauce and wait for the vegetables ; 
but whether you eat them or not, do not begin before 
everybody else. Surely you must take my table for that of 
a railway refreshment-room, for you have finished before 
the person I helped first. Fast eating is bad for the diges- 
tion, my good sir, and not very good manners either. 



80 HABITS AT TABLE. 

What ! are you trying to eat meat with a fork alone ? Oh ! 
it is sweetbread ; I beg your pardon, you are quite right. 
Let me give you a rule : Everything that can be cut with- 
out a knife, should be cut with a fork alone. Eat your 
vegetables, therefore, with a fork. No, there is no neces- 
sity to take a spoon for peas ; a fork in the right hand will 
do. What ! did I really see you put your knife into your 
mouth ? Then I must give you up. Once for all, and 
ever, the knife is to cut, not to help with. Pray, do not 
munch in that noisy manner ; chew your food well, but 
softly. Eat slowly. Have you not heard that Napoleon 
lost the battle of Leipsic by eating too fast ? It is a fact 
though. His haste caused indigestion, which made him 
incapable of attending to the details of the battle. You 
see you are the last person eating at table. Sir, I will 
not allow you to speak to my servants in that way. If they 
are so remiss as to oblige you to ask for anything, do it 
gently, and in a low tone, and thank a servant just as 
much as you would his master. Ten to one he is as good 
a man ; and because he is your inferior in position, is the 
very reason you should treat him courteously. Oh ! it is 
of no use to ask me to take wine ; far from pacifying me, 
it will only make me more angry, for I tell you the custom 
is quite gone out, except in a few country villages, and at a 
mess-table. Nor need you ask the lady to do so. How- 
ever, there is this consolation, if you should ask any one to 
take wine with you, he or she cannot refuse, so you have 
your own way. Perhaps next you will be asking me to 
hob and nob, or irinquer in the French fashion with arms 
encircled. Ah ! you don't know, perhaps, that when a 
lady trinques in that way with you, you have a right to 
finish off with a kiss. Very likely, indeed ! But it is the 
custom in familiar circles in Erance, but then we are not 
Erenchmen. Will you attend to your lady, sir ? You did 
not come merely to eat, but to make yourself agreeable. 
Don't sit as glum as the Memnon at Thebes ; talk and be 
pleasant. Now you have some pudding. No knife— no, 



HABITS AT TABLE. 81 

no. A spoon, if yon like, but better still, a fork. Yes, ice 
requires a spoon ; there is a small one handed you, take 
that. 

' ' Say 6 no. ' This is the fourth time wine has been handed 
to you, and I am sure you have had enough. Decline this 
time if you please. Decline that dish too. Are you going 
to eat of everything that is handed ? I pity you if you do. 
No, you must not ask for more cheese, and you must eat 
it with your fork. Break the rusk with your fingers. 
Good. You are drinking a glass of old port. Do not quaff* 
it down at a gulp in that way. Never drink a whole glass- 
ful of anything at once. 

"Well, here is the wine and dessert* Take whichever 
wine you like, but remember" you must keep to that, and 
not change about. Before you go up stairs I will allow you 
a glass of sherry after your claret, but otherwise drink of 
one wine only! You don't mean to say you are helping 
yourself to wine before the ladies ! At least, offer it to the 
one next to you, and then pass it on, gently, not with a 
push like that. Do not drink so fast ; you will hurry me 
in passing the decanters, if I see that your glass is empty. 
You need not eat dessert till the ladies are gone, but offer 
them whatever is nearest to you. And now they are gone, 
draw your chair near mine, and I will try and talk more 
pleasantly to you. You will come out admirably at your 
next dinner with all my teaching. What ! you are excited, 
you are talking loud to the colonel. Nonsense! Come and 
talk easily to me or to your nearest neighbor. There, 
don't drink any more wine, for I see you are getting ro- 
mantic. Yon oblige me to make a move. You have had 
enough of those walnuts ; you are keeping me, my clear 
sir. So now to coffee [one cup] and tea, which I beg you 
will not pour into your saucer to cool. Well, the dinner 
has done you good, and me too. Let us be amiable to the 
ladies, but not too much so." 
6 



CARVING. 



Carving- is an art which every parent should teach his 
sons and daughters. Nothing can be more disagreeable and 
unpleasant than to be placed before any particular dish 
without being able to help it properly. It is generally the 
case when the head of the family is a good carver ; for he so 
objects to see things badly cut, that he prefers carving 
everything himself. "We remember once, when very young, 
being invited to a large dinner, and we were placed before 
a ham. We began to hack this article, when the general, 
the founder of the feast, said to his servant, " Take that 
ham away from that young gentleman, and place it before 
some one who knows how to carve." From that moment 
we determined to achieve the art of carving,' and after 
great difficulty we succeeded, and succeeded so well that 
once,, in carving a hare, a clergyman, one of the guests, re- 
marked what an excellent invention that of boning a hare 
was, we carved it with so much ease ; but determined to 
have a joke at the expense of the clergyman, we laid down 
the knife and fork, and said, " Sir, we are surprised that you 
could express such an opinion, when it is well known 
that it has filled more jails and sent more men to the tread- 
mill than any other thing you can name." "What, sir, 
taking the bones out of a hare?" "No, sir, 'boning' the 
hare first." No one can carve without practice, and con- 
sequently children ought to begin young, in order to ac- 
quire a thorough knowledge of the art. It is difficult to 
describe the method of carving, even with drawings or dia- 



CARVING. 83 

grams ; but the reader who wishes to learn, may, by ob- 
serving how good carvers proceed, and applying what he 
has seen to what he reads, with jxractice, soon become an 
adept. 

And first, never stand up to carve ; this is the greatest 
vulgarity, and even a very short man need not stand up. 
A little, deformed, hump-back friend of -ours, used to give 
very good dinners ; he carved well, and delighted in 
showing it, but he had a failing — always to have very, large 
joints of meat .before him. One day a stranger guest ar- 
rived late, dinner had been served, even soup and fish 
had been removed ; the host was absolutely hidden be- 
hind an enormous round of beef, and the stranger saw 
nothing at the head of the table but the monstrous 
joint, round which a knife was revolving with wonderful 
rapidity. Steam was the subject of talk at the moment, 
and he exclaimed, " I did not know that you had brought 
steam to this perfection." "What perfection ?" "Why, 
don't you see that round of beef is carved by steam. " This 
was enough ; it got the hunchback's steam up, and, jump- 
ing on the chair, he demanded who dare insult him in his 
own house ; and it was with great difficulty that his friends 
co aid appease his wrath, and turn his steam off. Ever 
since the time of Adam, men and women have been prone 
to excuse themselves and lay the blame on others. Thus, 
a person who could not swim, complained bitterly of the 
want of buoyancy in the water ; and another, who had 
frightfully mangled a leg of mutton in attempting to carve, 
declared that the sheep was deformed and had a bandy leg. 

In France, at all large dinners, dishes are carved at the 
sideboard by a servant, and then handed round in small 
portions. It saves a great deal of trouble, and jorevents 
the shower of gravy with which awkward carvers will 
often inundate the table-cloth, and sometimes their neigh- 
bors. It would be well if this custom was universal in 



84: CARVING. 

America, where it is rare to find good carver. In help- 
ing the soup, never say, "Will you let me assist you to 
some of this soup ? " this is vulgar in the extreme. The 
word assist is not "selon les regies de la bonne socie'te," 
but simply, " Shall I send you some ? " Now, any one can 
help soup. But then there, are two ways, the right and the 
wrong. First, then, your soup plates should be held by 
the servant near the tureen, and you should judge the 
number you have to help by the quantity of soup you have, 
to avoid the possibility of consuming all your soup before 
you have helped your guests ; give one spoonful of soup 
to each plate, and avoid by all means slopping the soup 
either into the tureen or over the table-cloth, or over the 
side of the plate, all of which are extreme vulgarities. 
And here we beg to say — notwithstanding Brummel hav- 
ing said, in speaking of some one with whom he could" find 
no other fault, that he was a sort of fellow who would come 
twice to soup, — that, if very good, it is not vulgar to eat 
twice of it ; but, au contraire, if not good, the worst possi- 
ble taste. 

The next thing in order is fish. Now, of fish there are 
several sorts ; the first of the large sorts being 

Salmon, the shape of which every one knows ; but few 
people have a whole salmon at table. The fish should be 
served always on a strainer, covered with a small dinner 
napkin, and the cook should be careful that it be sent to 
table whole and unbroken. It should be laid on its side, 
and garnished with fried smelts ; it should be cut with the 
trowel, or fish-knife, immediately down the middle of the 
side, and helped from the centre to the back, one slice 
back and a small slice towards the belly, which is the 
richest and fattest part ; care should be taken that the 
slices are not broken, and with each slice a fried smelt 
be given. 

Cod-fish should be helped differently. Cutting from 



CARVING, 85 

the back to the thin part, erossways, and the sound divided 
so as to give each person a small portion. 

Mackerel, if boiled, should be divided into four; that is, 
place your trowel or fish-knife under the flesh at the tail, 
and raise up the flesh to the head, then divide the side in 
the middle, giving half of the side to each person, and 
leaving the bone and head and tail in the dish. 

Herrings should be helped by giving one to each person. 

Eels are always cut in small pieces, and all the attention 
required is that those which are the largest are the best. 

Patties and Entrees ought to be so arranged that they 
can be served with a spoon, and require no carving. The 
roast is therefore the next thing that calls for observation. 

A Leg of Mutton is, or rather ought to be served exactly 
the reverse side to a haunch of mutton ; that is, it ought 
to lie on the flat side, and so show the beveled side to the 
carver. A slice is cut in the center ; and then the carver 
is to cut to the bone right and left, the thick side being 
most esteemed. The best fat is. that which lies at the thick 
end, near to the bone ; there is not much of it, but it is 
considered a delicacy. 

A SiniiOrtf oe Beee. — The most elegant way to cut this 
joint is by making an incision from the chine-bone to the 
flap, directly in the center, and helping from either side. 
However, this is not the most economical way ; and there- 
fore it is to be cut thin on the outside, from the chine-bone 
to the flaps, with fat from underneath. Many people like 
the under side, or inner loin. If this is eaten hot — and i': 
is best hot — the joint should be turned, and the meat cut 
across in slices rather thicker than from the top side. 
Great care should be taken not to splash the gravy in turn_ 
ing, by placing the fork well into the flap, so as to secure a 
firm hold. 



86 CARVING. 

A Fore Quarter of Lamb should be carved without 
removing .the shoulder from the dish on which it is served. 
This is very difficult ; but if well done, very elegant. 
First, then, let us give all the directions necessary for this 
dish. When it comes before the carver, he should place 
the carving-knife under, the shoulder, and dexterously re- 
move it. Having so done, he should place under the 
shoulder a slice of fresh butter, and then prepare some 
salt, cayenne pepper, and the juice of an orange or a 
lemon, which should be also poured over the part of the 
lamb from which the shoulder has been separated, and 
then pour the gravy with the gravy-spoon over the lamb, 
so that the butter, etc., may amalgamate well with the 
gravy. You have then the breast and the ribs, and the 
shoulder on the dish, ready to help your friends. Before 
separating the ribs, you must cut off the breast, the bones 
of which the butcher has previously broken, so as to enable 
you to do it with ease. As, however, many people cannot 
carve so much in one dish, perhaps the better plan is to 
place the shoulder on a separate dish, when it can be cut 
precisely as a shoulder of mutton, and the ribs and breast 
can be more easily divided and helped. Always take care 
that the butcher joints the meat, or no man can carve it. 

A Hind Quarter of Lamb should be carved both as a 
leg and a loin, giving either part to those who prefer it. 

A Saddle of Lamb must be carved like a saddle of 
mutton. 

A Loin of Lamb should always be divided at the chine 
end of the bone, and helped in chops. 

A Haunch of Yenison or Mutton is the leg and part 
of the loin. It should be cut across, near the knuckle, 
and then another cut should pass down the center. The 
slices should be taken from the left and the right of this ; 
those on the left, containing the most fat, are preferred by 



CARVING. 87 

epicures. The fat and gravy must be equally distributed. 
These joints should always be served on a hot- water dish, 
or on a dish with a lamp under it, so as to keep the meat 
hot. Without one or other of these contrivances, no one 
should presume to give a haunch of venison to his friends. 
Before it is sent to table, the cook should pour over the 
haunch one wine-glassful of hot port wine. 

An Edge-bone of Beef should be placed on the dish 
standing on the thickest end. The carver should first cut 
off a slice horizontally from the end to the fat, an inch 
thick ; but in helping, it cannot be cut too thin, giving 
to each person hard and soft fat. If cut thick it is hard 
and indigestible. 

A Bound ok Buttock of Beef is cut like a fillet of veal ; 
that is, a slice having been horizontally removed all round, 
the slices should be cut very thin and very even. To 
properly carve a large round of beef, a long carving-knife, 
such as is used in a cook-shop, is necessary. 

A Fillet of Veal is a solid piece of meat without 
bone ; it is therefore easily carved by any one who pos- 
sesses a sharp knife ; the guard of the fork should be up, 
to prevent accidents. The veal should be well roasted ; 
for if the gravy is in it, it is very unwholesome. The slices 
may be cut thicker than beef, and the stuffing should be 
found in the center, and in the flap which surrounds it. 

A Beeast of Veal. — The richest part of this is called 
the brisket. The knife must be put about four inches from 
this, and cut through it, which will separate the ribs from 
the brisket ; serve whichever is liked. 

Calf's Head is a dish much esteemed here ; but, as 
generally eaten, plainly boiled, it is tasteless, insipid, and 
very objectionable — while cooked a la tortue, as in France, 
nothing can be better. It should always be boned and 



88 CARVING. 

roiled ; but if served whole, it is to be cut down the center, 
and helped in slices from either side. A portion of the 
sweetbread, which generally accompanies a boijed calf's 
head, should be given with each portion. If the flesh 
about the socket of the eye be preferred, the eye itself be- 
ing always taken out, the knife should be inserted into the 
orifice, and the meat scooped out. The palate — generally 
esteemed a delicacy — is situated under the head. This 
should be cut into small portions, so that every one may 
have a share. 

Shoulder of Mutton. — The joint being placed with the 
knuckle toward the right hand, observe that there is an 
angular piece of fat next you. Having helped your com- 
pany from this part, you may, perhaps, imagine that your 
shoulder of mutton is exhausted, and will not yield a fur- 
ther dividend. However, you may get from both sides of 
a large shoulder enough to help ten people, provided your 
slices are not too thick, which they should not be. 
The fat is to be cut from the aforesaid angular bit in slices, 
longways. After the right and left sides are exhausted, 
and the carver stopped by the knuckle on one side and the 
blade-bone on the other, the end of the shoulder is to be 
turned, and cut straight down from the center bone to the 
end, comprising the three best slices of the joint. If more 
is required, the shoulder may be reversed on the dish, and 
four good slices will be found on the under side. 

Saddle of Mutton. — This best joint of the sheep is 
carved in several ways ; the usual way is to cut from the 
tail to the end close to the chine-bone, taking the slices 
horizontally. Another plan is to cut close to the back- 
bone, taking slices sideways, so as to help each person 
with a piece like a mutton chop, without the bone and very 
thin. Another way is to commence, not quite close to the 
back-bone, and so cut slices, rounding them a little that 
they will curl on the plate, cutting in such a way that the 



CARVING. §9 

knife slants toward the flaps or fat, and so that the top of 
each slice is fat and the bottom lean ; and for a small 
party, this i3 by far the most elegant and the best way to 
carve this excellent joint. 

Ham. — There perhaps is no joint about which there has 
been so much contention as the carving of this excellent 
dish. For family use, do not have the skin removed, but 
let it be sent to table as it is dressed. Cut from the thick 
end, where there is most fat ; as a ham served hot is al- 
ways eaten with veal or poultry, you can thus eat the fat. 
Continue cutting your ham in this way, and you will be 
able to eat it all ; whereas, in any other way, all the lean 
will be eaten, and a large quantity of fat, which will be- 
come rancid, will be lost. 

Carving Ham for a Party. — The best informed say, 
carve it like a leg of mutton, that is, beginning in the cen- 
ter, cut right and left in thin slices ; we -say, commence 
at the knuckle, and cut a thick slice off, and then cut thin 
slices as they do in the cook-shops — for, rely on it, by this 
time they have found out the most economical way of carv- 
ing a ham. 

A Sucking- Pig must be divided down the middle, and 
decapitated. This ought to be done by the cook, and the 
two sides placed flat on the dish. Supposing, therefore, 
this to have been previously done, the carver is to take off 
the shoulders and the legs, and help the ribs in such pieces 
as he thinks convenient. The ribs are considered best, 
and you should give plenty of the sauce or gravy with each 
plate. ^ 

Hare. — There are two ways of carving this difficult dish. 
The first is to cut close to the back-bone from the shoulder 
to the rump on either side, previously dividing the legs ; 
take off the shoulders; cutting the back-bone in three or 



90 CARVING. 

four pieces, and getting two slices on either side of the 
hare. The ear is considered the best part. Another way 
of carving a hare is by taking off the legs and shoulders, 
and cutting it round through the back-bone, dividing into 
seven or eight pieces. It is better to bone a hare. 

A Rabbit is carved very differently. The legs and 
shoulders are to be taken off, and the back divided into 
three or four pieces. 

Fowls when boiled have their legs bent inwards, and 
tucked into the belly. A fowl must never be removed from 
the dish and placed upon the carver's plate ; nothing can be 
more vulgar. The wing is to be removed with a good slice 
of the breast, the only difficulty being to hit the joint. To 
effect this, the knife is to be passed between the leg and 
the body, and the leg turned back with the fork. To take 
off the merrythought the carver must commence just above 
where the breast turns, and cut down slanting ; then be- 
gin at the rump end, and cut the breast at either side, 
keeping the fork in that part of the breast nearest the 
rump, and turning it toward the carver; the side-bones 
may easily be removed, the back broken in half, and ihe 
two sides are then easily taken off. All this can only be 
learned by practice ; and although we have endeavored to 
describe it, we feel that it requires practice to carry out 
the directions. 

A Pheasant is carved precisely as a fowl. It is only 
necessary to say that ladies like the wings and breast. 

Wild Duck. — This bird is only helped from the breast, 
which is to be first scored in such a way as afterward to 
form the slice. Lemon juice, cayenne, salt, and port wine 
made hot, should be ready to pour over it ; then the pre- 
viously scored slices are to be cut and helped. The breast 
is the only eatable part, except when hashed. 



CARVING. 91 

Pabtkidge. — This bird is carved precisely as a fowl. 
The legs and the back are the best parts ; give them to the 
ladies, and let the rest of the company have the -wings and 
breast. 

Pigeons are usually cut straight down the middle, and a 
half sent to each person. 

Tuekeys are carved like geese. Never make a wing cut 
from the wing or pinion upward, and not from the breast 
downward. Give your knife a slight angle in cutting, and 
your slice will be larger and better. 

Goose. — To give a description of carving a goose is to 
say, simply, begin from the wing and cut the slices from 
the breast up to the breast-bone, and serve each person 
with a slice, with some stuffing and gravy. To cut a wing 
or leg is vulgar in the extreme ; for a large party, then, a 
second goose is necessary ; but lest our readers should say, 
"That is an easy way to avoid telling us how we ought to 
dismember this bird," we will continue. If you wish to 
do a vulgar thing, and dismember a goose, put your fork 
into the small end of the pinion, and press it close to the 
body, then put in the knife and divide the joint down ; to 
separate the leg, first put the fork into the small end of the 
bone, pressing it to the body, then pass your knife be- 
tween the leg and the body, turn the leg back with your 
fork, and it will come off. It is impossible that anything 
but experience will teach a person how to do this expertly ; 
but as we said before, it never should be done when served 
hot. It has been said frequently, that a goose is too much 
for one, and not enough for two. This means that the 
breast, which is the only eatable part of a roasted goose, 
is, supposing the person to eat nothing else, too much for 
one and not enough for two people's dinners ; another 
reason for never cutting off or eating the legs hot, is that 
they make a most excellent " devil " for breakfast the next 
day — therefore, why destroy a dish fit for a king ? 



92 CARVING. 

Woodcocks and SNjgs^-^These are both carved alike — 
the necessary direciamlWiSeing : remove the sand-bag, 
which contains the gall : this generally protrudes ; lift up 
the breast near the rump ; spread the tail on your toast ; 
cut the -wing, leg, and part of the back, the wing being cut 
full, that is, with plenty of the breast attached thereto, 
and you have one portion with a third of the toast ; serve 
the other side alike, with another third of the toast, and 
the breast and the rest of the back give to the person you 
esteem the least ; in fact, the legs, wings, and back, as be- 
fore described, are the best, and should be served together. 
Snipes should be cut in half, unless you have enough to 
give a bird to each person. 



ETIQUETTE OF THE BALL AND 
ASSEMBLY ROOM. 



Dancing lias been defined as a " graceful movement of 
the body, adjusted by art to the measures or tunes of in- 
struments, or of voice;" and again, "agreeable to the 
true genius of the art, dancing is the art of expressing the 
sentiments of the mind, or the passions, by measured 
steps or bounds made in cadence, by regulated motions of 
the figure and by graceful gestures ; all performed to the 
sound of musical instruments or the voice." 

Lord Chesterfield, in his letters to his son, says : 
"Dancing is, in itself, a very trifling and silly thing: but 
it is one of those established follies to which people of sense 
are sometimes obliged to conform ; and then they should 
be able to do it well. And though I would not have you a 
dancer, yet, when you do dance, I would have you dance 
well, as I would have you do everything you do well." 
In another letter, he writes : " Do you mind your dancing 
while your dancing master is with you ? As you will be 
often under the necessity of dancing a minuet, I would 
have you dance it very well. Remember that the graceful 
motion of the arms, the giving of your hand, and the put- 
ting off and putting on of your hat genteelly, are the ma- 
terial parts of a gentleman's dancing. But the greatest 
advantage of dancing well is, that it necessarily teaches 
you to present yourself, to sit, stand, and walk genteelly ; 
all of which are of real importance to a man of fashion." 

When a gentleman accompanies a lady to a ball he will at 
once proceed with her to the door of the ladies' dressing- 



91 ETIQUETTE OF THE 

loom, there leaving her ; and then repair to the gentlemen's 
dressing-room. In the mean time, the lady, after adjust- 
ing her toilet, will retire to the ladies' sitting-room or wait 
at the door of the dressing-room, according as the apart- 
ments may be arranged. After the gentleman has divested 
himself of hat, etc., and placed the same in the care of the 
man having charge of the hat-room, receiving therefor a 
check, and after arranging his toilet, he will proceed to the 
ladies' sitting-room, or wait at the entrance to the ladies' 
dressing-room for the lady whom he accompanies, and with 
her enter the ball-room. 

The ladies* dressing-room is a sacred precinct, into which 
no gentleman^ should ever presume to look ; to enter it 
would be an outrage not to be overlooked or forgiven. 

With the etiquette of a ball-room, so far as it goes, there 
are but few people unacquainted. Certain persons are ap- 
pointed to act as floor managers, or there will be a "Mas- 
ter of the Ceremonies," whose office it is to see that every- 
thing be conducted in a proper manner : if you are entirely 
a stranger, it is to them you must apply for a partner, and 
point out (quietly) any young lady with whom you should 
like to dance, when, if there be no obvious inequality of 
position; they will present you for that purpose ; should 
there be an objection, they will probably select some one 
they consider more suitable ; but do not, on any account, 
go to a strange lady by yourself, and request her to dance, 
as she will unhesitatingly "decline the honor," and think 
you an impertinent fellow for your presumption. 

A gentleman introduced to a lady by a floor manager, 
or the Master of Ceremonies, should not be refused by the 
lady if she be not already engaged, for her refusal would 
be a breach of good manners : as the Master of Ceremo- 
nies is supposed to be careful to introduce only gentlemen 
who are unexceptionable. But a gentleman who is un- 
qualified as a dancer should never seek an introduction. 



BALL AXD ASSEMBLY ROOM. 95 

At a private party, a gentleman may offer to dance with a 
lady without an introduction, but at balls the rule is differ- 
erent. The gentleman should respectfully offer his arm to 
the lady who consents to dance with him, and lead her to 
her place. At the conclusion of the set he will conduct 
her to a seat, offer her any attention, or converse with her. 
A gentleman should not dance with his wife, and not too 
often with the lady to whom he is engaged. 

Any presentation to a lady in a public ball-room, for 
the mere purpose of dancing, does not entitle you to claim 
her acquaintance afterwards ; therefore, should you meet 
her, at most you may lift your hat ; but even that is bet- 
ter avoided — unless, indeed, she first bow — as neither she 
nor her friends can know who or what you are. 

In inviting a lady to dance with you, the words, "Will 
you honor me with your hand for a quadrille ? " or, " Shall 
I have the honor of dancing this set with you ? " are more 
used now than "Shall I have the pleasure?" or, "Y/ill 
you give me the pleasure of dancing with you ? " 

If she answers that she is engaged, merely request her 
to name the earliest dance for which she is not engaged, 
and when she will do you the honor of dancing with you. 

"When a young lady declines dancing with a gentleman, 
it is her duty to give him a reason why, although some 
thoughtless ones do not. Ho matter how frivolous it may 
be, it is simply an act of courtesy to offer him an excuse ; 
while, on the other hand, no gentleman ought so far to 
compromise his self-respect as to take the slightest offence 
at seeing a lady by whom he has just been refused, dance 
immediately after with some one else. 

Never wait until the signal is given to take a** partner, 
for nothing is more impolite than to invite a lady hastily, 
and when the dancers are already in their places ; it can 
be allowed only when the set is incomplete. 



96 ETIQUETTE OF THE 

Be very careful not to forget an engagement. It is an 
unpardonable breach of politeness to ask a lady to dance 
■with you, and neglect to remind her of her promise when 
the time to redeem it comes. 

If a friend be engaged when you request her to dance, 
and she promises to be your partner for the next or any of 
the following dances, do not neglect her when the time 
comes, but be in readiness to fulfill your office as her cava- 
lier, or she may think that you have studiously slighted 
her, besides preventing her obliging some one else. Even 
inattention and forgetf ulness, by showing how little you 
care for a lady, form in themselves a tacit insult. 

In a quadrille, or other dance, while awaiting the music, 
or while unengaged, a lady and gentleman should avoid 
long conversations, as they are apt to interfere with the 
progress of the dance ; while, on the other hand, a gentle- 
man should not stand like an automaton, as though he 
were afraid of his partner, but endeavor to render himself 
agreeable by those "airy nothings" which amuse for the 
moment, and are in harmony with the occasion. 

The customary honors of a bow and courtesy should be 
given at the commencement and conclusion of each dance. 

Lead the lady through the quadrille ; do not drag her, t 
nor clasp her hand as if it were made of wood, lest she, not 
unjustly, think you a bear. 

You will not, if you are wise, stand up in a quadrille 
without knowing something of the figure ; and if you are 
master of a few of the steps, so much the better. But dance 
quietly ; lio not kick and caper about, nor sway your body 
to and fro ; dance only from the hips downwards ; and lead 
the lady as lightly as you would tread a measure with a 
spirit of gossamer. 



BALL AND ASSEMBLY ROOM. 97 

Do not pride yourself on doing the " steps neatly," un- 
less you are ambitious of being taken for a dancing-master ; 
between whose motions and those of a gentleman there is a 
great difference. 

Unless a man has a very graceful figure, and can use it 
with great elegance, it is better for him to walk through 
the quadrilles, or invent some gliding movement for the 
occasion. 

When a lady is standing in a quadrille, though not en- 
gaged in dancing, a gentleman not acquainted with her 
partner should not converse with her. 

"When an unpracticed dancer makes a mistake, we may 
apprise him of his error ; but it would be very impolite to 
have the air of giving him a lesson. 

Immediate attention should be paid to any request made 
by the Master of Ceremonies, and all misunderstandings 
respecting the dance should be referred to him, his deci- 
sion being deemed final. Otherwise his superintendence of 
the ball will be attended with great inconvenience. 

When forming for quadrilles, if by any oversight you 
should accidentally occupy another couple's place, on be- 
ing informed of the intrusion, you should immediately 
apologize to the incommoded party, and secure another 
position. 

Contending for a position in quadrilles, at either head 
or sides, indicates an irritable and quarrelsome disposition 
altogether unsuited for an occasion where all should meet 
with kindly feelings. 

When a company is divided into different sets, persons 
should not attempt to change their places without permis- 
sion from the Master of Ceremonies. 
7 



98 ETIQUETTE OF THE 

No persons engaged in a quadrille or other dance that 
requires their assistance to complete the set, should leave 
the room or sit down before the dance is finished, unless 
on a very urgent occasion, and not even then without pre- 
viously informing the Master of Ceremonies, that he may 
find substitutes. 

If a lady waltz with you, beware not to press her waist ; 
you must only lightly touch it with the palm of your hand, 
lest you leave a disagreeable impression not only on her 
ceinture, but on her mind. 

Above all, do not be prone to quarrel in a ball-room ; it 
disturbs the harmony of the company, and should be avoid- 
ed if possible. Recollect that a thousand little derelic- 
tions from strict propriety may occur through the ignorance 
or stupidit/of the aggressor, and not from any intention 
to annoy ; remember, also, that the really well-bred women 
will not thank you for making them conspicuous by over- 
ofiiciousness in their defence, unless, indeed, there be some 
serious or glaring violation of decorum. In small matters, 
ladies are both able and willing to take care of themselves, 
and would prefer being allowed to overwhelm the unlucky 
offender in their own way. 

When a gentleman has occasion to pass through an assem- 
blage of ladies, where it is absolutely impossible to make 
his way without disturbing them ; or when he is obliged to 
go in front, because he cannot get behind them, it is but 
common courtesy fcr him to express his regret at being 
compelled to annoy them. 

A gentleman having two ladies in charge may, in the 
absence of friends, address a stranger, and offer him a part- 
ner, asking his name previous to an introduction, and men- 
tioning that of the lady to him or not, as he may think 
proper. 



BALL AND ASSEMBLY ROOM. 99 

It is improper to .engage or reengage a lady to dance 
without the permission of her partner. 

Never forget that ladies are to be first cared for, to have 
the best seats, the places of distinction, and are entitled in 
all cases to your courteous protection. 

Young ladies should avoid sauntering through an assem- 
bly-room alone ; they should either be accompanied by their 
guardian or a gentleman. 

Neither married nor young ladies should leave a ball- 
room assemblage, or other party, unattended. The former 
should be accompanied by other married ladies, and the 
latter by their mother or guardian. Of course, a gentle- 
man is a sufficient companion for either. 

Young ladies should avoid attempting to take part in a 
dance, particularly a quadrille, unless they are familiar 
with the figures. Besides rendering themselves awkward 
and confused, they are apt to create ill-feeling, by inter- 
fering with, and annoying others. It were better for them 
to forego the gratification of dancing than to risk the 
chances of making themselves conspicuous, and the sub 
ject of animadversion. As we have elsewhere said, modesty 
of deportment should be the shining and preeminent char- 
acteristic of woman. She should be modest in her attire, 
in language, in manners and general demeanor. Beauty 
becomes irresistible when allied tb this lodestone of attrac- 
tion ; plainness of features is overlooked by it ; even j30si- 
tive homeliness is rendered agreeable by its influence. 

"When a gentleman escorts a lady to a ball, he should 
dance with her first, or offer so to do ; and it should be his 
care to see that she is provided with a partner whenever 
she desires to dance. 

After dancing, a gentleman should invariably conduct a 
lady to a seat, unless she otherwise desires ; and, in fact, a 



100 ETIQUETTE OF THE 

lady should not be unattended, at any time, in a public as- 
sembly. 

When you conduct your partner to her seat, thank her 
for the pleasure she has conferred upon you, and do not 
remain too long conversing \Tith her. 

"When that long and anxiously desiderated hour, the 
hour of supper, has arrived, you hand the lady you attend 
up or down to the supper-table. You remain with her 
while she is at the table, seeing that she has all that she 
desires, and then conduct her back to the dancing-rooms. 

If, while walking up and down a public promenade, you 
should meet friends or acquaintances whom you don't 
intend to join, it is only necessary to salute them the first 
time of passing ; to bow or nod to them at every round 
would be tiresome, and therefore improper ; have^ no fear 
that they will deem you odd or unfriendly, as, if they have 
any sense at all, they can appreciate your reasons. If you 
have anything to say to them, join them at once. 

We have already alluded to the necessity of discarding all 
cant terms and phrases from conversation, not only in 
assembly-rooms, but on all occasions ; and we would par- 
ticularly caution our young lady friends against even the 
recognition of those equivoques and double entendre which 
the other sex sometimes inconsiderately, but oftener deter- 
minedly, introduce. 

Neither by smiles nor blushes should they betray any 
knowledge of the hidden meaning that lurks within a phrase 
of doubtful import, nor seem to recognize anything which 
they could not with propriety openly make a subject of 
discourse. All indelicate expressions should be to them as 
the Sanscrit language is to most people/ incomprehensi- 
ble. All wanton glances and grimaces, which are by lib- 



BALL AND ASSEMBLY ROOM. 101 

ertines considered as but so many invitations to lewdness, 
should be strictly shunned. 

No lady can be too fastidious in her conduct, or too 
guarded in her actions. A bad reputation is almost as de- 
structive of happiness to her as absolute guilt ; and of her 
character we may say with the poet : 

" A breath can make them, or a breath unmake." 

In dancing, generally, the performers of both sexes 
should endeavor to wear a pleasant countenance; and in 
presenting hands, a slight inclination of the head, in the 
manner of a salutation, is appropriate and becoming. 
Dancing is certainly supposed to be an enjoyment, but the 
sombre countenance of some who engage in it, might al- 
most lead to the belief that it were a solemn duty being 
performed. If those who laugh in church would transfer 
their merriment to the assembly-room, and those who are 
sad in the assembly-room would carry their gravity to the 
church, they both might discover the appositeness of 
Solomon's declaration, that "there is a time to be merry 
and a time to be sad." 

We have already alluded to the importance of a correct 
use of language in conversation, and though we are aware 
that it is absolutely impossible to practice it without a cer- 
tain degree of education, yet we would urge that the habit 
which many acquire, more through carelessness than igno- 
rance, of disregarding it, is worthy of consideration. 
Many a young lady has lost a future husband by a wanton 
contempt for the rules of Lindley Murray. 

Though hardly a case in point, we cannot forego the 
opportunity of recording an incident in the career of a 
young man "about town," who, anxious to see life in all 
its phases, was induced to attend a public ball, the patrons 
of which were characterized more for their peculiarity of 



102 ETIQUETTE OF THE 

manners than their extraordinary refinement. On being 
solicited by an acquaintance, whom he respected for his 
kindness of heart and integrity rather than for his mental 
accomplishments, to dance with his daughter, he con- 
sented, and was accordingly introduced to a very beautiful 
young lady. Ere the dance commenced, and while the 
musicians were performing the " Anvil Chorus, " from 
" Trovatore," the young lady asked : " Do you know what 
that 'ere is ?" 

Supposing that she meant air, and wishing to give her 
an opportunity of making herself happy in the thought of 
imparting a valuable piece of information, in utter disre- 
gard of the principles of Mrs. Opie, he replied, "No." 
" Why," said she, "that's the Anvel Core-ri-ous. " 

With an expletive more profane than polite, he suddenly 
found his admiration for the lady as much diminished by 
her ignorance, as it had before been exalted by her 
beauty. 

At private assemblies, it should be the effort of both 
ladies and gentlemen to render themselves as agreeable as 
possible to all parties. With this purpose in view, the 
latter should, therefore, avoid showing marked preferences 
to particular ladies, either by devoting their undivided 
attentions or dancing exclusively with them. Too often, 
the belle of the evening, with no other charms than beauty 
of form and feature, monopolizes the regards of a circle of 
admirers, while modest merit, of less personal attraction, 
is both overlooked and neglected. We honor the generous 
conduct of those, particularly the "well-favored," who 
bestow their attentions on ladies who, from conscious lack 
of beauty, least expect them. 

On the other hand, no lady, however numerous the soli- 
citations of her admirers, should consent to dance repeat- 
edly, when, by so doing, she excludes other ladies from 
participating in the same amusement ; still less, as we have 



BALL AND ASSEMBLY ROOM. 103 

elsewhere hinted, should she dance exclusively with the 
same gentleman, to the disadvantage of others. 

Both ladies and gentlemen should be careful about in- 
troducing persons to each other without being first satis- 
fied that such a course will be mutually agreeable. 

The custom, in this country, particularly among gentle- 
men, of indiscriminate introductions, is carried to such a 
ridiculous extent, that it has often been made the subject 
of comment by foreigners, who can discover no possible 
advantage in being made acquainted with others with 
whom they are not likely to associate for three minutes, in 
whom they take not the slightest interest, and whom they 
probably will never again encounter, nor recognize if they 
should. Besides, every one lias a right to exercise his own 
judgment and taste in the selection of acquaintances, and 
it is clearly a breach of politeness to thrust them upon 
your friend or associate, without knowing whether it will 
be agreeable to either party. 



EVENING PARTIES. 



The etiquette of the ball-room being disposed of, let us 
now enter slightly into that of an evening party. 

The invitations issued and accepted for an evening party 
will be written in the same style as those already described 
for a dinner-party. They should be sent out at least three 
weeks before the day fixed for the event, and should be 
replied to within a week of their receipt, accepting or de- 
clining with regrets. By attending to these courtesies, 
the guests will have time to consider their engagements 
and prepare their dresses, and the hostess will also know 
what will be the number of her party. 

A lady, invited to an evening party, may request a gen- 
tleman to accompany her, even though he may not have 
received an invitation from the hostess. 

In most of the American cities nine o'clock is the hour 
which custom has established as the time for the lady to 
be in her parlor, ready to receive her guests, and by ten 
o'clock all the guests should arrive. It is an affectation, 
not entirely devoid of assumption and impudence, for peo- 
ple to purposely delay their appearance till a very late 
hour. 

As the ladies and gentlemen arrive, each should be shown 
to a room exclusively provided for their reception ; and 
the gentleman conducts the lady in his charge to the door 
of the ladies' dressing-room, while he goes to the gentle- 



EVENING PARTIES. 105 

men's apartment, each to prepare their toilet suitably to 
entering the reception-room. 

In the room set apart for the ladies, attendants should 
be in waiting to assist in uncloaking, and helping to 
arrange the hair and toilet of those who require it. 

After completing her toilet, the lady waits at the door 
of her dressing-room till the gentleman joins her, and they 
make their entree together. 

In large and formal parties, it is generally customary for 
the servant to announce the names of the guests as they 
enter the room, but this is a ceremony well enough dis- 
pensed with, except on occasions of very large and formal 
parties. 

It is the business of the lady of the house to be near the 
door to receive her guests ; if she is not there, you need 
not go hunting through the crowd after her. 

As the guests enter the room, it is not necessary for the 
lady of the house to advance each time toward the door, 
but merely to rise from her seat to receive their courtesies 
and congratulations. If, indeed, the hostess wishes to 
show particular favor to some peculiarly honored guests, 
she may introduce them to others, whose acquaintance 
she may imagine will be especially suitable and agreeable. 

It is very often the practice of the gentleman of the 
house to introduce one gentleman to another, but occasion- 
ally the lady performs this office ; when it will, of course, 
be polite for the persons thus introduced to take their 
seats together for the time being. 

"When entering a private ball or party, the visitor should 
invariably bow to the company. No well-brecj person 
would omit this courtesy in entering a drawing-room ; and 
although the entrance to a large assembly may be unnoticed 



106 EVENING PARTIES. 

by all present, its observance is not the less necessary. It 
is the thoughtless absence of good manners in large and 
mixed companies, where a greater degree of studied polite- 
ness is indispensable, that renders them sometimes so 
unpleasant. 

A separate room or convenient buffet should be appro- 
priated for refreshments, and to which the dancers may 
retire ; and cakes and biscuits, with lemonade, handed 
round. 

Of course a supper is provided at all private parties ; and 
this requires, on the part of the hostess, a great deal of 
attention and supervision. It usually takes place between 
the first and second parts of the programme of the dances, 
of which there should be several prettily written or printed 
copies distributed about the room. 

It will be well for the hostess, even if she be very partial 
to the amusement, and a graceful dancer, not to participate 
in it to any great extent, lest her lady guests should have 
occasion to comxDlain of her monopoly of the gentlemen, 
and other causes of neglect. 

A few dances will suffice to show her interest in the en- 
tertainment, without unduly trenching on the attention 
due to her guests. 

The hostess or host, during the progress of a party, will 
courteously accost and chat with their friends, and take 
care that the ladies are furnished with seats, and that those 
who wish to dance are provided with partners. A gentle 
hint from the hostess, conveyed in a quiet ladylike man- 
ner, that certain ladies have remained unengaged during 
several dances, is sure not to be neglected by any gentle- 
man. Thus will be studied the comfort and enjoyment of 
the guests, and no lady, in leaving the house, will be able 
to feel the chagrin and disappointment of not having been 



EVENING PARTIES. 107 

invited to " stand up" in a dance during the whole 
evening. 

For any of the members, either sons or daughters, of 
the family at whose house the party is given, to dance fre- 
quently or constantly, denotes decided ill-breeding. The 
ladies of the house should not occupy those places in a 
quadrille which others may wish to nil, and they should, 
moreover, be at leisure to attend to the rest of the com- 
pany ; and the gentlemen should be entertaining the 
married ladies and those who do not dance. 

In private parties, a lady is not to refuse the invitation 
of a gentleman to dance, unless she be previously engaged. 
The hostess must be supposed to have asked to her house 
only those persons whom she knows to be perfectly re- 
spectable and of unblemished character, as well as pretty 
equal in position ; and thus, to decline the offer of any 
gentleman present, would be a tacit reflection on the gen- 
tleman or lady of the house. 

If one lady refuses you, do not ask another who is seated 
near her to dance the same set. Do not go immediately 
to another lady, but chat a few moments with the one 
whom you first invited, and then join a group or gentlemen 
friends for a few moments, before seeking another partner. 

In private parties, where dancing is the chief part of the 
evening's entertainment, it is not in conformity with the 
rules of etiquette for a young lady to dance with one gentle- 
man repeatedly, to the exclusion of all others who may solicit 
her hand, even though the favored individual be her 
suitor. However complimentary to the lady, to be the 
recipient of a gentleman's undivided attentions, or how- 
ever gratifying it may be for him to manifest his devotion 
to the lady of his choice, such a course is an exhibition of 
selfishness which ought not to be displayed in an assem- 



108 EVENING PARTIES. 

blage of ladies and gentlemen who have congregated for 
mutual enjoyment. 

It is not considered comme il faut to ask a married lady 
to dance, when her husband is present, without previously 
ascertaining whether it be agreeable to him. 

Gentlemen will not get together in groups to the neg- 
lect of the ladies. 

The members of an invited family should never be seen 
conversing with each other at a party 

If you accompany your wife to a dancing party, be care : 
f ul not to dance with her, except perhaps the first set. 

"Where there are no programmes, engagements should 
not be made until the dance is announced. 

When the dance is over, the gentleman conducts his 
partner to her seat ; and, unless he chooses to sit beside 
her, bows and withdraws. 

"While dancing, a lady should consider herself engaged 
to her partner, and therefore not at liberty to hold a flirta- 
tion, between the figures, with another gentleman ; and 
should recollect that it is the gentleman's part to lead her, 
and hers to follow his directions. 

In a circle, we should not pass before a lady ; neither 
should we present anything by extending the arm over her, 
but pass round behind and present it. In case we cannot 
do it, we say, / ask your pardon, etc. 

In ascending a staircase with ladies, go at their side or 
before them. 

A correct ear for music does not pertain to every one, 
and those who are deficient in this respect should refrain 
from dancing. Let not the unpracticed dancer attempt 



EVENING PARTIES. 109 

quadrilles. A novice necessarily perplexes and annoys a 
partner. On the other hand, nowhere perhaps has a 
kindly disposition more pleasing opportunities of con- 
ferring small benefits than in a ball-room. Those who are 
expert in dancing may gently apprise the unskillful of an 
error, and this without giving the slightest offense, or 
seeming to dictate ; while such as dance well, and are 
solicited to dance, should carefully avoid speaking of it. 
They ought rather to seek to contribute to less fortunate 
persons a full share in the evening's amusement. A lady 
may do this by gently hinting to a gentleman who solicits 
her hand for another dance, that such a lady has remained 
unengaged. No gentleman will neglect such a suggestion. 

There is a custom which is sometimes practiced both in 
the assembly room and at private parties, which cannot be 
too strongly reprehended ; we allude to the habit of ridi- 
cule and ungenerous criticism of those who are ungraceful 
or otherwise obnoxious to censure, which is indulged in by 
the thoughtless, particularly among the dancers. Of its 
gross impropriety and vulgarity we need hardly express an 
opinion ; but there is such an utter disregard for the feel- 
ings of others implied in this kind of negative censorship, 
that we cannot forbear to warn our young readers to avoid 
it. The "Koran" says: "Do not mock — the mocked 
may be better than the mocker." Those you condemn 
may not have had the same advantages as yourself in 
acquiring grace or dignity, while they may be infinitely 
superior in purity of heart and mental accomplishments. 
The advice of Chesterfield to his son, in his commerce with 
society, to do as you would be done by, is founded on the 
Christian precept, and worthy of commendation. Imagine 
yourself the victim of another's ridicule, and you will cease 
to indulge in a pastime which only gains for you the 
hatred of those you satirize, if they chance to observe you, 
and the contempt of others who have noticed your violation 
of politeness, and abuse of true sociality. 



110 EVENING PARTIES. 

We conclude our strictures on this subject with the fol- 
lowing passage from the essays of Addison: "But what 
an absurd thing it is, to pass over all the valuable charac- 
teristics of individuals, and fix our attention on their 
infirmities — to observe their imperfections more than their 
virtues — and to make use of them for the sport of others, 
rather than for our own improvement." 

In whatever relation with the fair sex, and under what- 
soever circumstances, it is the duty — we may add, the 
practice — of a gentleman to so deport himself as to avoid 
giving any cause of offense. » 

In private parties, where people meet for the pleasure of 
conversation, remember occasionally to change your place. 
Opportunities will readily occur, such, for instance, as the 
opening of a portfolio of prints, or the showing of any 
article of taste or science. You will thus avoid the awk- 
wardness of being either left alone, or constraining the 
master or mistress of the house to commiserate your isol- 
ated condition. v 

If you are asked by the lady of the house, at an evening 
party, to sing, and you can really do so well, comply at 
once ; but never sing at the request of another person. If 
you cannot or do not choose to sing, say so at once with 
seriousness and gravity, and put an end to the expectation 
promptly. After singing once or twice, cease and give 
place to others. 

"When singing or playing is going on, if you have no 
taste for music, you should still be profoundly silent. To 
converse, is annoying to the rest of the company, rude to 
the mistress of the house, and cruel to the performer. 

Carefully avoid all peculiarities of manner ; and every 
wish to show off, or to absorb conversation to yourself. Be 
also very careful not to appear to be wiser than the com- 



EVENING PARTIES. HI 

pany. If a fact in history is mentioned, even if it be not 
quite correct, do not set the narrator right, unless in a very 
delicate and submissive manner. If an engraving of 
distant scenery or foreign buildings is shown, do not indus- 
triously point out inaccuracies. It mny be that such occur, 
but finding fault is never acceptable ; it conveys a censure 
on the taste or information of the possessor ; or it suggests 
that he has been imposed upon — an idea which is always 
productive of mortification. Such attempts to appear 
wiser than the rest of the company, interfere with the 
pleasure of the party, and the person who falls into them 
is never long acceptable. 

People sometimes say, that they are not invited to par- 
ties ; they complain of neglect, and are out of humor with 
the w orld. Let such persons consider whether they have 
not brought upon themselves the neglect which they 
deplore. 

Should the guests be numerous, and the space scarcely 
sufficient for their accommodation, it would be considered 
extremely ill-bred to take a place previously engaged ; or, 
when joining a country dance, to push in at the middle or 
upper end. You must take your station below the last 
couple who are standing up. 

If there be a supper, the gentleman should conduct to 
the supper-room his last partner, unless he have a prior 
engagement, or is asked by the host to do otherwise. In 
the latter case, he should provide his partner with a sub- 
stitute, at the same time making a handsome apology. 

No gentleman should offer his services to conduct a lady 
home, without being acquainted with her, unless he ha^e 
been requested so to do by the host. 

When any of the carriages of the guests are announced, 
or the time for their departnre arrived, they should make 



112 EVENING PARTIES. 



a slight intimation to the hostess, without, however, excit- 
ing any observation, that they are about to depart. If this 
cannot be done without creating too much bustle, it will 
be better for the visitors to retire quietly without saying 
good-night, for when people are seen to be leaving, it often 
breaks up the .party. An opportunity, however, may pre- 
viously be sought of intimating to the hostess your inten- 
tion to retire, which is more respectful. 

During the course of the week, the hostess will expect 
to receive from every guest a call, where it is possible, or 
cards expressing the gratification experienced from her 
entertainment. This attention is due to every lady for the 
pains and trouble she has been at, and tends to promote 
social, kindly feelings. 



VISITING. 



Next in order to the ceremonials of dinner or evening 
parties, are customary calls, comprised under the general 
head of visiting. They are those of ceremony, friendship, 
or condolence, and occupy no small portion of time. 

Such visits are necessary, in order to maintain good feel- 
ing between the members of society ; they are required by 
the custom of the age in which we live, and must be care- 
fullv attended to. 

First, then, are visits of ceremony, merging occasionally 
into those of friendship, but uniformly required after din- 
ing at a friend's house. Professional men are not however, 
in general, expectad to pay such visits, because their time 
is preoccupied ; but they form almost the only exception. 

Visits of ceremony must be necessarily short. They 
should on no account be made before the hour, nor yet 
during the time of luncheon. Persons who intrude them- 
selves at unwonted hours are never welcome ; the lady of 
the house does not like to be disturbed when she is per- 
haps dining with her children ; and the servants justly 
complain of being interrupted at the hour when they 
assemble for their noon-day meal. Ascertain, therefore, 
which you can readily do, what is the family hour for 
luncheon, and act accordingly. 

Half an hour amply suffices for a visit of ceremony. If 
the visitor be a lady, she may remove her victorine, but on 
no account either the shawl or bonnet, even if politely 
8 



114 VISITING. 

requested to do so by the mistress of the hor.se. Some 
trouble is necessarily required in replacing them, and this 
ought to be avoided. If, however, your visit of ceremony 
is to a particular friend, the case is different ; but even 
then, it is best to wait till you are invited to do so ; and 
when you rise for the purpose the lady of the house will 
assist you. 

Favorite dogs are never welcome visitors in a drawing- 
room. Many people have even a dislike to such animals. 
They require watching, lest they should leap upon a chair 
or sofa, or place themselves upon a lady's dress, and atten- 
tions of this kind are much out of place. Neither ought a 
mother, when paying a ceremonial visit, to be accompanied 
by young children. It is frequently difficult to amuse 
them, and, if not particularly well trained at home, they 
naturally seize hold of books, or those ornaments with 
which it is fashionable to decorate a drawing-room. The 
lady of the house trembles for the fate of a beautiful shell, 
or vase, or costly book. She does not like to express her 
uneasiness, and yet knows not how to refrain. Therefore 
leave the children at home ; or, if they accompany you in 
the carriage, let them remain till your visit is over. If you 
have an infant, the nurse may await your return, or be left 
in an ante-room, unless a decided request be made to the 
contrary. 



If during your short visit the conversation begins to fag, 
it will be best to retire. The lady of the house may have 
some engagement at a fixed hour, and by remaining even a 
few minutes longer, she may be put to serious incon- 
venience. Do not, however, seem to notice any silent hint, 
by rising hastily ; but take leave with quiet politeness, as 
if your time were fully expired. When other visitors are 
announced, retire as soon as possible, and yet without let- 
ting it appear that their arrival is the cause. Wait till the 
bustle of their entrance . is over, and then rise from your 



VISITING. 115 

O 

chair, take leave of the hostess, and bow politely to the 
guests. By so doing you will save the lady of the house 
from being obliged to entertain two sets of visitors. 

Should you call by chance at an inconvenient hour, when 
perhaps the lady is going out, or sittirig down to luncheon, 
retire as soon as possible, even if politely asked to remain. 
You need not let it appear that *you feel yourself an 
intruder ; every well-bred or even good-tempered person 
knows what to say on such an occasion ; but politely with- 
draw, with a promise to call again, if the lady seems to be 
really disappointed. 

If your acquaintance or friend is from home, leave a 
card,* whether you call in a carriage or not. If in the 
latter, the servant will answer your inquiry, and receive 
your card ; but on no account ask leave to go in and rest ; 
neither urge your wish if you fancy that the lady whom 
you desire to see is really at home, or even if you flatter 
yourself that she would make an exception in your favor. 
Some people think that the form of words, ' ' Not at home," 
is readily understood to mean that the master or mistress 
of the house have no wish to see even his or her most inti- 
mate friends. However this may be, take care that you do 
not attempt to effect an entranc 

Visits of courtesy or ceremony are uniformly paid at 
Christmas, or at the commencement of a new year, inde- 
pendently of family parties ; a good old custom, the 
observance of which is always pleasing, and which should 
be carefully attended to. It is uniformly right to call 
on patrons, or those' from whom kindness has been re- 
ceived. 



* When the caller is about to leave the city for a protracted absence, it is 
usual to put the letters P. P. C. in the left hand corner of the card; they are 
the initials of the French phrase, "pour prendre conge''— to take leave, 
and may with equal propriety stand for presents parting compliments 



116 . A VISITING. 

In visiting your intimate friends, ceremony may gener- 
ally be dispensed with. 

Keep a strict account of your ceremonial visits. This is 
needful, because time passes rapidly ; and take note how 
soon your calls are returned. You will thus be able, in 
most cases, to form an opinion whether or not your fre- 
quent visits are desired. Instances may however occur, 
when, in consequence of age or ill health, it is desirable 
that you should call, without any reference to your visits 
being returned. When desirous to act thus, remember 
that, if possible, nothing should interrupt the discharge of 
this duty. 

Among relations and intimate friends, visits of mere 
ceremony are unnecessary. It is, however, needful to 
call at suitable times, and to avoid staying too long if your 
friend is engaged. The courtesies of society, as already 
noticed, must ever be maintained, even in the domestic 
circle, or among the nearest friends. 

In leaving cards you must thus distribute them : one for 
the lady of the house and her daughters — the latter are 
sometimes represented by turning up the edge of the card 
— one for the master of the house, and if there be a grown 
up son or a near male relation staying in the house, one 
for him. But though cards are cheap, you must never 
leave more than three at a time at the same house. As 
married men have, or are supposed to have, too much to 
do to make ceremonial calls, it is the custom for a wife 
to take her husband's cards with her, and to leave one or 
two of them with her own. If, on your inquiring for the 
lady of the house, the servant replies, "Mrs. So-and-so is 
not at home, but Miss So-and-so is," you should leave a 
card, because young ladies do not receive calls from gen- 
tlemen unless they are very intimate with them, or 
have passed the rubicon of thirty summers. It must be 
remembered, too, that where there is a lady of the house, 



VISITING. 117 

your call is to her, not to her husband, except on busi- 
ness. 

Morning calls may be divided into three heads : Those 
paid at the time already specified ; weekly visits to inti- 
mate friends, or by young persons to those advanced in 
life ; and monthly visits, which are generally ceremonious. 

With respect to the first, be very careful that you do not 
acquire the character of a day goblin. A day goblin is one 
of those persons who, having plenty of leisure, and a great 
desire to hear themselves talk, make frequent inroads into 
their friends' houses. Though perhaps well acquainted 
with the rules of etiquette, they call at the most unseason- 
able hours. If the habits of the family are early, you will 
find them in the drawing-room at eleven o'clock. It may 
be they are agreeable and well-informed people ; but who 
wishes for calls at such a strange hour ! Most families 
have their rules and occupations. In one, the lady of the 
house attends to the education of her children ; in another, 
domestic affairs engross a portion of the morning ; some 
ladies are fond of gardening, others of music or painting. 
It is past endurance to have such pursuits broken in upon 
for the sake of a day goblin, who, having gained access, 
inflicts his or her presence till nearly luncheon time, and 
then goes off with saying, " Well, I have paid you a long 
visit ;" or, "I hope that I have not stayed too long." 

A well-bred person always receives visitors at whatever 
time they may call, or whoever they may be ; but if you 
are occupied and cannot afford to be interrupted by a mere 
ceremony, you should instruct the servant beforehand to 
say that you are " not at home. " This form has often been 
denounced as a falsehood, but a lie is no lie unless intend- 
ed to deceive ; and since the words are universally under- 
stood to mean that you are engaged, it can be no harm to 
give such an order to a servant. But, on the other hand, 



118 VISITING. 

if the servant once admits a visitor within the hall, you 
should receive him at any inconvenience to yourself. A 
lady should never keep a visitor waiting more than a min- 
ute, or two at the most, and if she cannot avoid doing so, 
must apologize on entering the drawing-room. 

In good society, a visitor, unless he is a complete stran- 
ger, does not wait to be invited to sit down, but takes 
a seat at once easily. A gentleman should never take the 
principal place in the room, nor, on the other hand, sit at 
an inconvenient distance from the lady of the house. He 
must hold his hat gracefully, not put it on a chair or 
table, or, if he wants to use both hands, must place 
it on the floor close to his chair. A well-bred lady, who is 
receiving two or three visitors at a time, pays equal atten- 
tion to all, and attempts, as much as possible, to general- 
ize the conversation, turning to all in succession. The 
last arrival, however, receives a little more attention at first 
than the others, and the latter, to spare her embarrasment, 
should leave as^ soon as convenient. People who out-sit 
two or three parties of visitors, unless they have some par- 
ticular motive for doing so, come under the denomination 
of "bores." A "bore" is a person who does not know 
when you have had enough of his or her company. 

Be cautious how you take an intimate friend uninvited 
even to the house of those with whom you may be equally 
intimate, as there is always a feeling of jealousy that anoth- 
er should share your thoughts and feelings to the same ex- 
tent as themselves, although good breeding will induce 
them to behave civilly to your friend on your account. 

Ladies in the present day are allowed considerable 
license in paying and receiving visits ; subject, however, to 
certain rules, which it is needful to define. 

Young married ladies may visit their acquaintances alone ; 
but they may not appear in any public places unattended 



VISITING., 119 

by their husbands or elder ladies. This rule must never 
be infringed, whether as regards exhibitions, or public 
libraries, museums, or promenades ; but a young married 
lady is at liberty to walk with her friends of the same age, 
whether married or single. Gentlemen are permitted to 
call on married ladies at their own houses. Such calls the 
usages of society permit, but never without the knowledge 
and full permission of husbands. 

Ladies may walk unattended in the streets, being careful 
to pass on as becomes their station- — neither with a hurried 
pace, nor yet affecting to move slowly. Shop-windows, 
in New York especially, afford great attractions ; but it is 
by no means desirable to be seen standing before them, 
and most assuredly not alone. Be careful never to look 
back, nor to observe too narrowly the dresses of such ladies 
as may pass you. Should any one venture to address you, 
take no heed, seem not to hear, but hasten your steps. Be 
careful to reach home in good time. Let nothing ever in- 
duce you to be out after dusk, or when the lamps are light- 
ed. Nothing but unavoidable necessity can sanction such 
acts of impropriety. 

Lastly, a lady never calls on a gentleman, unless pro- 
fessionally or officially. It is not only ill-bred, but posi- 
tively improper to do so. At the same time, there is a cer- 
tain privilege in age, which makes it possible for an old 
bachelor like myself to receive a visit from any married 
lady whom I know very intimately, but such a call would 
certainly not be one of ceremony, and always presupposes 
a desire to consult me on some point or other. I should 
be guilty of shameful treachery, however, if I told any one 
that I had received such a visit, while I should certainly 
expect that my fair caller would let her husband know of it. 

When morning visitors are announced, rise and advance 
toward them. If a lady enters, request her to be seated 
on a sofa ; but if advanced in life, or the visitor be an elder- 



120 VISITING. 

ly gentleman, insist on their accepting an easy chair, and 
place yourself, by them. If several ladies arrive at the 
same time, pay due respect to age and rank, and seat them 
in the most honorable places ; these, in winter, are beside 
the fire. 

Supposing that a young lady occupies such a seat, and a 
lady older than herself, or superior in condition, enters 
the room, she must rise immediately, and having courteous- 
ly offered her place to the new comer, take another in a dif- 
ferent part of the room. 

If a lady is engaged with her needle when a visitor arrives, 
she ought to discontinue her work, unless requested to do 
otherwise : and not even then must it be resumed, unless 
on very intimate terms with her acquaintance. When 
this, however, is the case, the hostess may herself request 
permission to do so. To continue working during a visit 
of ceremony would be extremely discourteous ; and we can- 
not avoid hinting to our lady readers, that even when a 
particular friend is present for only a short time, it is 
somewhat inconsistent with etiquette to keep their eyes 
fixed on a crochet or knitting-book, apparently engaged in 
counting stitches, or unfolding the intricacies of a pattern. 
We have seen this done, and are, therefore, careful to warn 
them on the subject. There are many kinds of light and 
elegant, and even useful work, which do not require close 
attention, and may be profitably pursued; and such we 
recommend to be always on the work-table at those hours 
which, according to established practice, are given to 
social intercourse. 

It is generally customary in the country to offer refresh- 
ment to morning visitors. If they come from a considera- 
ble distance, and are on intimate terms, hospitality requires 
that you should invite them to take luncheon. In town it 
is otherwise, and you are not expected to render any 



VISITING. 121 

courtesy of the kind, except to aged or feeble persons, or 
to some one who, perhaps, is in affliction, and to whom the 
utmost kindliness should be shown. 

"When your visitor is about to take leave, rise, and ac- 
company her to the door, mindful, at the same time, that 
the bell is rung, in order that a servant may be in attend- 
ance. If the master of the house is present, and a lady 
is just going away, he must offer her his arm, and lead her 
to the hail or passage door. If her carriage be in wait- 
ing, he will, of course, hand her into it. These attentions 
are slight, and some persons may think they are scarcely 
worth noticing. Nevertheless, they are important, and we 
are the more earnest to press them on the attention of our 
readers, because we have witnessed the omission of such 
acts of courtesy in families where a very different mode of 
conduct might be expected. 

And here, turning aside for a brief space from the sub- 
ject-matter of our discourse, we desire earnestly to impress 
upon mothers who have sons growing up, the great import- 
ance of early imbuing them with the principles of true po- 
liteness, and consequent attention to its most trifling obser- 
vances. What matters it if a tall lad pushes into a room 
before one of his mother's visitors ; or, if he chance to see 
her going into church, instead of holding the door in a 
gentlemanly manner, he lets it swing in her face when he 
has himself entered ; or whether he comes into the draw- 
ing-room with his hat on, unobservant of lady visitors, or 
lolls in an arm-chair reading the newspaper ? 

"What signifies it ?" some will say — "why tease a youth 
about such matters ? He will learn manners as he grow3 
up." "We think otherwise, and do not scruple to affirm, 
that he can never learn real gentlemanly politeness from 
any one but hi3 mother. The neglect of small courtesies 
in early life, and the outward or mental boorishness to 



122 VISITING, 

which it leads, has been, to our certain knowledge, a more 
fruitful source of wretchedness in many homes, than we 
haye either time or inclination to relate. 

In this changing worlds visits of condolence must be also 
occasionally paid ; and concerning such, a few necessary 
rules may be briefly stated. 

Visits of condolence should be paid within a week after 
the event which occasions them ; but if the acquaintance 
be slight, immediately after the family a}Dpear at public 
worship. A card should be sent up ; and if your friends 
are able to receive you, let your manners and conversation 
be in harmony with the character of your visit. It is cour- 
teous to send up a mourning card ; and for ladies 
to make their calls in black silk or plain-colo^d apparel. 
It denotes that they sympathize with the afflictions of the 
family ; and such attentions are always pleasing. 

Gentlemen will do well to bear in mind that, when they 
pay morning calls, they must carry their hats with them 
into the drawing-room ; but on no account put them on 
the chairs or table. There is a graceful manner of holding 
a hat, which every well-bred man understands. 

When calling upon a friend who is boarding, do not go 
up till the servant returns with an invitation ; and never 
enter a room without previously knocking at the door, and 
receiving an invitation to come in. Such observances are 
indispensable, even between the nearest friends. 

A gentleman when calling upon a lady, and finding that 
one of her lady friends is with her, must rise when the 
visitor takes her leave, and accompany her to the hall door ; 
or if she has a carriage, he should hand her into it — sup- 
posing, however, that no gentleman related to the mistress 
of the house be present. If your visit has been of sufficient 



VISITING. 125 

length, you can take your leave when accompanying the 
lady out of the room. 

It happens occasionally that two persons are visiting 
different members of the same family. When this occurs, 
and one visitor takes leave, the lady or gentleman whose 
visitor has just left should remain in the drawing-room. 
It is considered discourteous to do otherwise. # 

In most families in this country, evening calls are the 
most usual. Should you chance to visit a family, and find 
that they have a party, present yourself, and converse for a 
few minutes with an unembarrassed air ; after which you 
may retire, unless urged to remain. A slight invitation, 
given for the sake of courtesy, ought not to be accepted. 
Make no apology for your unintentional intrusion ; but let 
it be known, in the course of a few days, that you were not 
aware that your friends had company. 

An excellent custom prevails in some families of inviting 
their guests for a given period. Thus, for example, an 
invitation is sent, stating that a friend's company is 
requested on a certain day, mentioning also for what length 
of time, and if a carriage cannot be offered to meet the 
visitor, stating expressly the best mode of coming and 
going. We recommend this admirable plan to the master 
and mistress of every dwelling which is sufficiently capa- 
cious to admit of receiving an occasional guest. A young 
lady is perhaps invited to spend a little time in the coun- 
try, but she cannot possibly understand whether the 
invitation extends to a few days, or a week, or a month, 
and consequently is much puzzled with regard to the 
arrangement of her wardrobe. Domestic consultations are 
held ; the letter is read over and over again ; every one 
gives a different opinion, and when the visit is entered 
upon, somewhat of its pleasure is marred through the -em- 
barrassment occasioned by not knowing when to propose 
taking leave. 



124 VISITING. 

In receiving guests, your first object should be to make 
them feel at home. Begging them to make themselves at 
home is not sufficient. You should display a genuine un- 
affected friendliness. Whether you are mistress of a 
mansion or a cottage, and invite a friend to share your 
hospitality, you must endeavor, by every possible means, 
to render the visit agreeable. This should be done with- 
out apparent effort, that the visitor may feel herself to be a 
partaker in your home enjoyments, instead of finding that 
you put yourself out of the way to procure extraneous 
pleasures. It is right and proper that you seek to make 
the time pass lightly ; but if, on the other hand, you let a 
visitor perceive that the whole tenor of your daily concerns 
is altered on her account, a degree of depression will be 
felt, and the pleasant anticipations which she most prob- 
ably entertained will fail to be realized. Let your friend 
be assured*, from your manner, that her presence is a real 
enjoyment to you— an incentive to recreations which other- 
wise would not be thought of in the common routine of 
life. Observe your own feelings when you happen to be 
the guest of a person who, though he may be very much 
your friend, and really glad to see you, seems not to know 
what to do either with you or himself ; and again, when in 
the house of another you feel as much at ease as in your 
own. Mark the difference, more easily felt than described, 
between the manners of the two, and deduce therefrom a 
lesson for your own improvement. 

If you have guests in your house, you are to appear to 
feel that they are all equal for the time, for they all have 
an equal claim upon your courtesies. Those of the hum- 
blest condition will receive full as much attention as the 
rest, in order that you shall not painfully make them feel 
their inferiority. 

Always avoid the foolish practice of deprecating your 
own rooms, furniture, or viands, and expressing regrets 



VISITING. 125 

that you have nothing better to offer. Neither should you 
go to the other extreme of extolling any particular thing 
or article of food. The best way is to say nothing about 
these matters. Neither is it proper to urge guests to eat, 
or to load their plates against their inclinations. 

Endeavor to retain your friends as long as they like to 
prolong their visit. When they intimate an intention to 
leave you, if you really desire their continuance somewhat 
longer, frankly say so. Should they, however, have fixed 
the time, and cannot prolong their stay, facilitate their 
going by every means in your power ; and, while you kind- 
ly invite them to renew their visit, point out to them any 
places of interest on the road, and furnish such informa- 
tion as you possess. 

If invited to spend a few days at a friend's house, conform 
as much as possible to the habits of the family. "When 
parting for the night, inquire respecting the breakfast hour, 
and ascertain at what time the family meet for prayers. 
If this right custom prevails, be sure to be in time ; and 
obtain any necessary information from the servant who 
waits upon you. Give as little trouble as possible ; and 
never think of apologizing for the extra trouble which your 
visit occasions. Such an apology implies that your friend 
cannot conveniently entertain you. Your own good sense 
and delicacy will teach you the desirability of keeping 
your room tidy, and your articles of dress and toilet as 
much in order as possible. If there is a deficiency of ser- 
vants, a lady will certainly not hesitate to make her own 
bed and to do for herself as much as possible, and for the 
family all that is in her power. 

We presume that few people will leave a friend's house 
without some expression of regret, and some acknowledg- 
ment proffered for the pleasure that has been afforded them 
Instances to the contrary have come within our knowledge, 



12G- 



VISITING. 



and therefore we remind our youthful readers especially, 
that this small act of politeness is indispensable, not in the 
form of a set speech, but by a natural flowing forth of 
right feeling. It is also proper, on returning home, to in- 
form your friends of your safe arrival ; the sense which 
you entertain of their hospitality, and the gratification 
derived from your visit, may be also gracefully alluded to. 

The chain which binds society together is formed of 
innumerable links. Let it be your part to keep those links 
uniformly bright ; and to see that neither dust nor rust 
accumulate upon them. 



STREET ETIQUETTE 



The books of etiquette tell you, that if yon have been 
introduced to a lady and you afterward meet her in the 
street, you must not bow to her unless she bow first, in 
order, as the books say, that she may have an opportunity 
to cut you if she does not wish to continue the acquaint- 
ance. This is the English fashion. But on the continent 
of Europe the rule is reversed, and no lady, however inti- 
mate you may be with her, will acknowledge you in the 
street unless you first honor her with a bow of recognition. 
Bat the American fashion is not like either of them. For 
here the really well-bred man always politely and respect- 
fully bows to every lady he knows, and, if she is a w T ell- 
bred woman, she acknowledges the respect paid her. If 
she expects no further acquaintance, her bow is a mere 
formal, but always respectful, recognition of the good man- 
ners which have been shown her, and no gentleman ever 
takes advantage of such politeness to push a further 
acquaintance uninvited. But why should a lady and gen- 
tleman, who know who each other are, scornfully and 
doggedly pass each other in the streets as though they 
were enemies ? There is no good reason for such impolite- 
ness, in the practice of politeness. As compared with the 
English, the French or continental fashion is certainly 
more consonant with the rules of good breeding. But the 
American rule is better than either, for it is based upon 
the acknowledged general principle, that it is every gentle- 



128 STREET ETIQUETTE. 

man's and lady's duty to be polite in all places. Unless 
parties have done something to forfeit the respect dictated 
by the common rules of politeness, there should be no 
deviation from this practice. It is a ridiculous idea that 
we are to practice ill-manners in the name of etiquette. 

While walking the street no one should be so absent- 
minded as to neglect to recognize his friends. If you do 
not stop, you should always bow, touch your hat, or bid 
your friend good day. If you stop, you can offer your 
hand without removing your glove. If you stop to talk, 
retire on one side of the walk. If your friend has a stran- 
ger with him and you have anything to say, you should 
apologize to the stranger. Never leave your friend ab- 
ruptly to see another person without asking him to excuse 
your departure. If you meet a gentleman of your acquaint- 
ance walking with a lady whom you do not know, lift your 
hat as you salute them. If you know the lady, you should 
salute her first. 

Never nod to a lady in the street, neither be satisfied 
with touching your hat, but take it off — it is a courtesy her 
sex demands. 

A gentleman should never omit a punctilious observance 
of the rules of politeness to his recognized acquaintances, 
from an apprehension that he will not be met with recipro- 
cal marks of respect. For instance, he should not refuse 
to raise his hat to an acquaintance who is accompanied by 
a lady, lest her escort should, from ignorance or stolid- 
ity, return his polite salutation with a nod of the head. 
It is better not to see him, than to set the example of a 
rude and indecorous salutation. In all such cases, and in 
all cases, he who is most courteous has the advantage, and 
should never feel that he has made a humiliating sacrifice 
of his personal dignity. It is for the party whose be- 
havior has been boorish to have a consciousness of inferi- 
ority. 



STREET ETIQUETTE. 129 

A gentleman meeting a lady acquaintance on the street, 
should not presume to join her in her walk without ascer- 
taining that his company would be entirely agreeable. It 
might be otherwise, and she should frankly say so. A 
married lady usually leans upon the arm of her husband ; 
but single ladies do not, in the day, take the arm of a 
gentleman, unless they are willing to acknowledge an en- 
gagement. Gentlemen always give place to ladies, and 
gentlemen accompanying ladies, in crossing the street. 

If you have anything to say to a lady whom you may 
happen to meet in the street, however intimate you may 
be, do not stop her, but turn round and walk in company ; 
you can take leave at the end of the street. 

When you are passing in the street, and see coming to- 
ward you a person of your acquaintance, whether a lady 
or an elderly person, you should offer them the wall, that 
is to say, the side next the houses. If a carriage should 
happen to stop in such a manner as to leave only a narrow 
passage between it and the houses, beware of elbowing and 
rudely crowding the passengers, with a view to get by more 
expeditiously ; wait your turn, Tbnd if any of the per- 
sons before mentioned come up, you should edge up to 
the wall, in order to give them the place. They also, as 
they pass, should bow politely to you. 

If stormy weather has made it necessary to lay a plank 
across the gutters, which has become suddenly filled with 
water, it is not proper to crowd before another, in order to 
pass over the frail bridge. 

In walking with a lady, it is customary to give her the 
right arm ; but where circumstances render it more con- 
venient to give her the left, it may properly be done. If 
you are walking with a lady on a crowded street, like 
Broadway, by all means give her the outside, as that will 
9 ' 



130 STREET ETIQUETTE. 

prevent her from being perpetually jostled and run against 
by the hurrying crowd. 

You should offer your arm to a lady with whom you are 
walking whenever her safety, comfort, or convenience may 
seem to require such attention on your part. At night 
your arm should always be tendered, and also when ascend- 
ing the steps of a public building. In walking with any 
person you should keep step with military precision, and 
with ladies and elderly people you should always accommo- 
date your speed to theirs. 

If a lady with whom you are walking receives the salute 
of a person who is a stranger to you, you should return it, 
not for yourself, but for her. 

When a lady whom you accompany wishes to enter a 
store, you should hold the door open and allow her to enter 
first, if practicable ; for you must never pass before a lady 
anywhere, if you can avoid it, or without an apology. 

In England, it is a mark of low breeding to smoke in the 
streets. But in America the rule does not hold to quite 
that extent ; though, even here, it is not often that you 
catch "a gentleman of the strictest sect," in the street 
with a cigar or pipe in his mouth. For a man to go into 
the street with a lady on his arm and a cigar in his mouth 
is a shocking sight, which no gentleman will ever be guilty 
of exhibiting ; for he inevitably subjects the woman to the 
very worst of suspicions. 

Avoid the disgusting habit of spitting. 

No gentleman will stand in the doors of hotels, nor on 
the corners of the streets, gazing impertinently at the 
ladies as they pass. That is such an unmistakable sign of 
a loafer, that one can hardly imagine a well-bred man do- 
ing such a thing. 



STREET ETIQUETTE. 131 

Never offer to shake hands with a lady in the street if 
you have on dark gloves, as yon may soil her white ones. 
If you meet a lady friend with whom you wish to converse, 
you must not stop, but turn and walk along with her ; and 
should she be walking with a gentleman, first assure your- 
self that you are not intruding before you attempt to join 
the two in their walk. 

After twilight, a young lady would not be conducting 
herself in a becoming manner, by walking alone ; and if 
she passes the evening with any one, she ought, before- 
hand, to provide some one to come for her at a stated hour ; 
but if this is not practicable, she should politely ask of 
the person whom she is visiting, to permit a servant to 
accompany her. But, however much this may be con- 
sidered proper, and consequently an obligation, a married 
lady, well educated, will disregard it if circumstances pre- 
vent her being able, without trouble, to find a conductor. 

If the host wishes to accompany you himself, you must 
excuse yourself politely for giving him so much trouble, 
but finish, however, by accepting. On arriving at your 
house, you should offer him your thanks. In order to 
avoid these two inconveniences, it will be well to request 
your husband, or some one of your relatives, to come and 
wait upon you ; you will, in this way, avoid all inconven- 
iences, and be entirely free from that harsh criticism which 
is sometimes indulged in, especially in small towns, con- 
cerning even the most innocent acts. 

If, when on your way to fulfill an engagement, a friend 
stops you in the street, you may, without committing any 
breach of etiquette, tell him of your appointment, and 
release yourself from a long talk, but do so in a courteous 
manner, expressing regret for the necessity. 

In inquiring for goods at a shop or store, do not say, I 
want so and so, but say to the shopman — Show me such or 



132 STREET ETIQUETTE, 

such an article, if you please — or use some other polite 
form of address. If you are obliged to examine a number 
of articles before you are suited, apologize to the shop- 
keeper for the trouble you give him. If, after all, you 
cannot suit yourself, renew your apologies when you go 
away. If you make only small purchases, say to him — I 
am sorry for having troubled you for so trifling a thing. 

You need not stop to pull off your glove to shake hands 
with a lady or gentleman. If it is warm weather it is more 
agreeable to both parties that the glove should be on — es- 
pecially if it is a lady with whom you shake hands, as the 
perspiration of your bare hand would be very likely to soil 
her glove. 

If a lady addresses an inquiry to a gentleman on the 
street, he will lift his hat, or at least touch it respectfully, 
as he replies. If he cannot give the information required, 
he will express his regrets. 

When tripping over the pavement, a lady should grace- 
fully raise her dress a little above her ankle. With her 
right hand she should hold together the folds of her gown 
and draw them toward the right side. To raise the dress 
on both sides, and with both hands, is vulgar. This un- 
graceful practice can be tolerated only for a moment when 
the mud is very deep. 

Most American ladies in our cities wear too rich and 
expensive dresses in the street. Some, indeed, will sweep 
the side-walks with costly stuffs only fit for a drawing-room 
or a carriage. This is in bad taste, and is what ill-natured 
people would term snobbish. 



TRAVELING 



As a general rule, travelers are selfish. They pay little 
attention either to the comforts or distresses of their fellow- 
travelers ; and the commonest observances of politeness 
are often sadly neglected by them. In the scramble for 
tickets, for seats, for state-rooms, or for places at a public 
table, the courtesies of life seem to be trampled under foot. 
Even the ladies are sometimes rudely treated and shame- 
fully neglected in the headlong rush for desirable seats in 
the railway cars. To see the behavior of American people 
on their travels, one would suppose that we were anything 
but a refined nation ; and I have often wondered whether 
a majority of our travelers could really make a decent 
appearance in social society. 

When you are traveling, it is no excuse that because 
others outrage decency and propriety you should follow 
their example, and fight them with their own weapons. A 
rush and scramble at the railway ticket ofiice is always un- 
necessary. The cars will not leave until every passenger is 
aboard, and if you have ladies with you, you can easily 
secure your seats and afterward procure the tickets at leis- 
ure. But suppose you do lose a favorite seat by your 
moderation ! Is it not better to suffer a little inconveni- 
ence than to show yourself decidedly vulgar ? Go to the 
cars half an hour before they start, and you will avoid all 
trouble of this kind. 

When seated, or about to seat yourself in the cars, never 
allow considerations of personal comfort or convenience 



134 TRA VELING. 

to cause you to disregard the rights of fellow-travelers, or 
forget the respectful courtesy due to woman. The pleas- 
antest or most comfortable seats belong to the ladies, and 
you should never refuse to resign such seats to them with 
a cheerful politeness. Sometimes a gentleman will go 
through a car and choose his seat, and afterward vacate it 
to procure his ticket, leaving his overcoat or carpet bag to 
show that the seat is taken. Always respect this token, 
and never seize upon a seat thus secured, without leave, 
even though you may want it for a lady. It is not always 
necessary for a gentleman to rise after he has seated him- 
self and offer his seat to a lady, particularly if the lady is 
accompanied by another gentleman ; for there may still be 
eligible vacant seats in the cars. But should you see a 
lady come alone, and if the seats in the car all appear to 
be filled, do not hesitato to offer her yours, if you have no 
ladies in your company. And should a lady motion to seat 
herself beside you, rise at once and offer her the choice 
of the two seats. These are but common courtesies that 
every well-bred man will at all times cheerfully offer to the 
other sex. 

Making acquaintances in the cars, although correct 
enough, is a measure of which travelers generally appear 
to be very shy. There is no reason for this, as acquaint- 
ances thus picked up need never be recognized again 
unless you please. If a stranger speaks to you, always 
answer him politely, and if his conversation proves disa- 
greeable, you have no alternative but to change your seat. 

In steamers do not make a rush for the supper table, or 
make a glutton of yourself when you get there. Never fail 
to offer your seat on deck to a lady, if the seats all appear 
to be occupied, and always meet half way any fellow-pas- 
senger who wishes to enter into conversation with yon. 
Some travelers are so exclusive that they consider it a 
presumption on the part of a stranger to address them; 






TRA VELING. 135 

but such people are generally foolish, and of no account. 
Sociable intercourse while traveling is one of its main 
attractions. Who would care about sitting and moping for 
a dozen of hours on board a steamer without exchanging a 
w^ord with anybody ? and this must be the fate of the ex- 
clusives when they travel alone. Even ladies, who run 
greater risks in forming steamboat acquaintances than the 
men, are allowed the greatest privileges in that respect. It 
might not be exactly correct for a lady to make a speaking 
acquaintance of a gentleman ; but she may address or 
question him for the time being without impropriety. 

Eellow-passengers, whether on a steamboat or in the 
cars, should at all times be sociable and obliging to one 
another. Those who are the reverse of this may be set 
down either as selfish, foolish, or conceited. 

In the cars you have no right to keep a window open for 
your accommodation, if the current of air thus produced 
annoys on endangers the health of another. There are a 
sufficient number of discomforts in traveling, at best, and 
it should be the aim of each passenger to lessen them as 
much as possible, and to cheerfully bear his own part. 
Life is a journey, and we are all fellow-travelers. 

If in riding in an omnibus, or crossing a ferry with a 
friend, he wishes to pay for you, never insist upon paying 
for yourself or for both. If he is before you, let the mat- 
ter pass without remark. 



MARRIAGE 



In speaking of marriage, it is not merely with reference 
to its social importance, but as regards certain observances, 
concerning which no work on Etiquette has yet given any 

explicit rules. 

First, then, with respect to the preliminary subject of 
courtship. That unseen monitor, who has already sug- 
gested many points for consideration to lady readers, would 
now say to them : Before you admit the attentions of a 
gentleman who wishes to pay you his addresses, very care- 
fully examine your respective tastes and dispositions ; and 
settle in your own mind what are the most important 
requisites of happiness in a married state. With this view, 
you must enter upon the consideration of the subject with 
a calm and decisive spirit, which will enable you to see 
where your true happiness lies, and to pursue it with deter- 
mined resolution. In matters of business, follow the 
advice of such as are able to guide you ; and as regards the 
subject of marriage, turn not away from the counsel of 
those who are appointed to watch over and direct you. 

If a gentleman gives you reason to believe that he wishes 
to engage your affections, seek the advice of your parents, 
that they may gain for you every necessary particular with 
regard to his morals and disposition, and means of suitably 
providing for you. If, unhappily, death has deprived you 
of parents, ask counsel of some one who will care for you ? 
and on whose friendship you can rely. Bemember that 
you have little knowledge of the world, and that your 



MARRIAGE, 137 

judgment has not arrived at full maturity. But however 
circumstanced, avoid, as you would the plague, any atten- 
tions from a gentleman whose moral character renders him 
undeserving your regard. 

Let neither rank nor fortune, nor the finest order of 
intellect, nor yet the most winning manners, induce you to 
accept the addresses of an irreligious man, You dare not 
ask the blessing of your Heavenly Father upon such 
addresses ; and without His blessing, what happiness can 
you expect? Men often say, "that whatever their own 
opinions may be, they will marry religious women." This 
may be ; but woe to a religious woman, if she allows her- 
self to be thus beguiled ! Supposing your admirer be a 
sensible man, he will like religion in you for his own sake ; 
if, on the contrary, such is not the case, and you become 
his wife, he will often, though perhaps without intention, 
distress you by his remarks ; and in either case, if you have 
children, you will suffer much in seeing that your endeav- 
ors to form their minds to virtue and piety, and to secure 
their present and eternal happiness, are regarded with 
indifference, or at least that you are not assisted in your 
efforts. 

Eemember, also, that no happiness can be expected in 
the marriage state, unless the husband be worthy of respect. 
Do not marry a weak man ; he is often intractable or 
capricious, and seldom listens to the voice of reason ; and 
most painful mast it be to any sensible woman to have to 
blush for her husband, and feel uneasy every time he opens 
his lips. Still worse, if it should please God to give her 
children, if she cannot point to the example of their father 
as leading to what is excellent and of good report ; nor yet 
to his precepts and instructions as their rule of conduct. 
One thing is certain, that a weak man uniformly shows his 
consequence by contradicting his wife, because he will not 
have it supposed that he is under her influence. 



13S MARRIAGE, 

Advances, or offers of marriage, are made in a thousand 
different ways ; but, however tendered, receive them cour- 
teously, and with dignity. If a letter comes to you, answer 
it as becomes a gentlewoman — your own heart will dictate 
what you ought to say. Questions have arisen with regard 
to the wording of such letters, but no certain rule can be 
laid down ; whether it be answered in the first or third 
person, must depend upon the degree of acquaintance 
which has previously existed. No young lady would cer- 
tainly head her letter with — "Dear Sir," to a suitor whom 
she scarcely knows, or to one whom she intends refusing. 
She ought, however, on no account, either to receive or 
answer letters of the kind without showing them to her 
mother; or, if unfortunately without parents, she will do 
well to consult some judicious female friend. 

Never trifle with the affections of a man who loves you ; 
nor admit of marked attentions from one whose affection 
you cannot return. Some young ladies pride themselves 
upon the conquests which they make, and would not scru- 
ple to sacrifice the happiness of an estimable person to 
their reprehensible vanity. Let this be far from you. If 
you see clearly that you have become an object of especial 
regard to a gentleman, and do not wish to encourage his 
addresses, treat him honorably and humanely, as you hope 
to be used with generosity by the person who may engage 
your own heart. Do not let him linger in suspense, but 
take the earliest opportunity of carefully making known 
your feelings on the subject. This may be done in a vari- 
ety of ways. A refined ease of manner will satisfy him, if 
lie has any discernment, that his addresses will not be 
acceptable. Should your natural disposition render this 
difficult, show that, you wish to avoid his company, and he 
will presently withdraw ; but if even this is difficult — and 
who can lay down rules for another ? — allow an opportunity 
for explanation to occur. You can then give him a polits 



MARRIAGE. 139 

and decisive answer ; and be assured that, in whatever 
manner you convey your sentiments to him, if he "be a man 
of delicacy and right feeling, he will trouble you no fur- 
ther. Let it never be said of you, that you permit the 
attentions of an honorable man when you have no heart to 
give him ; or that you have trifled with the affections of 
one whom you perhaps esteem, although you resolve never 
to marry him. It may be that his preference gratifies, and 
his conversation interests you ; that you are nattered by 
the attentions of a man whom some of your companions 
admire ; and that, in truth, you hardly know your own 
mind on the subject. This will not excuse you. Every 
young woman ought to know the state of her own heart ; 
and yet the happiness and future prospects of many an 
excellent man have been sacrificed by such unprincipled 

conduct. 

I 

Kemember that if a gentleman makes you an offer, you 
have no right to speak of it. If you possess either gener- 
osity or gratitude for offered affection, you will not betray 
a secret which does not belong to you. It is sufficiently 
painful to be refused, without incurring the additional 
mortification of being pointed out as a rejected lover. 

If, on the contrary, you en courage the addresses of a 
deserving man, behave honorably and sensibly. Do not 
lead him about as if in triumph, nor take advantage of the 
ascendency which you have gained by playing with his 
feelings. Do not seek for occasions to tease him, that you 
may try his temper ; neither affect indifference, nor pro- 
voke lovers' quarrels, for the foolish pleasure of reconcilia- 
tion. On your conduct during courtship will very much 
depend the estimation in which you will be held by your 
husband in after life. 

Assuming that the important day is -Qxed, and that the 
bidden guests have accepted the invitations, a few obser- 



140 MARRIAGE. 

vations may be useful, especially to those who live retired 
in the country. 

The bride uniformly goes to church in the same carriage 
■with her parents, or with those who stand in their place ; 
as, for instance, if the father is deceased, an elder brother 
or uncle, or even guardian, accompanies her mother and 
herself. If, unhappily, she is an orphan, and has no rela- 
tions, a middle-aged lady and gentleman, friends of her 
parents, should be requested to take their place. A brides- 
maid will also occupy a seat in the same carriage. 

The bridegroom finds his way to church in. a separate 
carriage with his friends, and he will show his gallantry by 
handing the bride from her carriage, and paying every 
attention to those who accompany her. Any omission in 
this respect cannot be too carefully avoided. 

When arrived at the altar, the father of the bride, or, 
in default of such relation, the nearest connexion, or some 
old friend, gives away the bride. The bridesmaids stand 
near the bride ; and either her sister, or some favorite 
friend, will hold the gloves or handkerchief, as may be 
required, when she ungloves her hand for the wedding- 
ring. When the ceremony is completed, and the names of 
the bride and bridegroom are signed in the vestry, they 
first leave the church together, occupying by themselves 
the carriage that waits to convey them to the house of the 
bride's father and mother, or that of the guardian, or 
friend, by whom the bridal breakfast is provided. 

The wedding-cake uniformly occupies the center of the 
table. It is often tastefully surrounded with flowers, 
among which those of the fragrant orange ought to be con- 
spicuous. After being cut according to the usages observed 
on such occasions, the oldest friend of the family proposes 
the lady's health ; that of the bridegroom is generally 
proposed by some friend of his own, if present ; but if this 



MARRIAGE. 141 

is not the case, by his father-in-law, or any of his new 
relatives, who will deem it incumbent upon them to say 
something gratifying to him while proposing his health, 
which courtesy he must acknowledge as Lest he can. After 
this the bride withdraws, in order to prepare for leaving 
the parental roof, by taking off her wedding, and putting 
on her traveling dress ; although it happens not un fre- 
quently that the bride remains in another apartment, and 
thus avoids the fatigue and embarrassment of appearing at 
the breakfast-table. When this occurs, her place beside 
the bridegroom must be occupied by a near relation or 
friend. But whether present, or remaining apart with a 
few friends, all who are invited to do honor to the bride 
must appear in full dress. Bracelets may be worn on one 
or both wrists. Black of any kind is wholly inadmissible ; 
not even black satin can be allowed ; and widows must 
attire themselves either in quiet colored suits, or else in 
silver gray. 

• 
On such festive occasions, all appear in their best attire, 

and assume their best manners. Peculiarities that pertain 
to past days, or have been unwarily adopted, should be 
guarderl against ; mysteries concerning knives, forks, and 
plates, or throwing " an old shoe " after the bride, are 
highly reprehensible, and have long been exploded. Such 
practices may seem immaterial, but they are not so. 
Stranger guests often meet at a wedding breakfast ; and 
the good breeding of the family may be somewhat com- 
promised by neglect in small things. 

If the lady appears at breakfast, which is certainly de- 
sirable, she occupies, with her husband, the center of the 
table, and sits by his side — her father and mother tak- 
ing the top and bottom, and showing all honor to their 
guests. When the cake has been cut, and every one is 
helped — when, too, the health of the bride and bridegroom 



142 MARRIAGE. 

has been drank, and every compliment and kind wish has 
been duly proffered and acknowledged — the bride, attended 
by her friends, withdraws ; and when ready for her depar- 
ture the newly-married couple start off on their wedding 
journey, generally about two or three o'clock, and the rest 
of the company shortly afterward take their leave. 

In some circles it is customary to send cards almost 
immediately to friends and relations, mentioning at what 
time and hour the newly-married couple expect to be called 
upon. Some little inconvenience occasionally attends this 
custom, as young people may wish to extend their wedding 
tour beyond the time first mentioned, or, if they go abroad, 
delays may unavoidably occur. It is therefore better to 
postpone sending cards, for a short time at least. 

Fashions change continually with regard to wedding- 
cards. A few years since they were highly ornamented, 
and fantastically tied together ; now silver-edged cards are 
fashionable ; but, unquestionably, the plainer and more 
unostentatious a wedding-card, the more lady-like and 
becoming it will be. 

No one to whom a wedding-card has not been sen*ought 
to call upon a newly -married couple. 

When the days named for seeing company arrive, re- 
member to be punctual. Call, if possible, the first day, 
but neither before nor after the appointed hour. Wedding- 
cake and wine are handed round, of which every one 
partakes, and each expresses some kindly wish for the 
happiness of the newly-married couple. 

Taking possession of their home by young people is 
always a joyous period. The depressing influence of a 
wedding breakfast, where often the hearts of many are 
sad, is not felt, and every one looks forward to years of 
prosperity and happiness. 



MARRIAGE. 143 

If the gentleman is in a profession, and it happens that 
he cannot await the arrival of such as call, according to 
invitation on the wedding-card, an apology must be made, 
and, if possible, an old friend of the family should repre- 
sent him. A bride must on no account receive her visitors 
without a mother, or sister, or some friend being present, 
not even if her husband is at home. This is imperative. 
To do otherwise is to disregard the usuages of society. 
"We remember once calling on a very young bride, and 
found her alone. Conjectures were made by every visitor 
with regard to such a strange occurrence, and their sur- 
prise was still more increased, when it became known that 
the young lady returned her calls equally unattended. 

Wedding visits must be returned during the course of a 
few days, and parties are generally made for the newiy- 
married couple, which they are expected to return. This 
does not, however, necessarily entail much visiting ; 
neither is it expected from young people, whose resources 
may be somewhat limited, or when the husband has to 
make his way in the world. 



DOMESTIC ETIQUETTE AND DUTIES. 



"The little community to which I gave laws," said the 
Vicar of Wakefield, " was regulated in the following man- 
ner : — We all assembled early, and after we had saluted 
each other with proper ceremony, (for I always thought fit 
to keep up some mechanical forms of good breeding, with- 
out which, freedom ever destroys friendship,) we all knelt 
in gratitude to that Being who gave us another day. So 
also when we parted for the night.*' 

We earnestly recommend that the precepts and example 
of the good old Vicar should be followed and adopted by 
every newly-married couple. With regard to the first, the 
courtesies of society should never be omitted, in even the 
most trivial matters ; and, as respects the second, what 
blessing can be reasonably expected to descend upon a 
house wherein the voice of thanksgiving is never heard, 
nor yet protection sought by its acknowledged head ! 

On the wife especially devolves the privilege and pleasure 
of rendering home happy. We shall, therefore, speak of 
such duties and observances as pertain to her. 

When a young wife first settles in her home, many 
excellent persons, with more zeal, it may be, than discre- 
tion, immediately propose that she should devote some of 
her leisure time to charitable purposes : such, for instance, 
as clothing societies for the poor, or schools, or district 
visiting. We say with all earnestness to our young friend, 
engage in nothing of the kind, however laudable, without 



DOMESTIC ETIQUETTE AND DUTIES. 145 

previously consulting your husband, and obtaining his full 
concurrence. Carefully avoid, also, being induced by any 
specious arguments to attend evening lectures, unless he 
accompanies you. Bemember that your Heavenly Father, 
who has given you a home to dwell in, requires from you a 
right performance of its duties. Win your husband, by all 
gentle appliances, to love religion ; but do not, for the sake 
even of a privilege and a blessing, leave him to spend his 
evenings alone. Look often on your marriage ring, and 
remember the sacred vows taken by you when the ring was 
given ; such thoughts will go far toward allaying many of 
these petty vexations which circumstances call forth. 

Never let your husband have cause to complain that you 
are more agreeable abroad than at home ; nor permit him 
to see in you an object of admiration, as respects your dress 
and manners, w r hen in company, while you are negligent 
of both in the domestic circle. Many an unhappy mar- 
riage has been occasioned by neglect in these particulars. 
Nothing can be more senseless than the conduct of a 
young woman, who seeks to be admired in general society 
for her politeness and engaging manners, or skill in music, 
■when, at the same time, she makes no effort to render her 
home attractive ; and yet that home, w T hether a palace or a 
cottage, is the very center of her being — the nucleus around 
which her affections should revolve, and beyond which she 
has comparatively small concern. 

Beware of intrusting any individual whatever with small 
annoyances, or misunderstandings, between your husband 
and yourself, if they unhappily occur. Confidants are dan- 
gerous persons, and many seek to obtain an ascendency 
in families by gaining the good opinion of young married 
women. Be on your guard, and reject every overture that 
may lead to undesirable intimacy. Should any one pre- 
sume to offer you advice with regard to your husband, or 
seek to lessen him by insinuations, shun that person as you 
10 



146 DOMESTIC ETIQUETTE AND DUTIES. 

would a serpent. Many a happy home has been rendered 
desolate by exciting coolness or suspicion, or by endeavors 
to gain importance in an artful and insidious manner. 

In all money matters, act openly and honorably. Keep 
your accounts with the most scrupulous exactness, and let 
your husband see that you take an honest pride in rightly 
appropriating the money which he intrusts to you. "My 
husband works hard for every dollar that he earns," said a 
young married lady, the wife of a professional man, to a 
friend who found her busily employed in sewing buttons 
on her husband's coat, "and it seems to me worse than 
cruel to layout a dime unnecessarily." Be very careful, 
also, that you do not spend more than can be afforded in 
dress ; and be satisfied with such carpets and curtains in 
your drawing-room as befit a moderate fortune, or profes- 
sional income. Natural ornaments, and flowers tastefully 
arranged, give an air of elegance to a room in which the 
furniture is far from costly ; and books judicioulsy placed, 
uniformly produce a good effect. A sensible woman will 
always seek to ornament her home, and to render it attrac- 
tive, more especially as this is the taste of the present day. 
The power of association is very great ; light, and air, and 
elegance, are important in their effects. No wife acts 
wisely who permits her sitting-room to look dull in the 
eyes of him whom she ought especially to please, and with 
whom she has to pass her days. 

In middle life, instances frequently occur of concealment 
with regard to money concerns ; thus, for instance, a wife 
wishes to possess an article of dress which is too costly for 
immediate purchase, or a piece of furniture liable to the 
same objection. She accordingly makes an agreement with 
a seller, and there are many who call regularly at houses 
when the husband is absent on business, and who receive 
whatever the mistress of the house can spare from her ex- 
penses. A book is kept by the seller, in which payments 



DOMESTIC ETIQUETTE AND DUTIES. 147 

are entered ; but a duplicate is never retained by the wife, 
and therefore she has no check whatever. We have known 
an article of dress paid for in this manner, far above its 
value, and have heard a poor young woman, who has been 
thus duped, say to a lady, who remonstrated with her : 
"Alas ! what can I do ? I dare not tell my husband." It 
may be that the same system, though differing according 
to circumstaDces, is pursued in a superior class of life. 
We have reason to think that it is so, and therefore affec- 
tionately warn our younger sisters to beware of making 
purchases that require concealment. Be content with such 
things as you can honorably afford, and such as your hus- 
bands approve. You can then wear them with every feel- 
ing of self-satisfaction. 

Before dismissing this part of our subject, we beseech 
you to avoid all bickerings. What does it signify where a 
picture hangs, or whether a rose or a pink looks best on 
the drawing-room table ? There is something inexpressi- 
bly endearing in small concessions, in gracefully giving up 
a favorite opinion, or in yielding to the will of another ; 
and equally painful is the reverse. The mightiest rivers 
have their source in streams ; the bitterest domestic misery 
has often arisen from some trifling difference of opinion. 
If, by chance, you marry a man of a hasty temper, great 
discretion is required. Much willingness, too, and prayer 
for strength to rule, your own spirit are necessary. Three 
instances occur to us, in which, ladies have knowingly mar- 
ried men of exceeding violent tempers, and yet have lived 
happily. The secret of their happiness consisted in pos- 
sessing a perfect command over themselves, and in seeking, 
by every possible means, to prevent their husbands from 
committing themselves in their presence. 

Lastly, remember your standing as a lady, and never 
approve a mean action, nor speak an unrefined word ; let 
all your conduct be such as an honorable and right-minded 



143 DOMESTIC ETIQUETTE AND DUTIES. 

man may look for in his wife, and the mother of his chil- 
dren. The slightest duplicity destroys confidence. The 
least want of refinement in conversation, or in the selection 
of books, lowers a woman, ay, and for ever ! Follow these 
few simple precepts, and they shall prove to you of more 
worth than rubies ; neglect them, and you will know what 
sorrow is. They apply to every class of society, in every 
place where man has fixed his dwelling ; and to the woman 
who duly observes them may be given the beautiful com- 
mendation of Solomon, when recording the words which 
the mother of King Lemuel taught him : 

" The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her ; she 
will do him good, and not evil, all the days of her life. 
Strength and honor are her clothing ; and she shall rejoice 
in time to come. Her children rise up, and call her 
blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her." — Prov. 
xxxi. 

We shall now address ourselves exclusively to our breth- 
ren ; to them who have taken upon themselves the sacred 
and comprehensive names of husband and of master, who 
have formed homes to dwell in, and have placed therein, as 
their companions through life's pilgrimage, gentle and 
confiding ones, who have left for them all that was hereto- 
fore most dear, and whom they have sworn to love and to 
cherish. 

When a man marries, it is understood that all former 
acquaintanceship ends, unless he intimate a desire to renew 
, it, by sending you his own and his wife's card, if near, or 
by letter, if distant. If this be neglected, be sure no fur- 
ther intercourse it desired. 

In the first place, a bachelor is seldom very 'particular 
in the choice of his companions. So long as he is amused, 
he will associate freely enough with those whose morals 



DOMESTIC ETIQUETTE AND DUTIES. 149 

and habits would point them out as highly dangerous per- 
sons to introduce into the sanctity of domestic life. 

Secondly, a married man has the tastes of another to 
to consult ; and the friend of the husband may not be 
equally acceptable to the wife. 

Besides, newly-married people may wish to limit the cir- 
cle of their friends, from praiseworthy motives of economy. 
When a man first "sets up" in. the world, the burden of 
an extensive and indiscriminate acquaintance may be fell: 
in various ways. Many have had cause to regret the weak- 
ness of mind which allowed them to plunge into a vortex 
of gaiety and expense they could ill afford, from which 
they have found it difficult to extricate themselves, and the 
effects of which have proved a serious evil to them in 
after-life. 

Remember that you have now, as a married man, a very 
different standing in society from the one which you pre- 
viously held, and that the happiness of another is commit- 
ted to your charge. Render, therefore, your home happy 
by kindness and attention to your wife, and carefully 
watch over your words and actions. If small disputes 
arise, and your wife has not sufficient good sense to yield 
her opinion ; nay, if she even seems determined to have 
her own way, and that tenaciously, do not get angry ; 
rather be silent, and let the matter rest. An opportunity 
will soon occur of speaking affectionately, yet decidedly, 
on the subject, and much good will be effected. Master 
your own temper, and you will soon master your wife's ; 
snudy her happiness without yielding to any caprices, and 
you will have no reason to regret your self-control. 

Never let your wife go to church alone on Sunday. You 
can hardly do a worse thing as regards her good opinion of 
you, and the well-being of your household. It is a pitiable 
sight to see a young wife going toward the church-door 



150 DOMESTIC ETIQUETTE AiVD DUTIES. 

unattended, alone in the midst of a crowd, with her 
thoughts dwelling, it may be very sadly, on the time when 
you were proud to walk beside her. Eemember that the 
condition of a young bride is often a very solitary one ; 
and that for your sake she has left her parents' roof, and 
the .companionship of her brothers and sisters. If you are 
a professional man, your wife may have to live in the 
neighborhood of a large city, where she scarcely knows any 
one, and without those agreeable domestic occupations, or 
young associates, among whom she had grown up. Her 
garden and poultry-yard are hers no longer, and the day 
passes without the light of any smile but yours. You go 
off, most probably after breakfast, to your business or pro- 
fession, and do not return till a late dinner ; perhaps even 
not then, if you are much occupied, or have to keep up 
professional connections. It seems unmanly, certainly 
most unkind, to let your young wife go to church on Sun- 
day without you, for the common-place satisfaction of 
lounging at home. To act in this manner is certainly a 
breach of domestic etiquette. Sunday is the only day in 
which you can enable her to forget her father's house, and 
the pleasant associations of her girlhood days— in which 
you can pay her those attentions which prevent all painful 
comparisons as regards the past. "Sunday is a day of rest, 
wisely and mercifully appointed to loose the bonds by 
which men are held to the world ; let it be spent by you as 
becomes the head of a family. Let no temptation ever in- 
duce you to wish your wife to relinquish attending Divine 
service, merely that she may "idle at home with you." 
Keligion is her safeguard amid the trials or temptations of 
this world. And woe may be to you if you seek to with- 
draw her from its protection ! 

Much perplexity in the marriage state often arises from 
want of candor. Men conceal their affairs, and expect 
their wives to act with great economy, without assigning 



DOMESTIC ETIQUETTE AND DUTIES. 151 

any reason why such should be the case ; but the husband 
ougiit frankly to tell his wife the real amount of his in- 
come ; for, unless this is done, she cannot properly regu- 
late her expenses. They ought then to consult together 
as to the sum that can be afforded for housekeeping, which 
should be rather below than above the mark. "When this 
is arranged he will find it advantageous to give into her 
hands, either weekly, monthly, or quarterly, the sum that 
is appropriated for daily expenditure, and above all things 
to avoid interfering without absolute necessity. The home 
departmemt belongs exclusively to the wife ; the province 
of the husband is to rale the house — hers to reg-ulate its 
internal movements. True it is, that some inexperienced 
young creatures know but little of household concerns. If 
this occur, have patience, and do not become pettish or ill- 
humored. If too much money is laid out at first, give 
ad\ice, kindly and firmly, and the young wife will soon 
learn how to perform her new duties. 

No good ever yet resulted, or ever will result from unne- 
cessary interference. If a man unhappily marries an 
incorrigible simpleton, or spendthrift, he cannot help him- 
self. Such, however, is rarely the case. Let a man pre- 
serve his own position, and assist his wife to do the same ; 
all things will then move together, well and harmoni- 
ously. 

Much sorrow, and many heart-burnings, may be avoided 
by judicious conduct in the outset of life, husbands 
should give their wives all confidence. They have in- 
trusted to them their happiness, and should never suspect 
them of desiring to waste their money. "Whenever a dis- 
position is manifested to do right, express your approba- 
tion. Be pleased with trifles, and commend efforts to excel 
on every fitting occasion. If your wife is diffident, encouiv 
age her, and avoid seeing small mistakes. It is unreasona- 
ble to add to the embarrassments of her new condition, by 



152 DOMESTIC ETIQUETTE AND DUTIES. 

ridiculing her deficiencies. Forbear extolling the previous 
management of your mother or your sisters. Many a wife 
has been alienated from her husband's family, and many 
an affectionate heart has been deeply wounded by such 
injudicious conduct ; and, as a sensible woman will always 
pay especial attention to the relations of her husband, and 
entertain them with affectionate politeness, the husband 
on his part should always cordially receive and duly attend 
to her relations. The reverse of this, on either side, is 
often productive of unpleasant feelings. 

Lastly, we recommend every young married man, who 
wishes to render his home happy, to consider his wife as 
the light of his domestic circle, and to permit no clouds, 
however small, to obscure the region in which she presides. 
Most women are naturally amiable, gentle, and complying ; 
and if a wife becomes perverse, and indifferent to her 
home, it is generally her husband's fault. He may have 
neglected her happiness ; but nevertheless it is unwise in 
her to retort, and, instead of faithfully reflecting the 
brightness that still may shine upon her, to give back the 
du^ky and cheerless hue which saddens her existence. Be 
not selfish, but complying, in small things. If your wife 
dislikes cigars — and few young women like to have their 
clothes tainted by tobacco — leave off smoking ; for it is, at 
best, an ungentlemanly and dirty habit. If your wife asks 
you to read to her, do not put your feet upon a chair and 
go to sleep. If she is fond of music, accompany her as 
you were wont when you sought her for a bride. The 
husband may say that he is tired, and does not like music, 
or reading aloud. This may occasionally be true, and no 
amiable woman will ever desire her husband to do what 
would really weary him. We, however, recommend a 
young man to practice somewhat of self-denial, and to 
remember that no one acts with a due regard to his own 
happiness who lays aside, when married, those gratifying 



DOMESTIC ETIQUETTE AND DUTIES. 153 

attentions which he was ever ready to pay the lady of his 
love ; or those rational sources of home enjoyment which 
made her look forward with a bounding heart to become 
his companion through life. 

Etiquette is a comprehensive term ; and its observances 
are nowhere more to be desired than in the domestic 
circle. 



ON GENERAL SOCIETY. 



To cultivate the art of pleasing is not only worthy of our 
ambition, but it is the dictate of humanity to render our- 
selves as agreeable as possible to those around us. While, 
therefore, we condemn that false system of philosophy 
which recommends the practice of flattery and deception 
for the purpose of winning the regard of those with whom 
we come in contact, we would rather urge the sincere and 
o-pen conduct which is founded on moral principle, and 
which looks to the happiness of others, not through any 
sordid and selfish aim, but for the reward which virtuous 
actions bestov/. Indeed, we do not discover the necessity 
of duplicity and hypocrisy in our intercourse with society. 
The virtues and the graces are not antagonistic. The sac- 
rifice of personal convenience for the accommodation of 
others ; the repression of our egotism and self-esteem ; the 
occasional endurance of whatever is disagreeable or irk- 
some to us through consideration for the infirmities of 
others, are not only some of the characteristics of true 
politeness, but are in the very spirit of benevolence, and, 
we might add, religion. 

The English have a rule of etiquette, that if you are 
introduced to a person of higher position in society than 
yourself, you must never recognize him when you meet, 
until you see whether he intends to notice you. The 
meaning of this rule is, that you should be polite to no- 
body until you see whether they mean to be polite to you, 
which is simply refusing politeness in the name of polite- 



OX GENERAL SOCIETY. 155 

f 

ness itself. There is a story of an unfortunate clerk of the 
Treasury, who dined one day at the Beef-steak Club, where 
he sat next to a duke, who conversed freely with him at 
dinner. The next day, meeting the duke in the street, he 
saluted him. But his grace, drawing himself up, said : 
" May I know, sir, to whom I have the honor of speaking r" 
"Why, we dined together at the club yesterday — I am Mr. 
Timms, of the Treasury," was the reply. "Then,"' said 
the duke, turning on his heel, "Mr. Timms, of the Treas- 
ury, I wish you a good morniiig." Though this anecdote 
is related in the English books as an example of etiquette, 
it is undoubtedly true that Mr. Timms, of the Treasury, 
was the politest man of the two ; for even if he had made a 
mistake in being a little familiar in his politeness, had the 
duke been really a polite man he would have made the best 
of it, by returning the salutation, instead of the brutal 
mortification which he heaped upon the clerk of the Treas- 
ury. Everybody has read the anecdote of Washington, 
who politely returned the salutation of a negro, which 
caused his friend to ask if he "bowed to a negro." " To 
be sure I do ; do you think that I would allow a negro to 
outdo me in politeness ?" said Washington. This is the 
American rule. Everybody in this country may be polite 
to everybody — and if any one is too haughty and too ill- 
bred to return the salutation, with him alone rests the 
responsibility and the shame. 

A lady in company should never exhibit any anxiety to 
sing or play ; but if she intends to do so, she should not 
affect to refuse when asked, but obligingly accede at once. 
If you cannot sing, or do not choose to, say so with seri- 
ousness and gravity, and put an end to the expectation 
promptly. After singing once or twice, cease and give 
place to others. There is an old saying, that a singer can 
with the greatest difficulty be set agoing, and when agoing, 
cannot be stopped. 



156 ON GENERAL SOCIETY. 

Never commend a lady's musical skill to another lady 

who herself plays. 

Modern Chesterfields, who pretend to be superlatively 
well-bred, tell one never to be " in a hurry." " To be in a 
hurry," say they, "is ill-bred." The dictum is absurd. 
It is sometimes necessary to be hurried. In the streets of 
the city one must hasten with the multitude. To walk or 
lounge, as people who have nothing else to do, in Wall 
Street, or Broadway, would be out of place and absurd. 
Judgment requires us, not less than manners, to conform 
slightly with the behavior of those with whom we associate 
or are forced to remain. 

Never lose your temper at cards, and particularly avoid 
the exhibition of anxiety or vexation at want of success. 
If you are playing whist, not only keep your temper, but 
hold your tongue ; any intimation to your partner is decid- 
edly ungentlemanly. 

Do not take upon yourself to do the honors in another 
man's house, nor constitute yourself master of the ceremo- 
nies, as you will thereby offend the host and hostess. 

Do not press before a lady at a theater or a concert. 
Always yield to her, if practicable, your seat and place. 
Do not sit when she is standing, without offering her your 
place. Consult not only your own ease, but also the com- 
fort of those around you. 

Do not cross a room in an anxious manner, and force 
your way up to a lady merely to receive a bow, as by so 
doing you attract the eyes of the company toward her. If 
you are desirous of being noticed by any one in particular, 
put yourself in their way as if by accident, and do not let 
them see that you have sought them out ; unless, indeed, 
there be something very important to communicate. 



OX GENERAL SOCIETY. 157 

Gentlemen who attend ladies to the opera, to concerts, 
to lectures, etc. , should take off their hats on entering the 
room, and "while showing them their seats. Having taken 
your seats remain quietly in them, and avoid, unless abso- 
lute necessity requires it, incommoding others by crowding 
out and in before them. If obliged to do this, politely 
apologize for the trouble you cause them. To talk during 
the performance is an act of rudeness and injustice. You 
thus proclaim your own ill-breeding and invade the rights 
of others, who have paid for the privilege of hearing the 
performers, and not for listening to you. 

If you are in attendance upon a lady at any opera, con- 
cert, or lecture, you should retain your seat at her side ; 
but if you have no lady with you, and have taken a desir- 
able seat, you should, if need be, cheerfully relinquish it 
in favor of a lady, for one less eligible. 

To the opera, or theater, ladies should wear opera hoods, 
which are to be taken off on entering. In this country, 
custom permits the wearing of bonnets ; but as they are 
neither convenient nor comfortable, ladies should dispense 
with their use whenever they can. 

Gloves should be worn by ladies in church, and in places 
of public amusement. Do not take them off to shake 
hands. Great care should be taken that they are well made 
and fit neatly. 

If you would have your children grow up beloved and 
respected by their elders as well as their contemporaries, 
teach them good manners in their childhood. The young 
sovereign should first learn to obey, that he may be the 
better fitted to command in his turn. 

Show, but do not show off, your children to strangers. 
Eecollect, in the matter of children, how many are born 



153 ON" GENERAL SOCIETY. 

every hour, each one almost as remarkable as yours in the 
eyes of its papa and mamma. 

Notwithstanding that good general breeding is easy of 
attainment, and is, in fact, attained by most people, yet we 
may enlarge upon a saying of Emerson's, by declaring that 
the world has never yet seen "a perfect gentleman." 

It is not deemed polite and respectful to smoke in the 
presence of ladies, even though they are amiable enough 
to permit it. A gentleman, therefore, h not in the habit 
of smoking in the parlor, for if there is nobody present to 
object, it leaves a smell in the room which the wife has 
good reason to be mortified at, if discovered by her 
guests. 

It is very common to see persons eat, drink, and smoke 
to excess. Such habits are vulgar in the lowest degree. 
Some men pride themselves on their abilities in drinking 
and smoking — more especially in the latter. These are 
blunders that need no reasoning to expose them. The 
man who exhibits a tendency to excesses will, sooner or 
later, be shunned by all except a few of his own stamp, 
and not even by them be respected. Guard against excess 
in ail things, as neither gentlemanly nor human. 

Spitting is a filthy habit, and annoys one in almost every 
quarter, in-doors and out. Since vulgarity has had its 
way so extensively amongst us, every youth begins to 
smoke and spit before he has well cut his teeth. Smoking 
is unquestionably so great a pleasure to those accustomed 
to it, that it must not be condemned, yet the spitting asso- 
ciated with it detracts very much from the enjoyment. No 
refined person will spit where ladies are present, or in any 
public promenade ; the habit is digusting in the extreme, 
and one would almost wish that it could be checked in 
^public by means of law. 



OX GENERAL SOCIETY. 159 

Never scratch, your head, pick your teeth, clean your 
nails, or, worse than all, picli your nose in company ; all 
these things are disgusting. 

To indulge in ridicule, whether the subject be present or 
absent, is to descend below the level of gentlemanly pro- 
priety. Your skill may excite laughter, but will not insure 
respect. 

A reverential regard for religious observances, and relig- 
ious opinions, is a distinguishing trait of a refined mind. 
Whatever your opinions on the subject, you are not to 
intrude them on others, perhaps to the shaking of their 
faith and happiness. Religious topics should be avoided 
in conversation, except where all are prepared to concur in 
a respectful treatment of the subject. In mixed societies 
the subject should never be introduced. 

Frequent consultation of the watch or time-pieces is im- 
polite, either when at home or abroad. If at home, iu 
appears as if you were tired of your company and wished 
them to be gone ; if abroad, as if the hours dragged heav- 
ily, and you were calculating how soon you would be 
released. 

Never read in company. A gentleman or lady may, how- 
ever, look over a book of engravings with propriety. 

The simpler, and the more easy and unconstrained your 
manners, the more you will impress people of your good 
breeding. Affectation is one of the brazen marks cf vul- 
garity. 

It is very Unbecoming to exhibit petulance, or angry 
feeling, thought it is indulged in so largely in almost every 
circle. The true gentleman docs not suffer his countenance 
to be easily ruined ; and we only look paltry when we suf- 
fer temper to hurry us into ill-judged expressions of feel- 
ing. " He that is soon angry dealebh foolishly." 






160 OJST GENERAL SOCIETY. 

Commands should never be given in a commanding tone. 
A gentleman requests, he does not command. We are not 
to assume so much importance, whatever our station, as to 
give orders in the " imperative mood," nor are we -ever 
justified in thrusting the consciousness of servitude on any 
one. The blunder of commanding sternly is most fre- 
quently committed by those who have themselves but just 
escaped servitude, and we should not exhibit to others a 
weakness so unbecoming. 

It is a great thing to be able to walk like a gentleman — 
that is, to get rid of the awkward, lounging, swinging gait 
of a clown, and stop before you reach the affected and flip- 
pant step of a dandy. In short, nothing but being a gentle- 
man can ever give you the air and step of one. A man 
who has a shallow or an impudent brain will be quite sure 
to show it in his heels, in spite of all that rules of manners 
can do for him. 

A gentleman never sits in the house with his hat on in 
the presence of ladies for a single moment. Indeed, so 
strong is the force of habit, that a gentleman will quite 
unconsciously remove his hat on entering a parlor, or 
drawing-room, even if there is no one present but himself. 
People who sit in the house with their hats on are to be 
suspected of having spent the most of their time in bar- 
rooms, and similar places. A gentleman never sits with his 
hat on in the theater. Gentlemen do not generally sit even 
in an eating-room with their hats on, if there is any con- 
venient place to put them. 

The books on etiquette will tell you, that on waiting on 
a lady into a carriage, or the box of a theater, you are, to 
take off your hat ; but such is not the custom among polite 
people in this country. The inconvenience of such a rule 
is a good reason against its observance in a country where 
the practice of politeness has in it nothing of the servility 



OX GENERAL SOCIETY. . 161 

which is often attached to it in countries where the code of 
etiquette is dictated by the courts of monarchy. In hand- 
ing a lady into a carriage, a gentleman may need to employ 
both his hands, and he has no third hand to hold on to his 
hat. 

Cleanliness of person is a distinguishing trait of every 
■well-bred person ; and this not on state occasions only, but 
at all times, even at home. It is a folly to sit by the fire 
in a slovenly state, consoling oneself with the remark, 
" Nobody will call call to-day." Should somebody call we 
are in no plight to receive them, and otherwise it is an 
injury to the character to allow slovenly habits to control 
us even when we are unseen. 

Chesterfield inveighs against holding a man by the but- 
ton, "for if people are not willing to hear you, you had 
much better hold your tongae than them. , ' Button-holing 
is not a common vice, but pointing, nudging, hitting a 
man in the side with your fist, or giving him a kick of 
recognition under the table, are too common not to be 
noticed here as terrible breaches of deportment. Signifi- 
cant looks and gestures are equally objectionable, and must 
be avoided by all who desire to soar above positive vulgar- 
ity. I have often been annoyed by hearing a friend dis- 
course on some person's failings or excellences, the person 
referred to being only known to the speaker. It is a bad 
rule to talk of persons at all, but more especially if the 
person spoken of is not known to all the listeners. 

Do not offer a person the chair from which you have just 
risen, unless there be no other in the room. 

Never take the chair usually occupied by the lady or 
gentleman of the house, even though they be absent, nor 
use the snuff-box of another, unless he offer it. 

Do not lean your head against the wall. You will either 
soil the paper, or get your hair well powdered with lime. 
" 11 



162 'ON GENERAL SOCIETY. 

Do not touch any of the ornaments in the houses where 
you visit ; they are meant only for the use of the lady of 
the house, and may be admired, but not touched. 

Lord Chesterfield, in his "Advice to his Son," justly 
characterizes an absent man as unfit for business or conver- 
sation. Absence of mind is usually affected, and springs 
in most cases from a desire to be thought abstracted in 
profound contemplations. The world, however, gives a 
man no credit for vast ideas who exhibits absence when he 
should be attentive, even to trifles. The world is right in 
this, and I would implore every studious youth to forget 
that he is studious when he enters company. I have seen 
many a man, who would have made a bright character 
otherwise, affect a foolish reserve, remove himself as far 
from others as possible, and in a mixed assembly, where 
social prattle or sincere conversation enlivened the hearts 
of the company, sit by himself abstracted in a book. It is 
foolish, and, what is worse for the absentee, it looks so. A 
hint on this subject is sufficient, and we do hint, that ab- 
stractedness of manner should never be exhibited ; the 
greatest geniuses have ever been attentive to trifles when 
it so behooved them. 

Affectation of superiority galls the feelings of those to 
whom it is offered. In company with an inferior, never 
let him feel his inferiority. An employer, who invites his 
confidential clerk to his house, should treat him in every 
way the same as his most distinguished guest. No refer- 
ence to business should be made, and anything in the 
shape of command avoided. It is very easy by a look, a 
word, the mode of reception, or otherwise, to advertise to 
the other guests, "TMs is my clerk," or, "The person I 
now treat as a guest was yesterday laboring in my service ;" 
but such a thing would lower the host more than it would 
annoy the guest. Before Burns had arrived at his high 
popularity, he was once invited by some puffed-up lairds 



OX GENERAL SOCIETY. 163 

to dine, in order that they might have the gratification of 
hearing the poet sing one of his own songs. Burns was 
shown into the servants' hall, and left to dine with the 
menials. After dinner he was invited to the drawing-room, 
and a glass of wine being handed to him, requested to sing 
one of his own songs. He immediately gave his entertain- 
ers that thrilling assertion of independence, "A man's a 
man for a' that," and left the moment he had finished, his 
heart embittered at patronage offered in a manner so in- 
, suiting to his poverty. 

People who have risen in the world are too apt to sup- 
pose they render themselves of consequence in proportion 
to the pride they display, and their want of attention toward 
those with whom they come in contact. This is a terrible 
mistake, as every ill-bred act recoils with triple violence 
against its perpetrators, by leading the offended parties to 
analyze them, and to question their right of assuming a 
superiority to which they are but rarely entitled. 

Punctuality is one of the characteristics of politeness. 
He who does not keep his appointments promptly is unfit 
for the society of gentlemen, and will soon find himself 
shut out from it. 

In private, watch your thoughts ; in your family, watch 
your temper ; in society, watch your tongue. 

Avoid restlessness in company, lest you make the whole 
party as fidgety as yourself. "Do not beat the 'Devil's 
tattoo ' by drumming with your fingers on the table ; it 
cannot fail to annoy every one within hearing, and is the 
index of a vacant mind. Neither read the newspaper in an 
audible whisper, as it disturbs the attention of those near 
you. Both these bad habits are particularly offensive 
where most common, that is, in a counting or news-room. 
Remember, that a carelessness as to what may incommode 
others is the sure sign of a coarse and ordinary mind ; 



/ 
164 ON GENERAL SOCIETY. 

indeed, the essential part of good breeding is more in the 
avoidance of whatever may be disagreeable to others, than 
even an accurate observance of the customs of good so- 
ciety." 

Good sense must, in many casas, determine good breed- 
ing ; because the same thing that would be civil at one 
time and to one person, may be quite otherwise at another 
time and to another person. 

Chesterfield says, "As learning, honor, and virtue are 
absolutely necessary to gain you the esteem and admiration 
of mankind, politeness and good breeding are equally 
necessary to make you welcome and agreeable in conversa- 
tion and common life. Great talents, such as honor, 
virtue, learning, and parts, are above the generality of the 
world, who neither possess them themselves nor judge of 
them rightly in others ; but all people are judges of the 
lesser talents, such as civility, affability, and an obliging, 
agreeable address and manner ; because they feel the good 
effects of them, as making society easy and pleasing." 

If you are in a public room, as a library or reading-room, 
avoid loud conversation or laughing, which may disturb 
others. At the opera, or a concert, be profoundly silent 
during the performances ; if you do not wish to hear the 
music, you have no right to interfere with the enjoyment 
of others. 

In accompanying ladies to any public place, as to a con- 
cert or lecture, you should precede them in entering the 
room, and procure seats for them. 

Never allow a lady to get a chair for herself, ring a bell, 
pick up a handkerchief or glove she may have dropped, or, 
in short, perform any service for herself which you can 
perform for her, when you are in the room. By extending 
such courtesies to your mother, sisters, cr other members 



ON GENERAL SOCIETY. 165 

of your family, they become habitual, and are thus more 
gracefully performed when abroad. 

Etiquette in church is entirely out of place ; but we may 
here observe that a -conversation wantonly profligate al- 
ways offends against good manners, nor can an irreligious 
man ever achieve that bearing which constitutes the true 
gentleman. He may be very polished and observant of 
form, and even if so, he will, out of respect for others, 
refrain from intruding his opinions and abstain from at- 
tacking those of others. 

Chesterfield says, "Civility is particularly due to all 
women ; and, remember, that no provocation whatsoever 
can justify any man in not being civil to every woman ; 
and the greatest man would justly be reckoned a brute if 
he were not civil to the meanest woman. It is due to their 
sex, and is the only protection they have against the supe- 
rior strength of ours ; nay, even a little is allowable with 
women ; and a man may, without weakness, tell a woman 
she is either handsomer or wiser than she is. " 

Keep your engagements. Nothing is ruder than to 
make an engagement, be it of business or pleasure, and 
break it. If your memory is not sufficiently retentive to 
keep all the engagements you make stored within it, carry 
a little memorandum book and enter them there. Espe- 
cially keep any appointment made with a lady, for, depend 
upon it, the fair sex forgive any other fault in good breed- 
ing, sooner than a broken engagement. 

The right of privacy is sacred, and should always be 
respected. It is exceedingly improper to enter a private 
room anyvvhere without knocking. No relation, however 
intimate, will justify an abrupt intrusion upon a private 
apartment. So the trunks, boxes, packets, papers, and 
letters of every individual, locked or unlocked, sealed or 
unsealed, are sacred. It is ill-manners even to open a 



166 ON GENERAL SOCIETY, 

book-case, or to read a written paper lying open, without 
permission expressed or implied. Books in an open case 
or on a center-table, cards in a card-case, and newspapers, 
are presumed to be open for examination. Be careful 
where you go, what you read, and what you handle, par- 
ticularly in private apartments. 

Avoid intermeddling with the affairs of others. This is 
a most common fault. A number of people seldom meet 
but they begin discussing the affairs of some one who is 
absent. This is not only uncharitable but positively un- 
just. It is equivalent to trying a cause in the absence of the 
person implicated. Even in the criminal code a prisoner is 
presumed to be innocent until he is found guilty. Society, 
however, is less just, and passes judgment without hearing 
the defence. Depend upon it, as a certain rule, that the 
people who unite with you in discussing the affairs of others 
will proceed to scandalize you the moment that you depart. 

Be well read also, for the sake of the general company 
and the ladies, in the literature of the day. You will 
thereby enlarge the regions of pleasurable talk. Besides, 
it is often necessary. Haslitt, who had entertained an un- 
founded prejudice against Dickens's works when they were 
first written, confesses that he was at last obliged to read 
them, because he could not enter a mixed company with- 
out hearing them admired and quoted. 

Always conform your conduct, as near as possible, to the 
company with whom you are associated. If you should be 
thrown among people who are vulgar, it is better to humor 
them than to set yourself up, then and there, for a model 
of politeness. It is related of a certain king that on a par- 
ticular occasion he turned his tea into his saucer, contrary 
to the etiquette of society, because two country ladies, 
whose hospitalities he was enjoying, did so. That king 
was a gentleman ; and this anecdote serves to illustrate an 



ON GENERAL SOCIETY. 167 

important principle : namely, that true politeness and 
genuine good manners often not only permit, but abso- 
lutely demand, a violation of some of the arbitrary rules of 
etiquette. Bear this fact in mind. 

Although these remarks will not be sufficient in them- 
selves to make you a gentleman^ yet they will enable you to 
avoid any glaring impropriety, and do much to render you 
easy and confident in society. 

*, 

Gentility is neither in birth, manner, nor fashion — but 

in the Mind. A high sense of honor — a determination 
never to take a mean advantage of another — an adherence 
to truth, delicacy, and politeness toward those with whom 
you may have dealings — are the essential and distinguish- 
ing characteristics of a Gentleman. 



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